Marty and The News

Back to the regularly scheduled news.

Dirt is becoming the new Match.com

Scientist now views his neighbor in a new light because of dirt. Scientist, Steve Simmons, used to hate his neighbor Marc. He thought they were just too different to ever get along. That was until a study of dirt collected on Mars revealed that dirt on Mars is actually very similar to dirt found on earth. It was then that Simmons realized that if dirt from different worlds wasn't so different, maybe his neighbor wasn't so different from him. "Me and Marc have been hanging out a lot lately," says Simmons. "We're like the same person. We both like football. We both have kids. I used to treat Marc like dirt, but now because of dirt, he's my best friend."

Guy thinks people care about his mustache.

I used to care about this story, but then I saw that it happened in Saudi Arabia. I'm just going to mail this one in. Some guy fired a gun into the air at a wedding to celebrate. The gunfire hit a power cable. The cable fell and electrocuted a bunch of people and killed them. Just another day in Saudi Arabia.

Another story I used to care about until I saw if happend in another country. Radio host in Bolivia was on air. Masked men came into his studio. They set him on fire. Just another day in Bolivia.

Officer Badass 

Texas police officer still incessantly showing a picture of him that makes him look 'badass'. The picture of officer Charles Smith is not even two days old, but he's already showed it to all his friends, multiple times. "The first time I saw it I thought it was pretty badass, but now I'm sick of it," says a friend of Smith who doesn't want to be identified. "I've seen it like 80 times now. I'm trying to avoid seeing it, but I can't. He's always finding reasons to come over to my house and show it to me." Smith has the picture with him all the time. It's all over his Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Smith didn't have an Instagram before the 'badass' picture of him surfaced and he hadn't sent a tweet in over 6 months. Smith can now be found going to malls with his photo and showing it around. When we asked Smith for a comment, he just showed us the picture. We now understand. Looking good there, Officer Charles 'badass' Smith.

Man drives car into a church. Then beats pastor to death with an electric guitar. That's what really happened in the previous story.

Average Magic player

You're never going to believe this, but this man is accused of beating a man to death. The reason? He wanted his Magic the Gathering card collection. Also, if you ever wanted to know how to play Magic, just read the story. It seems to be written by a Magic enthusiast, who was just using the death as a reason to talk about the game.

It may look like I mailed in this edition of the news, but that's it. That the news.

Marty and The Hurricane: Final Edition

Well, here we are. The final chapter in my Hurricane Sandy coverage. What a journey it's been. We laughed, we cried, I got mad at an Asian guy, that tree I said was going to tip over did come down, but it was cut down. I've watched the video of me covering the 'flooded' streets outside my apartment more than everyone else combined. The people in my building throw terrible parties. I've typed hurricane so many times that I keep leaving he 'e' off. But now it's time to get serious.

If you want to hear about all the damage the hurricane caused, I'm the wrong guy to talk to. Not much happened in my immediate vicinity. I saw nothing that did any real damage. That tree that almost fell and a sign blowing down was the worst I saw. If you want to see some of the havoc it caused, go check out these pictures.

I was going to go out today and get some video. It didn't seem right. That and the only video to get was a bunch of tree branches on the ground and a fence that had been blown on top of a car. Much of the flooding has receded. You can't get to the areas that are still flooded. A video seemed pointless.

You can't see the guy in the carousel sweeping because I suck at taking pictures

I did take a walk around. I started out in Downtown Brooklyn, by my apartment. It was weird walking around. Normally there is so many people and cars. That wasn't the case. Despite the fact there is power, most of the businesses are closed. A few of the local eateries and grocery stores are open. A few people were out and walking about, surveying the damage downed trees had made or going to the stores that were open.

I decided to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. See how things were in Manhattan. The first thing I noticed, while walking across the bridge, is that the carousel that was surrounded by water last night, isn't anymore. You can still see the line of debris that the tide left.

As I crossed over into Manhattan, I realized something about Downtown Brooklyn that I hadn't noticed while I was walking around there. The traffic signals were working. The power was out, and still is out, in much of Lower Manhattan. The volume of traffic wasn't anything near what it normally is, but there were still quite a few cars out. Most of them taxis. Many of the intersections were just free-for-alls, for cars and pedestrians. The busiest intersections did have traffic officers directing traffic. But even those intersections were still up for grabs for whoever wanted to get across them. The only time there seemed to be any order in the way traffic moved, was when a police car, ambulance or firetruck was trying to get through.

There were more people out and walking around in Manhattan then there were in Brooklyn. Walking around in Brooklyn was weird, but Manhattan was eerie. These people were just out and walking around because there was nothing else to do. They weren't walking around to see the damage that had been done. They were out because their power was out. Walking around was all they could do.

Everything was dark. Even the occasional local coffee shop that was open was dark. Their stores were dark, save a few candles, but they were still serving hot coffee. I assume they were running their machines with generators. I saw one street vendor doing his thing and making gyros. He had a line around the block.

The power was out everywhere I went. I walked around most of Lower Manhattan. I went as far north as 23rd Street. Which is actually about where you see the power coming back. Had I kept walking, I would have seen that. (For reference of how far I walked, the Brooklyn Bridge puts you at roughly -15th Street.)

Bus service is slowly starting back up. The subway system is probably going to be down for awhile. Which is a huge blow to the city, and myself. Many of the stations flooded. Several of the lines that travel underwater also flooded. For now, I'm stuck walking around. For some reason, I don't like taking the bus. Even though there is nothing wrong with it.

Walking around made me realize how lucky I was. I didn't even see any of the damage done by the flooding, or the fires up in Queens. Just seeing how much of the city was without power, and may remain so for days, was enough. I never even lost power for a few seconds.

When I crossed back over the bridge, I forgot how lucky I was. Seeing the working street lights and the stores with lights on made me forget. Power makes you forget things.

Sand streak number 1

When I walked back into my apartment, I was reminded once again of how lucky I was. About a foot a part, near my front door, were two streaks of sand. I have no idea how they got there. There are no vents nearby that they could have come from. The streaks were to orderly to have come from my shoes. I don't walk in that area anyways. It's like Sandy was trying to tell me something.

