Marty and The News

Some news.

UCLA student's Asian girlfriend cheats on him with 'Honkie white-boy'. Authorities at UCLA still haven't found who is responsible for the signs posted around campus, but an Asian co-ed has told campus police that she believes her ex-boyfriend is responsible for the sexist/racist signs that have been found around campus. So far, two signs have been found. The first one read, "Asian women R Honkie white-boy worshipping Whores." A few days later this was found, "Asian Women are White-Boy Worshipping Sluts". Susan Wui told campus police on Thursday that she thinks it is her ex-boyfriend that is responsible. Last week she cheated on him with Mark Lee. UCLA authorities say there may be nothing then can do if it is Wui's ex that is posting the signs because the signs appear to be true in this case. "Mark Lee is one of the whitest guys on campus," said the UCLA Chancellor.

Either way, it's old

Grand Canyon may have been formed 70 million years ago, says new study. Before the study, it was widely believed that the canyon was formed 6 million years ago. Both studies involved looking at rocks to find the age of the canyon. Geologists say the new finding is significant, because if it were formed 70 million years ago, it would mean that dinosaurs also took in the majestic beauty of the canyon, just as we do today. Although, the dinosaurs likely wouldn't have had the skywalk to view the canyon from, like we do toady. Some geologists aren't convinced of the new findings. Geologist Karl Karlstrom (wish I had made that name up) from the University of New Mexico says that it is "ludicrous" to believe that the canyon was around in the era of dinosaurs. He then went on to say that dinosaurs never existed.

Congress returns to doing what they do best, making a new $1 coin. This time is different. They are doing so in an attempt to get ride of paper $1 bills. Which I'm pretty sure was one of the ideas behind every attempt to make a $1 coin. Except the Sacajawea coin. That was done to show Disney appreciation for making a great movie.  

Fast food workers in New York City demand higher wages. Many fast food workers only make $7.25 an hour. Most fast food executives were ready to listen to the workers and work with them on getting higher wages. Then they found out the workers were asking to make $15 an hour. We've been able to reach any of the fast food executives for a comment, because they are still laughing. 

Prostitutes in Zurich, Switzerland now have to have sex in boxes. Zurich is installing drive-up sex boxes to make it easier for prostitues to conduct their business. To use the boxes, prostitutes must be insured, have a prostitute license and clock in when beginning work. 

NBA Commissioner David Stern is upset with San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich. Popovich sent home four players last night because they are too old and needed to rest. He sent home four of the teams best players, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green. David Stern has said the team will be penalized for their actions and apologized to fans. The commissioner of my fantasy basketball league could take some lessons from Stern. The Shot Blocker Express should be penalized for not starting three of their top players and in doing so, losing the week to Ray's Rim Jobbers. If they had started those players, like they should have, the Rim Jobbers would have lost that week and my team, From Downtown, If You Know What I Mean, would be in first place. It's bullshit.  

That's it. That the News

Marty and The News

News.

Bill O'Reilly finally shuts up everyone who thought he was doing actual news. O'Reilly stopped doing actual news reporting in 1989, when he started working on Inside Edition. People slowly started to realize that his career of doing actual news was over, but some were still believers. When O'Reilly went to Fox News in 1996, he set out to put all the rumors of him doing real news to rest. More people slowly realized he wasn't doing news. By 2010, there were only a handful of believers left. O'Reilly has spent the last two years trying to convince them that he isn't a real news guy. All of his attempts failed. But earlier this week, he found a way. He talked about 'Gangnam Style' and what it meant for 5 minutes. He even brought on an expert. After nearly 25 years, O'Reilly has finally shed the stigma of being a real news guy.

Some are saying she was on That 70's Show

'That 70's Show' star allegedly assaults her 61-year-old husband. Police say her husband also assaulted her. Police are certain the assaults took place. What is under question is whether or not Lisa Robin Kelly was a star on 'That 70's Show', or even on the show at all. Police Chief Michael Roberts had this to say about it. "We have a lot of officers that remember watching that show. A lot say it was their favorite show growing up. Most of them have no idea who she is. There are two guys who say they possibly remember seeing her on an episode or two, but they have no idea what her role was. We've already contacted Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Wilmer Valderamma. They all had no recollection of her. We're still reaching out to Topher Grace, that tall chick and the other dude."

Disney, Sears, Walmart, Sean Coombs, Mickey Mouse and a bunch of other high profile companies/people are the reason for a fire in Bangladesh.

