Showing posts with label DUI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DUI. Show all posts

Friday, October 5, 2012

Marty and The News

One look at the news these days and you are bombarded with political banter. Like a real American, you decided who you were going to vote for 6 years ago. You just want the news. That's why I'm here. To give it to you. Give it to you good.

Girl tries to auction off her virginity, only to find no takers. Catarina Migliorini thought she had stumbled across a good get-rich-quick scheme when she decided to auction off her virginity. What she received is a blow to her ego. To spare humiliation, Migliorini has convinced her self that, despite the stereotype, men just don't want the pressure of being 'first.' "That's only partially true," says virginity expert Chuck Ramon. "While it's true that the stereotype of men wanting to deflower someone is grossly exaggerated, that's only a very small reason why there are no takers for Catarina. To be blunt, the fact of the matter is that she just isn't attractive."

Boy finds mammoth in backyard. Evgeny Salinder is only 11, but his newest playmate is 30,000 years old. Salinder came across the mammoth remains while playing in his backyard in Northern Russia. It's assumed his house is also in Northern Russia. After naming the mammoth Clark, the two spent the next few days playing a game Salinder called 'Evgeny and Clark'. "Clark was fun," said Salinder. "We played baseball, wrestled and hopscotched." Salinder eventually tired of his new friend and told his parents of his discovery. His parents called scientists. "This is a very rare find," says science guy Alexei Tikhonov. "The boy destroyed the thing though. He's rendered this thing useless. We could have learned a lot about this particular mammoth and mammoths in general. If I ever see this kid, I'm going to give him a stern talking to."

Gay teen, Ryan Andersen, claims he has been denied his Eagle Scout Award because he is gay. Boy Scouts of America claims Andersen hasn't gotten all the required merit badges for a boy in his situation. The Boy Scouts of America have released a statement.
We made this deal with gays a few years ago. They could be Eagle Scouts and/or leaders, but they have to get our new 'fag' merit badge. Despite it's name, it has nothing to do with them being gay. It's actually really easy to get. You just have to go gather a bunch of sticks. It's a really good skill to have if you are planning to build a fire. We made this badge so that we know who is really in scouting for the right reason. What's to stop a disgruntled gay from infiltrating our organization and taking it down from the inside? With this 'fag' merit badge, we can see who is really all about scouting and what it stands for. Ryan refuses to get the merit badge and that is why he won't be receiving his Eagle. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. That's it. End of discussion."
While is easy to get, you really do just gather a couple of sticks, it does have it's differences from other merit badges. Merit badges, usually are displayed on a sash, that is worn by the scout who has received said badge. Typically, the badge has a picture on it that represents the skill that was learned to earn the badge. For example, the canoeing merit badge has a picture of a canoe on it. The 'fag' merit badge is just a badge that says 'fag'. It is also considerably larger than the other merit badges. It is also not to be displayed on the merit badge sash, like other badges. Proper placement of the 'fag' merit badge, calls for it to be displayed on you scouting uniform and placed where the Eagle Scout badge is placed. The 'fag' merit badge is to be placed over the Eagle Scout badge. All of this can be found in the Boy Scout uniform handbook.

Dickhead wildlife officials in Florida put an end to alligators at kid's pool parties. Having alligators at your kid's pool party had become quite the fad in southern Florida. Officials have put an and to that, saying that it is 'too dangerous'. "It's a shame," says Michael Friedman, who has had several 'gator parties' for his children. "Everyone has been having the parties recently. Only six kids have been bitten. Six. There are literally dozen of kids in this neighborhood and only six have been bitten. Of those, only one of them died as result of being bitten. No one really liked having him at the parties anyways because his family is poor. For them to decide that the parties are dangerous is unjustified."

Police, who observed a car drive into the harbor, are 'shocked' when the lifeless bodies of three women are discovered in the car. One of the policemen, Grant Lowe, described the situation.
Me and two of my police buddies were headed to Denny's to get some breakfast. We saw this car just go into the harbor. We assumed no one was in the car. Who in their right mind would just drive into the harbor? There is also a small hill that leads into the harbor. We came to the conclusion that someone had just forgotten to use their park brake and the unoccupied car had rolled into the harbor. We were all fairly hungry. If we called the car in, we'd have to wait at the scene until other people arrived. So we decided to wait until after we ate to call it in. We had such a good time at Denny's. We were there for nearly four hours. We called in the car and waited at the scene. We had bets on whether or not our park brake theory would prove to be correct. It was then that we saw three dead bodies being pulled from the car. We were shocked. Had we known that there were people in the car, we certainly wouldn't have wasted all that time by going to Denny's. We would have just gone to Dunkin Donuts and then called it in.
 Linda Hogan, ex-wife of the great Hulk Hogan, happens to get DUI on the same day the Hulk Hogan sex tape is released. The two are in no way related.

Canadian economy on it's way to becoming stable again after 600 barrels of missing syrup are found.

That's it. That's the news.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Marty and The News

News. It's a dying medium. It's struggling to happen at the same rate that it used to. One man is here to try and revive it. That man is me.

What failure looks like
Girl in India tries to break human hairball record. "When I heard about that kid in Chicago who had that hairball removed," says Maharaja Yeshwantrao, "I was all like I can beat that." Yeshwantrao didn't beat it. She didn't even come close. "Four pounds is all I could do. I had trouble eating and drinking at that point. He got 10 pounds. My hat is off to him." It should be noted that Yeshwantrao can't afford a hat.
 
Female doctor in Kentucky proves that females know nothing about the male penis. Michael Nash, 61, went to the hospital to get a simple penile implant and a circumcision. He left with frostbite on his penis. The frostbite led to gangrene. Which led to a five inch section of Nash's penis to be removed. Nash claims the frostbite occurred when a female doctor applied ice to his groin for "too damn long." When asked which section of his penis they removed, Nash said, "The middle section." When pushed as to why he was getting the penile implant and circumcision, Nash left the room.

Elephant assisted drunkenness
Man blames his DUI arrest on elephant. When Samuel Phipps was arrested for his 7th DUI, he had a good reason this time. It was the elephant's fault. "I only wanted to have on drink," Phipps said. "I had to drive home. But Larry, this elephant from the zoo, wouldn't let me leave. Every time I'd get up from the bar, Larry would go crazy until I sat back down at the bar. One time he grabbed me with his trunk and lifted me high up in the air. He forced me to drink alcohol from his trunk as well. He'd dip his trunk in the beer, then put his trunk in my mouth." Phipps doesn't have insurance.

Hoarder finds new way to get rid of clutter in his home. An intervention had been held and the man, who lives with his mom, was ready to start getting rid of the many items inside his house. A large dumpster was already set up outside the house and social workers were on their way to help remove items. That's when the man devised a better way to get rid of all the things he had accumulated throughout the years. Burn the house down. Unfortunately, the man became trapped inside the house by his belongings after setting the fire. His mother was able to escape the house after receiving sever burns on her body. One firefighter on the scene was heard saying, "he really should have started the fire from outside the house."

Number of births in the United States falls again. That makes it four years in a row. "Someone out there is lying," says Doctor Robert Jones of the Mayo Clinic. "Based on our numbers, people have been having sex at record rates recently. Birth control has been on the decline though. The low number of births we are seeing just doesn't add up. So either people are covering up births, or people like Chuck from accounting are lying about how much sex they are having." Chuck declined to comment.

That's it. That's the news.