"Hey dumbass, you already forgot how lucky you are. Well, here is my calling card. Maybe next time you won't forget, or be so lucky." That's probably what she was trying to tell me.

Streak 2 was a lot more orderly before I ran my fingers through it to see what it was

Marty and The Hurricane: Eighth Edition

I keep hearing reports of people's power being out. I checked on the website that shows power outages for Con Edison. That's who my power is with. There are pockets where thousands are without power. I know they deliberately shut off the power in one area, so that things wouldn't get ruined.

Around me though, there is nothing. There were like 10 outages reported within 3 miles of me. All of them were just single reports of power being out. No buildings. Probably just a tree taking out a line or something. A few of them had reports of no lights. No lights? Does this mean everything else in the house that takes power is working? Have these people tried the light switches? Or putting in a new bulb?

The hurricane party was quite lame. I left as soon as they started making people wear name tags made out of napkins. It was a terrible party anyways. Hooking up prospects were very limited as well. Hot chicks are hard to come by. Not just in my building, the city in general. I always knew Utah as one of the best places in the country when it came to having hot chicks, but the drop off from Utah to New York is just ridiculous.

I got hit in the eye by a leaf. That's the closest I've come to being injured. I saw a sign blow away. That was pretty cool. That debris in the sidewalk I took a picture of has moved down the sidewalk a little bit. That tree that was about to tip over is still standing, sideways. The owner of the Mustang has pulled their car forward a bit. The tree will no longer fall on their car. The flooding I took video of has subsided.  It stopped raining two hours ago. It never rained more than just a drizzle.

I just went outside, and the rain has picked up. It's raining harder than it has all day. It's still a light rain. Wind is done blowing for the moment. I'm going to get some video of the scene tomorrow.

Marty and The Hurricane: Seventh Edition

The hurricane party got off to a very slow start. I walked around outside and got some exclusive video and pictures of the Downtown Brooklyn area.

In the first picture we have some debris that has fallen from a tree and is lying on the sidewalk.

Here we have a tree bending in the wind. The good news for the owner of this Mustang is that it is falling very slowly. Once it does fall though, the wind will probably just blow it around everywhere. It's probably going to hit some stuff.

Here is some exclusive video of the flooded streets in Downtown Brooklyn.

I'm headed back down to the party. I'll get some footage of that. The cable does appear to be out. A laptop is connected to the TV. 

Marty and The Hurricane: Sixth Edition

I thought I heard some thunder. I looked out the window. It was just this piece of sheet metal flapping around on the roof of another building. Someone should probably take care of that. If it does fly away, the odds of it hitting my windows is extremely low. I'm not going to tell anyone about it.

Still just a very light drizzle. The wind isn't as consistent it was earlier. Occasionally, it completely stops. I thought maybe I was in the eye of the hurricane. That would be stupid. The occasional gusts of wind are the strongest they have been all day. During the gusts is when that piece of metal starts flapping.

That stupid Asian guy who finally cleared off all the stuff from his balcony earlier today, was just on his balcony shining a flashlight around. I saw the light shining on the building, so I went to my window to check it out. He shined his light at me. I think I'm going to go kick that guy's ass after all of this is over. He's pissing me off. I might go do it sooner if I need a flashlight later.

The hurricane party should just be getting started. I'm going to go check it out. If there is any hot chicks, I'm going to see what I can do about making the power go out. Unless something drastic happens soon, we're all going to look like assholes for having a hurricane party.

Marty and The Hurricane: Fifth Edition

Hurricane party at 8pm.

Looks like some people have put together a little hurricane party in the lounge. It's set to start in a little under 2 hours. Last time I was down there, it was billed as a Halloween/hurricane party. I'm not quite certain what happened to the Halloween part. I am glad to see it go though. I don't have a costume.

The hurricane party is a little premature. There is no hurricane like conditions in our area yet. It's just kinda windy, with a light drizzle. I just came from standing in the street for a few minutes. The amount of rain falling is pretty much nothing. The wind does get gusty at times and the traffic signals swing back and forth a little. The party throwers better hope things pick up in the next 2 hours. Otherwise, it's just going to look like we are celebrating all the damage the hurricane has done elsewhere.

If the hurricane is hitting us hard when the party is happening, it will be a big screw you to the hurricane. We'll be telling the hurricane, 'you can't stop us from partying'.

It's a fine line between looking like assholes or showing the hurricane who's boss.

I'm questioning whether or not to go to the party. What if the power goes out during the party? I don't want to have to walk all those flights of stairs to get back to my apartment. Also, I don't know how to get back to my apartment using the stairs. There is two flights of stairs I can take on my floor. Both of them take you to outside of the building. I'm sure those doors are locked from the outside. I don't know what stairs to take to get to my apartment without going outside first. It must be possible. I don't want to take the time to find out though.

On the other hand, all I hear about is how people just start hooking up whenever the power goes out.  If I'm at the party while the power goes out, what a great time to hook up with people. I just need to hang close to the hottest chick at the party. I'm pretty sure you have to hook up with whoever you are closet to when the power goes out.

I think I'll go check out the party and see what the chick situation is like.

Marty and The Hurricane: Fourth Edition

I'd like to be able to say that something has happened. Nothing has. As you can see from the picture, it's not raining. There is just a few drops on the window. They've been there for hours.

Some guy finally moved all his stuff off his balcony. Something that those with balconies, were told to do two days ago. The asshole then had the nerve to wave to me as he moved his stuff. Don't wave at me. Just move your shit.

The wind has picked up considerably, but it wasn't much to start with. I'm still not blown away by the wind speeds.

It's been recommended that I fill my bathtub up. I went ahead and dumped all my Goldfish crackers into the tub. I'm going to need a lot more to fill it up.

I've now realized that they probably meant with water.

I'm going to go downstairs and see how crowded the gym is.

Marty and The News

News, it's in short supply with the hurricane, but I've dug some up.