Teen single handedly sets back 'black people can't swim' stereotype 10 years. Pool surveillance footage shows the teen entering the deep end of the school's pool and then just slipping underwater. There was no splashing or struggling to stay afloat. Friends and classmates then swam around and above him for 17 minutes before someone finally realized he was down there.  The 'black people can't swim' stereotype was set to expire in February of 2015. It has now been adjusted to expire in February of 2025. Which was it's expiration date at the beginning of the year. When US Olympic swimmer Cullen Jones won a gold medal at the Olympics this year, the committee decided to have ten years shaved off. Upon hearing of the teens death, the committee tacked the years back on. Some have appealed the ruling. They note that the teens lack of struggle to stay afloat suggests suicide and not a lack of swimming ability. No word on whether or not the committee will hear the appeals.

Golf looks into banning 'belly putters'. Golf has always been all about trying to ban things, and people, that have a competitive advantage. In 2008, they tried to ban black people in attempt to stop Tiger Woods. But then he ran his car into that tree and that stopped his reign of terror, so they let that one go. It looks like they will see this one through to the end.

Somewhere in New York City, there is the body of a man who died on Monday from gun shots, stab wounds and slash marks saying, "hey assholes..."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Took a little break. I mention it because no one would have noticed if I didn't mention it.

New time.

Stranded polar bear

Polar bear is left stranded on iceberg for photo.

Most that can fit, can't find the entrance and go home

Black Friday Walmart strike brings much needed attention to another Walmart strike that has been taking place for 6 months. Everybody knows the backstory behind the Black Friday Walmart strike, but what you don't know about is the strike that's been taking place since May at a Walmart in Georgia. The Georgia Walmart has the smallest front entrance of any Walmart in the world. It's one of the smallest entrances in the entire retail industry. Walmart employees have been trying to get a bigger entrance at the store ever since it opened in 2008. Earlier this year, employees threatened to go on strike after a study showed that several of the employees and most of the customers were unable to fit through the small entrance. Those who can't fit, must go to the back and go in at one of the loading docks.

Applebee's waitress interviewed, for some reason.

Barnes & Noble CEO claims that he still reads books. It's been believed for quite some time that William J. Lynch Jr., Barnes & Noble CEO, hasn't read a book since 1993. Friends of Lynch have know for years that he doesn't read books. "I just wish he'd come out and tell the world," said one close friend. "Be true to himself and stop lying to the world." Lynch has made one small step in coming out. He now says he doesn't read physical books anymore. "Only digital books on my Nook," said Lynch. "I'm reading all the time though." "He's full of shit," says Lynch's son, William Lynch III. "He doesn't even listen to audiobooks."

Mom in Maine tarnishes hazing. A mom in Maine is upset and claims that her son was sodomized as part of a hazing ritual performed by some of the kids on her son's soccer team. That's not hazing. It's called rape and sexual assault. Calling it hazing is a slap in the face to hazing and rape.

If it's illegal to pretend a Taser is your penis, than every man, and most women, who have ever held a Taser is in trouble.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Back to the news.

SEAL Team 6 members ruin 'Medal of Honor: Warfighter'. The Navy's SEAL Team 6 rose to fame when a few of the members carried out the raid that led to the death of Osama Bin Laden. Now they're in the news for an entirely new reason. Seven SEAL Team 6 members, including one who participated in the Bin Laden mission, have been reprimanded for giving classified information to the makers of the newest game in the highly popular 'Medal of Honor' series. The members were sent a disciplinary letter and have lost a few months of pay for their actions. But it's gamers who are going to be hit hardest. Any future copies of the game will be edited by the Navy. Any current copies will be edited by your Internet connected gaming system. Updates have already been sent to all game systems, whether the game has ever been played on the machine or not. So unless your system hasn't been connected to the Internet in the last month, and never is in the future, you will not be able to play the unedited version of the game. However, the edits are very crude. The Navy doesn't know much about video game development. All the edits consist of blurcles over certain images, poorly timed 'beeps' over certain dialogue and in some rare instances, the whole screen just goes blank for a few seconds.

The future doesn't look so bad

Stinky Americans, take note.

Man cuts off tongue for wife. The man's wife had become so fed up with his abusive remarks, that she left him. In attempt to win his wife back, and to keep him from using abusive words in the future, the man cut his own tongue off. Not realizing that his tongue was the only reason his wife was ever with him in the first place. Now he's wifeless and tongueless.

Random wallet picture used for stories about wallets

South African man claims his nephew's genitals are worth $20. That's the reason a man in South Africa gave to police when they found the genitals of his nephew in his wallet. The man was arrested in connection with the death of his nephew. That's when the discovery was made.