Natsu upset that he hasn't had sex yet. The man who purchased a Brazilian woman's virginity for $780,000 is upset that it hasn't happened yet. During the bidding process, the 20-year-old Brazilian claimed she could medically prove she is a virgin. However, experts say that they can't definitively prove whether she is a virgin or not. This hubbub over whether she is really a virgin or not, is causing the transaction to not be finished. "I don't really care either way," says Natsu, the winning bidder. "Just let me do my thing."

Winning done right

Preacher and all around crazy man, John McTernan, blames hurricane on Obama, Romney and of course, the gays. Usually when people make crazy statements, they leave a group of people out of it, in hopes that some agree with them. McTernan has found away to single out nearly everybody. Except those weird third party people, but most of them are gay.

Classic

Kindergarten teacher suspended for fake shooting two of her students in Facebook comments. Tameka Gatewood made the comments on Facebook when she became frustrated with two of her students arguing. In the comments, she makes reference to shooting the two students. "Bang! Bang! Shoot 'em up dammit!" She then says, "Just Kidding!!!" The fact that she actually spelled it out instead of just putting 'jk', lets you know that she was really just kidding. I only report on this story so I can put the picture up of one of the parents reacting to the comments.

I clicked on this article because it said Shakespeare had an STD. After reading it, this asshole is just talking about what is in this book that he wrote.

Man, Steven Ford, and his dog, Lola, found in their apartment watching TV with Michaela Beth Ford. Police found the couple and their dog in the apartment after neighbors had complained of strange smell. Police say Michaela has been dead for over 10 days. Steven told the police who entered the apartment, that she isn't dead. Steven was drunk at the time and has now rescinded his comments.

This story makes no sense. I'll break it down. There was this rave. Many of the kids there were intoxicated. Most, if not all, were underage. Police arrived at the scene to deal with the drunk kids. That's when this guy tried to land a helicopter. He couldn't though. There were all these people, drunk kids and police officers, walking around. The landing was aborted. A short while later, the man tries landing the helicopter again. People are still in the area, but he gets the helicopter landed. Police arrest the helicopter pilot and seize the helicopter. That's it. That's the story. No mention as to why this guy was trying to land his helicopter there.

A photo showing an angry hockey fan holding a sign asking if Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner  and Donald Fehr, NHL Player's Union leader, will talk to him, has been circulating around the Internet. The lone NHL fan isn't the only one in the picture. There is a few innocent bystanders in the photo. Those people are upset that it now looks like they care about the NHL lockout. "I didn't even know there was a lockout or that it was hockey season," said one bystander. "I barley know what hockey is. I don't want my friends, my family or America thinking I care about this." Another man in photo has also reacted via Facebook. "Straight up bullshit. I was just leaning against this building drinking a coffee. Now all these people tagging me in this photo. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOCKEY! STOP TAGGING ME!"

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The Hurricane: Third Edition

I'm about to go to bed. I wish there were actual news to report. The wind has picked up a bit. Nothing significant. It would just be moderately annoying if you were outside. There have been a few gusts that would be straight up annoying. No rainfall whatsoever.

Hopefully this thing picks up soon. It sucks having to report on nothing. Unless things pick up, there will be no updates until morning. Assuming the power stays on. Luckily, at this rate, the power will be on forever.

Marty and The Hurricane: Second Edition

No changes. Wind gets a little gusty at times, but it's still just a light breeze. I practiced taking the stairs to see how they worked. They work very similarly to other sets of stairs. The sky is getting darker. It usually gets darker around this time of the day. I don't think the darkness can be attributed to the hurricane. Still no rain, despite them saying it would start Sunday afternoon and we are now in the evening hours.

Marty and The Hurricane: First Edition

As long as I have power, I'll continue with periodic updates.

I'm hijacking the news for my Hurricane Sandy coverage. So far, nothing is happening. The sky is all cloudy. According to the tiny trees on the roof of my building, there is a very slight breeze. No rain.

The buses and subways stop today at 7pm. Which is fine by me. I don't go out much, even when the weather is perfect.

I'm not concerned about the wind. I'm in a little cocoon of buildings. The buildings will take all the hits from flying debris. I'm only worried about stuff flying of the roof of the building across from me. Unless they forgot to take the chairs on the roof inside, I think I'm good. The trees up there are too small to do any damage.

I have some food. My mom seems to think I need to stock up on toilet paper. She is either mistaken about how much I poop, or how long hurricanes last. If I somehow run out of toilet paper during the hurricane, or its aftermath, toilet paper is going to be the least of my problems. I buy the mega rolls, which last me more than a month, and I have at least nine of them. My mom says that isn't enough.

I've charged my iPad, Nexus 7, phone and one of those USB charger things. I'm only worried about the power going out. The phone will still probably be useful if the power goes out, but my tablets will just become flashlights.

If anyone wants to text me, you're going to want to text my 435 number and not the 415 number. If you deleted my 435 number, that's your fault, I told you not to. I need an Internet connection to get texts on the 415 number. If the power goes out, I won't have WiFi and I'm turning the data connection off on my phone to conserve battery. Assuming cell service, doesn't go out, I can still be reached at the 435 number, although it may be slow. If you do try to reach me and I don't reply, just go ahead and assume I died and mourn appropriately.

I'd get into logistics on why I have two numbers and why, under normal circumstances, you should use the 415 number, but no one ever understands.

I'm mostly concerned about the power going out because I'm on the top floor. They call it the penthouse. From what I can tell, it just means I have to wait on the elevator longer than everyone else. Depending on how you count floors, it's could be floor 12-15. If the elevators don't work, I'm not walking down, or up, that many stairs.

Marty and The News

News goes here.

Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News, here it is.

Rebel leaders in Syria show that they aren't that serious about fighting. They now want to take a four-day holiday. They say the Syrian government has agreed to the ceasefire, but it appears as if the government has other ideas. "Of course we agreed to the ceasefire," said a Syrian government guy. "Doesn't mean we are going to do it. This is a war. You don't get no holidays during war." Syrian government guy went on to say that rebel leaders could 'suck his dick.' It's not clear as to what he meant by that.

Navy to start putting lasers on ships in the coming years. In an attempt to boost recruitment numbers and overall excitement about the Navy, a top Naval officer has released information that shows lasers will be used on ships by the year 2016. Other Navy officers have confirmed the use of lasers on ships. Also adding that they are just going to tape some laser pointers to the front of a couple of ships.

The Mac's are expert Facebook users, despite not having accounts.

Parents who claim they don't want or need Facebook accounts, get on their daughter's account a lot. Ashley Mac says their Facebook use started out as a punishment. "When I'd get in trouble, they'd take my phone away," says Ashley. "They started taking pictures and posting them to my Facebook and changing my status." The punishment worked, too well. Ashley stopped getting in trouble, but her parents had become addicted to Facebook. "They have started coming up with stupid reasons to take my phone. One day I woke up an hour earlier than normal and my mom was like, 'what are you doing up early? You're not supposed to be awake yet. Give me your phone. I'll give it back to you in an hour, when you are supposed to wake up.' She then posted a picture of herself sitting on the couch with the caption, 'waiting to take Ashley to her soccer game.' One time I woke up in the middle of the night and my dad was sitting on the floor with my phone just reading through my friend's status updates. I now have a few friends that I'm pretty sure are guys my dad works with. My dad is always corresponding with them through my account.  They need to just get their own accounts."

James Cameron, is doing some stuff.

Former baseball player unsuccessfully tries to find Field of Dreams. Carlton Fisk was found sitting in is pickup truck in a cornfield crying. The former Boston Red Sox catcher says he was searching for the real field of dreams. This is the fourth time in a year that Fisk has been found in a cornfield. Baseball pundits point out the he clearly didn't watch the movie very closely. You have to be dead to be on the team. They also agree that Fisk is nowhere good enough to make the team.

Sadly there is no entry for 'Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' However, we do have a former reality star getting her head run over by a truck.

Most had forgotten about her lack of breasts

Christina Applegate misses her breasts.

Black woman casts black mark on KKK by claiming they set her on fire. All evidence points to the woman setting herself on fire. Police also believe she wrote the racial slur on her car window. "It's sad that this happend," said police. "The KKK was doing a pretty good job of making themselves look racist. But this attack against them has actually made our community feel sympathetic for them, black and white alike."

Legendary women's basketball coach wants the rims lowered. University of Connecticut women's basketball coach, Geno Auriemma, may be the greatest women's coach of all time, but that isn't stopping him from saying some of the rules in the women's game need to be changed. The seven time national champion and six time Naismith Coach of the Year winner, is calling for the rims to be lowered. Friends of Auriemma say that isn't the only rule change he wants implemented. They say Auriemma also wants stoves installed at the free-throw line, yarn and knitting supplies at half-court, and he doesn't want any more ball boys. He believes the players should have to mop the court themselves during timeouts.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

For some reason I'm still here, and so is the news.

Dead Fidel 'reading' the paper

Fidel Castro gets 'Weekend at Bernie's' treatment in an attempt to prove he is still alive. It's a well know fact that Castro has been dead for at least three years, possibly longer. Family of Castro continues to deny his death. They have been carrying around his dead body for three years, as if he never died. They recently released some photos of 'Dead Fidel' in various poses to try and show people that he is still alive. It's unclear as to whether or not the family knows Castro is dead. Some experts say they could be going through an extended phase of denial and actually think the 'Dead Fidel' they carry around is alive.

NEWS ALERT!!! People who complain about the stuff they do, probably aren't doing it to the extent they say they do.

Police surprised to find that suspect had history of violence. Wisconsin police have been investigating a man who killed three, and wounded four, before then killing himself at a day spa. "I assumed we were looking at an upstanding individual," says Police Chief Bill Yardley, "but it appears that isn't the case." Radcliffe Haughton was arrested a week before the spa shootings for slashing his wife's tires and had threatened to throw acid in his wife's face on several occasions.

Here is another helpful tip on how to get your socks white again.

Underground fantasy league at Californian high school celebrates five year anniversary. "When I started the league in 2007, I never expected the league to take off like it has," says league creator Mike Marshall. "The Fantasy Slut League is still alive kicking and I couldn't be more proud." The rules of the league are quite simple. Girls are 'drafted' onto a team, and whenever anyone does anything sexual with one of the girls, whatever team she is on gets points equivalent to whatever the act was.

This photo now haunts Armstrong

Lance Armstrong now regrets posing for ironic 'sad face' picture. Armstrong posed for the picture minutes after one of his seven Tour de France victories. A reporter at the finish line asked Armstrong how he felt about the victory. Armstrong looked into the camera and made an ironic and comically sad 'sad face.' Reporters, fans, cyclists and even Armstrong himself had a good chuckle over the face. Those who didn't even see the face laughed as well, just because everyone else was. Now that Armstrong has lost several sponsorships and been stripped of every one of his seven Tour de France wins, the picture is now being used in an unironic way.

It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' Sadly, today's participant was shot in the shoulder and not the face. That's close enough though. A 9-year-old girl was shot by a family member who thought she was a skunk.

Sandra Fluke, of Rush Limbaugh calling her a a 'slut' and a 'prostitute' fame, speaks in front of 10 people. The event was held at a Sak 'N Save grocery store in Reno, Nevada. Fluke now claims that no event was planned. The ten people asked her to talk. Fluke was just their do her grocery shopping, but felt she had the responsibility to talk to these people if that's what they wanted. However, if you look at Fluke's Facebook page, it's clear the event at the Sak 'N Save was planned weeks in advance. She posted this hours before the event, "Hey guys, about to speak at the Sak 'N Save in Reno. It's going to be crowded, so get there early."

Donald Trump is almost as desperate for Twitter followers, as 'Fox and Friends' is for taking a phone call from Donald Trump. Trump called 'Fox and Friends,' who gladly put him on the air, to announce that he has something really big about Obama to announce. Trump will be making the announcement on his Twitter account. He wouldn't say when, but did say he would make the announcement by Wednesday. The on air phone call ended with 'Fox and Friends' telling Trump to call back tomorrow and anytime after that.