Florence Taylor in her house, where she belongs

Town in England gets together to train ferret. Florence Taylor, 86, has been taking a jaunt around the town Nottinghamshire for nearly 40 years. Taylor could be seen taking the same route, at the same time every day. She missed one day in 1983, but that's the only day she ever missed in 40 years. A ferret attack has stopped all of that. Curt Billsley, 48, whohas lived across the street from Taylor his whole life, tells the story. "I grew up with this lady always going around town," says Billsley. "When I was younger, she was always running or jogging around. Sometime in her 60's, she started to slow things down to a walk. That's when she became the cute, inspirational, old lady of Nottinghamshire. That's who she was for over 15 years. She was a town fixture. Other towns were envious that are town had her. Everyone knew and loved her. Eventually she had to get a cane. She was still loved, but never quite as much as she was in her heyday. Then she started using a walker. Talk around town started to go from how cute she is, to how she needs to hang it up. When she put the tennis balls on the walker, the town went nuts. That's when people stared to tell her to stop. It was sad. Other towns were starting to make fun of us. Nottinghamshire became known as 'old lady walking around town' town. Teens from neighboring towns would come over and make fun of her as she walked around. Teens from our own town slowly started to make fun of her, then adults, then children. To her credit, she never stopped. Then one day in 2006, she just collapsed in front of my house. I helped her up. Took her back to her house. The town was ecstatic that it was over. Or so we thought. The next day, she was out there again. Only this time she was on one of those old person/fat person scooters. A meeting was held to figure out how to stop this. That's when the ferret idea came up. It took us six years to train that ferret. It was all worth it though. For five minutes, the whole town watched from their windows as the ferret terrorized her. It even bite her leg for two of those minutes. It worked better than we expected. She won't go out of her house because she is afraid of ferrets now"

Reporter vows to never ask Curt Billsley of Nottinghamshire a question ever again. Billsley turned a simple question into a four hour answer. The reporter tried to cut the answer down as much as possible, but it was still too damn long. But true story. She won't leave her house because she is afraid of ferrets.

Mother in Kenya wastes no time choosing her favorite twin.

Jesus Christ and Mary on the right, log on the left. Or is it the other way around?

Jesus Christ and Mary make an appearance in a log.

"I felt I needed to be inebriated to sleep that night." That's what Ruth Lapointe said about the day she found out her landlord had been spying on here while she showered. "To be fair," says Mark Lapointe, husband of Ruth, "she has to be inebriated every night to fall asleep." Elwyn Gene Miller, the landlord, is accused of peeping on three other girls while they showered. He owns three other building, so he was probably looking at people in those ones too.

Cheetos finally get the recognition they deserve. For years, Cheetos have gone unheralded in the snack pantheon. Now they are in the news for being so good, that one lady almost killed her sister over them. If the bag of Cheetos turn out to be crunchy, instead of puffs, I recant everything I just said.

Doing a sold-out show on Dec. 1

Ronnie Califano slips in a plug for his doo-wop oldies Christmas show fund-raiser starring Jay Black at St. Athanasius Church on Dec 1. Califano was being interviewed about waiting in line for 30 hours to get gas. That's when he slipped in the plug. It's still uncertain as to why he made the plug. "It's sold-out," Califano said shortly after mentioning the show. He did say there is "still a million details for catering, security, parking, VIP seating." Perhaps he was looking for help with that. He sat in car so long though, that he has all of that taken care of now. He was interviewed after waiting in line, so it's not clear as to why he mentioned that those details aren't take care of when they clearly are now. Califano never got his gas from the gas station. He was waiting at the wrong gas station. It was the gas station across the street that received the gas shipment.

School bus driver, Uriah Herron, records cell phone video in landscape. Nice job Uriah Herron. You're the kind of hero every kid needs driving their bus. Oh, and some lady has to wear an 'idiot sign' for two weeks at some corner because of the video.

That's it. That's the News.

Marty and The News

It's really hard to be a news reporter right now. There is real news happening, but it's all overshadowed by the election. Which isn't news. I struggled to gather together news stories today. I even had to let one election related story sneak in. I'll put it at the end, since no one reads that far. I could easily go with the beginning though, since no one has made it this far.

News.