This is both the funniest and saddest lede paragraph of all time.

An unidentified man who had been riding in an electric wheelchair caught on fire Saturday afternoon and died.

 Hey guys, Adele wasn't fat, she was just pregnant.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News time begins now.

Britney Spears accused of meth abuse by former manager. Charles Smith is indignant about the accusation. "This guy just needs to leave Britney alone," says Smith. "She's been through enough in her life. Like that time she had to shave her head, because her hair just started falling out. Then she had to get all that dental work done, because her teeth just gave up one her. No on likes going to the dentist. People need to get off her back. These is nothing that can substantiate these rumors of meth use."

Middle school principal orders 11-year-old boy to transfer schools. The boy's parents are upset and say their boy has been removed from the school because he has the genetic mutation that carries cystic fibrosis. Principal Bill Darrington has kept quiet on the issue, but those close to Darrington say cystic fibrosis has nothing to do with it. "I've know Bill for years," says Greg Larson, who has known Darrington for years. "He's always had this thing for white people having black people names. He just doesn't like it. He probably took it too far this time by having the boy transfer schools. I think the reason for this is because his name is Coleman Chadam."

Died doing what she loved

Police now believe that a missing woman was killed during threesome. Elizabeth Marriott went missing a few weeks ago. I thought about reporting on it then, but I didn't think she was hot enough to mention it. The story has now taken a twist that is worthy of reporting on. Evidence now points to Marriott being dead. Investigators also believe that her death occurred during a sexual encounter.

Local news team in Oklahoma jumps to conclusion that a 12-year-old girl was making a life-saving decision when she shot a home intruder. When Jessica St. Clair heard an intruder coming into her home, she grabbed the family gun and hide in the closet. The intruder roamed around the house for a bit, still unaware that anyone was home. When he entered the room St. Clair was in he rummaged around before going to open the closet. That's when the girl fired the gun. The news team in Oklahoma has decided to call this a life-saving decision, despite their being no evidence that this guy was going to kill her, or even knew she was their. He was also unarmed.

Dogs kill mailman and then try to kill a smaller dog.

That's it, That's the news.

Marty and The News

Due to the fact that news has decided to only happen on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my reporting of the news has been cut back to the same hours.

News.

Apple set to release something that is bigger than the iPhone, both the new iPhone 5 and older ones, smaller than the the iPad 1 and 2 and the aptly named New iPad, at least until they release a new one and bigger than the iTouch. Nice job Apple. You made something a different size.

Where you are done using those bread crusts to clean your blinds, you can start using packing peanuts as air fresheners..

Contestant in controversial blackbody

It's generally agreed upon, that blackface is racist and should be frowned upon. No social such social norm exists for blackbody. The practice of blackbody has mostly been limited to the world of bodybuilding. But experts say that could be changing. "There could be an explosion of blackbody for Halloween this year," says black expert Charles Smith.

Is 7-year-old Alma Deutscher the next Mozart? Some experts say yes. Charles Smith says no. "She's good," says Smith. "It's impressive that she is composing and playing all this original music, but unless she also has a penis, she's no Mozart. Last I checked, Mozart had a penis." All experts agree that her last name being so close to 'douche' could also prevent here from achieving Mozart status. "Middle school is going to be brutal for her," says music prodigy guru Ted Weinstein. ."

Guy takes horrible video of a Porsche stuck in wet cement.

With the amount of people getting shot in the face lately, I'm going to be able to start a 'Who Got Shot in the Face Today' segment. Today's segment brings us an attempted pig slaughter, that ends with a man shooting his brother in the face. The man who was shot has died. Still no word on the pig. 

Kim Kardashian tries to look like the girl in the bee outfit in that Blind Melon video and admits failure.

Get used to this, say experts

Waffle House beat down (video) ruined by guy recording the action in portrait. Friends of the man are embarrassed and ashamed. When an argument broke out at the local waffle joint over the use of the word faggot, Jermaine Storwell knew he had to get it on video. Storwell's phone was low on battery though. "That's when I told my man Lamar to get this shit on his phone," says Storwell. "I thought he had that shit handled." Shortly after Lamar began recording, the angry Waffle House patrons attacked the man who had been brandishing the fag word so freely. "Soon as everything died down I wanted to see the video. I was like 'hell no, this shot in portrait you dumbass.' I can't even watch it."

Women breast feeding dogs becoming a trend, say experts. Arnold Letzman says he expects that by the year 2030, every women in America will have breast fed their dog at least once.

Home Depot employee won't stop bragging to coworkers that he knew the guy in aisle five was building a pipe bomb.

Woman claims to have given birth on Philadelphia subway. Fellow passengers say otherwise. "No she didn't," says passenger Rose Rosario. "She got on saying she needed money because she was nine months pregnant and had no food. She kind of looked pregnant, but her belly was kind of lumpy. No one really payed attention to her. Then she start complaining of pains and that her baby was coming. She started screaming and all this stuff. The next thing I knew, she got this like 4-year-old kid in her arms and she is saying how beautiful her new baby is and how she wished she had some money to get it some food."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Busy weekend. Surprisingly, news took a week off. I wanted to bring you the news, but it was nowhere to be found. Now it's back. Here it is, the news.

Police mistake Jewish man for black man. Surveillance footage shows two officers beating a man who had been sleeping on a couch at a Jewish center. "I had no idea we were in a Jewish center," said officer Robinson. "I was under the impression the place was a homeless center. There was this man sleeping on the couch. Those couches are for sitting. We woke the man up and found that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I did some quick math in my head. Homeless center, plus man sleeping on sittin' couch, plus no shirt, equals black man. So of course I attacked. Next time I'll just have to be a little more careful."

The man in question was later found to be Bill Murray

Middle-aged, balding, portly, white man shows up unannounced to kick ball game. In what is being called a classic case of 'do as your told, not as I do,' a strange looking man showed up to a kick ball game at a local park earlier today. If this happens at a kids kick ball game, the kids are instructed to get an adult and contact authorities. If it's an adult kick ball game, just get pictures with the guy and ask questions later.

"I go prune," says Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey was referring to how long she spends in the bathtub, but she also inadvertently described her preference for having sex with much older men.

Susan Sarandon didn't Google 'Casting Couch' before going to audition. Sarandon was excited when she got the call to appear on 'Casting Couch'. Sarandon hasn't done anything since 1998. This was going to be her first audition since then. Sarandon was appalled at what she had to do when she appeared at the audition. Had she done a quick Google search of 'Casting Couch', she wouldn't have been so appalled. Sarandon ended up going through with the audition. "At first I was very taken aback at what I was asked to do," says Sarandon, who has done nothing since appearing in 'Stepmom' in 1998. "My career could use a kickstart though, so I reluctantly went through with it."

Community doesn't care that a high school history teacher locked one of his students in a cage.

Moments after Tweeting, "I'll be by this black gentleman for a while if you want to take pictures of me."

Kristen Stewart is afraid that one of her Twitter followers will murder her. Stewart says that her biggest fear in life is being murdered. She is positive that it will happen to her. She claims that the person who murders her will do so because they know where she is because of Twitter. Despite the fear, She refuses to stop telling the Twitter world where she is at all times. "My fans want to know where I am," said Stewart. "They like that kind of stuff." Moments latter Stewart Tweeted, "At Starbucks on 4th and 8th. Be here for a few hours if you want to say hi or murder me."

Red Bull tries to prove that 'Red Bull give you wings.' Man, instead, falls faster than anyone has ever fallen before.

No joke here. Just a hard hitting news story about how to dust blinds with bread crusts.

Millions of Americans mourn upon hearing news of the death of legendary musician B.B. No one bothered hearing the rest of the name. Assuming it was B.B. King who died. News stations around the country apologize for making it appear as if they were going to say B.B. King. It was not B.B. King who died. B.B. Cunningham Jr. died. He was in Jerry Lee Lewis's band or something.

I believe the small penis contest is still taking submissions if you want in. You could win an iPhone. Makes owning an iPhone a lot less cool now.

Embarrassing photo of Jesse, who didn't die. Although his face does look different now.

Teens concoct elaborate plan to shoot friend in the face. According to friends, Jesse Rainey was being 'a real dick lately.' That's when Jesse's friends made an elaborate plan that involved cutting the power to a house and having Jesse 'scare' some friends. Jesse thought the joke was on the friends he would be 'scaring.' The joke was really going to be on Jesse, who was to be shot in the face when he 'scared' his friends. Friend of Jesse, Mark Wright said of the prank, "everything played out as it was supposed to. We convinced Jesse that we were going to cut the power and then he'd jump out and 'scare' our other friends while they were trying to fix it. Jesse wasn't really scaring anyone though. They were in on it. There part of the prank was to shoot Jesse in the face with a shot gun. Everything went just as we planned. The only thing I'd do differently is not doing it at my house. The power at my house still isn't back on. It's been hours. The prank got even better when newspapers started using this picture of Jesse in front of a bunch of stuffed animals."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

I hate that other so-called "news organizations" refuse to report on the debates, or election in general.  It's like they don't exist in their minds. You won't see that from me. So before we get to the actual news, an observation from last night's VP debate needs to be addressed. Joe Bidden had two glasses of water sitting next to him. Paul Ryan had at least four. It may have been five. That Martha lady had one. Where the debate lost all credibility, is in the fact that Martha was using a straw.

News time.

Politicians have way too many opinions on rape, according to poll.. "It makes you stop and think where all these views on rape are coming from," said one anonymous poll responder. "Most people's view on rape is that it's bad. These politicians seem to keep adding a 'but' at the end of that statement, when there is no reason to add one to that statement. You had that 'legitimate rape' guy and now we have a 'some girls are rape easy' guy. It makes you wonder. Maybe these politicians are the kind of guys that we're doing all the raping that we always heard about in college."

The fence rocks were thrown over

Man responds to teenagers throwing rocks over his fence by killing one. The unidentified suspect has been putting up with people throwing rocks over his fence for generations. Finally fed up with the constant rock, the suspect and his posse confronted the rock throwing culprits. Things got heated and ended with one teen being shot and killed.

Bryan Cranston, of 'Malcom in the Middle' fame, proves he's just like us. Cranston also uses the Internet. Cranston, who also has a small role in 'Breaking Bad', a show about a high school teacher who starts cooking meth, has revealed that he actually knows how to cook meth. He didn't intend to, but with that statement he also was telling people that he knows how to use the Internet, because that is where people go to learn to cook meth.

Nobel Prizes are still being given out. The Peace Prize was given out the other day to whatever the EU is.  "This is just ridiculous," said Charles Smith. "At least people knew who Obama was when he won. And why do these things last so long? What is this, like day four and they still aren't even half way done. You've got to be kidding me."

Reminder to all whales to pay bookie

Eye of whale who didn't pay his gambling debts, washes up on shore. Ralph Whale's gambling addiction began at a young age. He was always a small-stakes gambler until the day he came across a clown fish named Marlin. "The odds against Marlin were astronomical," says Ralph. "No one believed in him. Everybody was betting against him. After a chance meeting with him, I knew he'd find Nemo. I put everything I owned on it. I think I was the only one betting on Marlin." Ralph won $137 million when Nemo was found. "The day Marlin found Nemo was the worst day of my life." Ralph went from a low-stakes gambler to a high-stakes gambler. He'd bet on anything and bet big. He once bet $2 million on whether or not a shrimp was asleep or dead. Nearly 10 years after his Nemo bet, Ralph has lost it all. He owes bookie sharks over $13 million. Ralph doesn't know how he is going to pay the debt. "They've all ready taken my eye. I've come to grips with the fact that they'll probably take my life. I'm just worried they'll go after my family."

That's it. That's The News.

Marty and The News

News called in sick yesterday. I was all ready to report it, but it never showed up. It will be reprimanded appropriately. As for now, it's back.

Robin Roberts shows up in the news. Millions of Americans ponder about where they know that name from. "I've heard that name," said Charles Smith, a man we found on the street. "Who is she? Why do I know that name? What does she do?" Smith stood on the street for five minutes trying to figure it out. Finally giving up and looking it up on his phone. "Oh, that lady. That's right."

"That lady fat" - Charles Smith

Marya Rosales disappointed to find out she is only one of the fattest women in the world, goes on eating binge. Rosales has been spending her whole life trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Upon reaching 1,100 pounds, she thought she had done it. Unfortunately, her weight just puts her among a handful of other fat woman. Rosales has locked herself in her room and is eating until her goal is reached.

Americans confused as 'Bad News Bears' actress dies at the age of 20. "Really?" Said Charles Smith. "Isn't that movie almost 40 years old?" When it was pointed out to Smith that she acted in 'Bad News Bears,' not 'The Bad News Bears,' Smith became more confused.

Uma Thurman and others to have sex in movie. Usually sex scenes are just simulated in movies, but a new Lars Von Trier film is going to have the actors and actresses actually performing the acts. "Nice," says Charles Smith. Smith's excitement died down when he learned that Shia LaBeouf would be involved in many of the sex scenes. "Oh, never mind."

Airport loses more than just luggage. Edward Rysiewicz has been flying on airplanes for years. He's been very unlucky when it comes to the airlines losing his luggage. "Happens all the time, says Rysiewicz. "It's gotten to the point where I jokingly wave goodbye and say 'see you in three weeks' to my luggage when I check it. Most of the time I don't see it again for three weeks. I feel like the airlines are messing with me, but now they've taken it to far." The airport lost Rysiewicz' daughter, Jeanne, while they were waiting in line to board their plane. Charles Smith declined to comment due to the fact that he has never flown.

Executioners in Texas show they have a sense of humor. When Jonathan Green said 'I never killed anyone,' moments before he was to be put to death by lethal injection, he didn't know he was going to be given the opportunity to kill someone before being put to death. Texas executioners let Green put the lethal needle into his arm. A task that is usually performed by a doctor. "It took him almost 15 attempts to get his vein," said one executioner, "but he got it. Can't claim he hasn't killed anyone now. Can't claim much of anything. Because he's dead." The man then laughed a lot. Charles Smith could not be reached for a comment.

Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt, complains about Apple Maps. "It just keeps messing up," said Schmidt. "It never gets me to where I need to be. I've been late to every metting for like two weeks. Other than that, I enjoy the phone." When we contacted Charles Smith he said, "Why is he using an iPhone? Did you ask him that?" We've tried to contact Schmidt again, but he won't returen our calls or reply to our emails. Other Google employees say Schmidt is still trying to use his phone to figure out where to catch the bus and then he'll get back to us shortly.

Harvard student who can't get into 'Incest-Fest' is devastated.

According to Marlo Thomas, women are dying during mammogram exams.

Tulane University finds that mice can sing. Mice everywhere start forming barber shop quartets. "Better than whatever that music is my son listens to," says Charles Smith.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Jerry Sandusky, of sex with teen boys fame, sentenced. Only gets 30-60 years. He also released this stupid statement via Penn State radio. In the statement, he says he's only had a sexual relationship with his wife. Meaning he was just using these boys for sex. There was no relationship.

I was the first to report that the Nobel Awards would be given out yesterday. It turns out they were. At least some of them were. Yesterday's winners had a hard time acting excited, or like they cared at all when they won. Turns out they drag these things on until the 15th of October. Cries of "I just want to leave," can be heard all over Stockholm, where the awards are given. Today's winner said of his award, "I don't even want this thing."

Not a very good Hitler

Greece decides it's been long enough since Holocaust, starts Hitler look-a-like contest. "We just feel like it's been long enough since the Holocaust," says contest organizer. "The Holocaust was over 60 years ago. People barely remember it. The wounds have certainly healed. My only regret about the contest is the we only had one entry this year. He didn't even really look like Hitler. One of his henchmen was wearing a gas mask. Not very Hitleresque. We had to  declare him the winner though. He was the only one. Hopefully we get more next year. It's not going to be hard to beat the current Hitler look-a-like champ."

Taken too soon

Local newspapers shocked to find out the winner of a roach eating contest has a criminal record. The contest was held by a local pet store. Contestants were competing for a free python. Dozens of reporters were on hand to cover the event. Not one of them took a picture of the winner. No one could run the story without a picture of the winner. Readers would want a picture of the champ. One guy suggested that they could check criminal records on the off chance that the winner has a mugshot somewhere. "Yeah right," the other reporters laughed. "This guy wouldn't have a criminal record." Everyone, even the guy who suggested it, was shocked to find out that he in fact does have a criminal record. He also died shortly after consuming the roaches. The pet store is going to name the python in his memory. "His name will live on," says the owner.

Dumbasses on and Facebook react to teacher getting punched in the face (video). Thousands of posters, such as John Conroy from Pittsburgh, chimed in saying that if this teacher had a gun, things would have turned out differently. Those people clearly didn't watch the video. A gun would have done nothing for the teacher. Other's claimed a gun would have. Saying that since the boys he was walking by were black, he should have had the gun out pointing it at them as he walked by.

Taliban teaches people to stop being advocates of educating girls and to stop snitchin. Malala Youfsafzai has been the target of the Taliban for speaking out against atrocities of the Taliban, especially against women. A Taliban gunman got onto a bus that Youfsafzai was on and asked which one of them was Malala. One woman pointed out Malala. The gunman shot Youfsafzai twice, then said, "stop advocatin.". The gunman then shot the finger-pointer once while saying, "stop snitchin." The Taliban has fired the gunman for not being able to kill either one.

Girl killed for making fun of fart.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Like most Americans, the news took the weekend off. It's back at full force. It can be overwhelming. That's why I'm here.

Former political prisoner sets himself on fire. The man with a funny name was once a victim of the former communist regime in Albania. He set himself on fire to prove that people like him need their compensation faster than they are currently receiving it. Albanian officials responded by saying, "This whole setting yourself on fire thing is kind of played out. It was novel the first time someone did it. He's going to have to try something different if he wants our attention."

Jay-Z rides the subway, proving that stars are just like us. There are conflicting reports as to whether or not he took the N train or the R train from Canal Street to Atlantic. If he took the R, it just proves that Jay-Z isn't in touch with the common folk anymore. He'd have to make like eight stops taking the R. The N would only mean one stop. Meanwhile, the Q would actually drop him off slightly closer to the Barclays Center, where he was performing at, but that would also mean two stops.  Either way, he's just like us.

Fat guy

Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."

Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.

Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.

Anonymous person sits in a wheelchair

Amusement parks say to airports "you're just finding this out now?" Places like Disneyland and Six Flags have know this for years, but airports are discovering that some passengers in wheel chair don't actually need the wheelchair. The are just gaming the system to skip security lines and boarding lines.





The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.

Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."

So sad

The world stops spinning for a record 47 seconds when news hits of a Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman break up. The previous record was set a month ago when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up. The world stopped spinning for 26 seconds at that time.

Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.

This is why you don't have two separate wedding parties in one hotel at the same time. The police are going to tase a guy and one guy is going to die. There is some sweet video of the brawl if you click on the link.

Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.

Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.

I don't know why people are surprised every time something like this happens on QVC. Woman faints while selling product, QVC powers through like nothing happened. This isn't news. QVC does this all the time. A guy once fell of a ladder and they acted like it didn't happen.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

One look at the news these days and you are bombarded with political banter. Like a real American, you decided who you were going to vote for 6 years ago. You just want the news. That's why I'm here. To give it to you. Give it to you good.

Girl tries to auction off her virginity, only to find no takers. Catarina Migliorini thought she had stumbled across a good get-rich-quick scheme when she decided to auction off her virginity. What she received is a blow to her ego. To spare humiliation, Migliorini has convinced her self that, despite the stereotype, men just don't want the pressure of being 'first.' "That's only partially true," says virginity expert Chuck Ramon. "While it's true that the stereotype of men wanting to deflower someone is grossly exaggerated, that's only a very small reason why there are no takers for Catarina. To be blunt, the fact of the matter is that she just isn't attractive."

Boy finds mammoth in backyard. Evgeny Salinder is only 11, but his newest playmate is 30,000 years old. Salinder came across the mammoth remains while playing in his backyard in Northern Russia. It's assumed his house is also in Northern Russia. After naming the mammoth Clark, the two spent the next few days playing a game Salinder called 'Evgeny and Clark'. "Clark was fun," said Salinder. "We played baseball, wrestled and hopscotched." Salinder eventually tired of his new friend and told his parents of his discovery. His parents called scientists. "This is a very rare find," says science guy Alexei Tikhonov. "The boy destroyed the thing though. He's rendered this thing useless. We could have learned a lot about this particular mammoth and mammoths in general. If I ever see this kid, I'm going to give him a stern talking to."

Gay teen, Ryan Andersen, claims he has been denied his Eagle Scout Award because he is gay. Boy Scouts of America claims Andersen hasn't gotten all the required merit badges for a boy in his situation. The Boy Scouts of America have released a statement.

We made this deal with gays a few years ago. They could be Eagle Scouts and/or leaders, but they have to get our new 'fag' merit badge. Despite it's name, it has nothing to do with them being gay. It's actually really easy to get. You just have to go gather a bunch of sticks. It's a really good skill to have if you are planning to build a fire. We made this badge so that we know who is really in scouting for the right reason. What's to stop a disgruntled gay from infiltrating our organization and taking it down from the inside? With this 'fag' merit badge, we can see who is really all about scouting and what it stands for. Ryan refuses to get the merit badge and that is why he won't be receiving his Eagle. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. That's it. End of discussion."

While is easy to get, you really do just gather a couple of sticks, it does have it's differences from other merit badges. Merit badges, usually are displayed on a sash, that is worn by the scout who has received said badge. Typically, the badge has a picture on it that represents the skill that was learned to earn the badge. For example, the canoeing merit badge has a picture of a canoe on it. The 'fag' merit badge is just a badge that says 'fag'. It is also considerably larger than the other merit badges. It is also not to be displayed on the merit badge sash, like other badges. Proper placement of the 'fag' merit badge, calls for it to be displayed on you scouting uniform and placed where the Eagle Scout badge is placed. The 'fag' merit badge is to be placed over the Eagle Scout badge. All of this can be found in the Boy Scout uniform handbook.

Dickhead wildlife officials in Florida put an end to alligators at kid's pool parties. Having alligators at your kid's pool party had become quite the fad in southern Florida. Officials have put an and to that, saying that it is 'too dangerous'. "It's a shame," says Michael Friedman, who has had several 'gator parties' for his children. "Everyone has been having the parties recently. Only six kids have been bitten. Six. There are literally dozen of kids in this neighborhood and only six have been bitten. Of those, only one of them died as result of being bitten. No one really liked having him at the parties anyways because his family is poor. For them to decide that the parties are dangerous is unjustified."

Police, who observed a car drive into the harbor, are 'shocked' when the lifeless bodies of three women are discovered in the car. One of the policemen, Grant Lowe, described the situation.

Me and two of my police buddies were headed to Denny's to get some breakfast. We saw this car just go into the harbor. We assumed no one was in the car. Who in their right mind would just drive into the harbor? There is also a small hill that leads into the harbor. We came to the conclusion that someone had just forgotten to use their park brake and the unoccupied car had rolled into the harbor. We were all fairly hungry. If we called the car in, we'd have to wait at the scene until other people arrived. So we decided to wait until after we ate to call it in. We had such a good time at Denny's. We were there for nearly four hours. We called in the car and waited at the scene. We had bets on whether or not our park brake theory would prove to be correct. It was then that we saw three dead bodies being pulled from the car. We were shocked. Had we known that there were people in the car, we certainly wouldn't have wasted all that time by going to Denny's. We would have just gone to Dunkin Donuts and then called it in.

 Linda Hogan, ex-wife of the great Hulk Hogan, happens to get DUI on the same day the Hulk Hogan sex tape is released. The two are in no way related.

Canadian economy on it's way to becoming stable again after 600 barrels of missing syrup are found.

That's it. That's the news.