Taken with LG VX-6000

New York City mayor, Michael Bloomberg, fires City Hall photographer. To show his solidarity with the city and that he understands the people's transportation woes, Bloomberg rode the subway to work today. "We've come a long way," said Bloomberg. "A large portion of the subway system is up and running again. A few lines are still not running and most still aren't running at full capacity. Transportation is still and issue for the city. I wanted to show that I'm there with the people of the city." Bloomberg was driven 20 blocks from his home to the 5 stop on 59th Street, despite the fact that there are several stops closer to his house that could easily be walked to. Which is how everyone else does it. Bloomberg was joined on the train by six security guards and a City Hall photographer. The photographer has been fired for not getting a good picture of Bloomberg. The picture looks like it wasn't taken with a cell phone camera from 2004. "It's a shame that I had to fire him," said Bloomberg. "We just bought him this really nice camera a few months ago though. He said he had to have it. It's been a few months. He should have learned how to use it by now. This was a very important picture, that was supposed to show me being a normal New Yorker."

Man has received mysterious death threats after catching an octopus. Police now believe the threats are coming from the family of the octopus.

When attacked by a bear, make sure you fight back, or it won't be classified as an attack.

I got stuff to do. You're not going to get your election story. It was just about how the astronauts in space get to vote. Yet, I'm not able to vote from my apartment. That's bullshit, and...

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Report

News.

*Updated* November 4, 2012

Arby's executive attacks 'Sandwich Artist'

Arby's attack on Subway prompts one manager to quit.

Dale Lawson had been the manager of the Arby's in Hays, Kansas for almost 6 years. He'd been working at the Arby's for over 13 years. Starting as a cashier during high school. That's all over now.

"I enjoyed my time at Arby's," says Lawson. "I really wanted to stay, but they've gone too far. There is a Subway right across the street from the Arby's here in Hays. I have friends that work there. Well, we used to be friends."

Lawson also says the two stores were always trading food. "I'd always go over to get sandwiches and cookies. In return, I'd give them some curly fries and Horsey Sauce." Whenever the two businesses threw parties for their employees, they'd always have the parties on the same day, and at the same location. Often times at a nearby park. "Eventually the two parties would merge into one," says Lawson. "It didn't matter if you worked at Subway or Arby's. We all worked on main street in Hays, Kansas. That's what brought us together."

No meat slicer here

The Arby's ads attacking Subway starting making the rounds in early October. The ads center around the fact that Subway doesn't slice their meat in store and that Arby's does.

After seeing one of the ads, Lawson contacted his regional manager, asking for the ads to stop. "I told him, I don't like this. I have friends that work at Subway. Before hanging up, I told him that I felt so strongly about this, that I'll leave if they don't stop. I made sure he knew I was serious. I didn't want these ads ruining my friendships."

Meat slicer equipped

Lawson was about to find out that it was too late.

On Thursday, two days after the ads began airing, Lawson went to Subway with a bag of fresh curly fries and Horsey Sauce. "That was the worst moment of my life," Lawson says. "I walked in there and none of them would even look at me. No one said a word to me. Rick, (the manager of Subway), came out eventually. He just looked at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. He was hurt. He had a hard time speaking, but he did manage to get these words out, 'why don't you go back over there and use your fancy meat slicer.' His words cut through me like a meat slicer through meat. I'll never forget those words."

Lawson started to leave the Subway, but stopped in the doorway to make one last plea. "I want all of you to know, I had nothing to do with this. I'm trying to get the ads taken down. It's not right what they are doing. I've threatened to quit over this."

"Rick just looked at me," says Lawson. "The pain was still evident in his eyes as he spoke, 'get out of my store Dale."

Lawson was done. He couldn't take it anymore. Arby's had gone too far. He called his regional manager back and put in his two weeks.

"I just don't understand why Arby's would do this. Arby's doesn't have cookies. Subway doesn't use that against them. I just don't like this at all. Subway has good sandwiches. Meat slicer or not. It's ruined my friendship with the workers at Subway. I haven't seen or spoken to Rick since he told me to leave his store. Occasionally I'll see one of the Subway employees in town. They still won't look at me. I'm not the only one at Arby's that is upset either. Two other employees left with me. A few more want to leave. They can't though because of financial reasons. Subway and Arby's employees in Hays, Kansas were best friends. The actions of Arby's has brought that to an end. It's not just in Hays, Kansas either. I'm sure this is the case in cities around the country. I just hope that one day, we can put all of this behind us."

Arby's has refused to comment. They've also refused to stop the ads. Despite the ruined friendships.

*Update*

Dale Lawson has contacted me. He has asked that an analogy he made be changed, or taken out of the article. While the analogy in question will remain in the article in it's original form, I have allowed Lawson to write a short statement explaining himself.

I sincerely apologize for the analogy I made about Rick's words 'cutting through me like a meat slicer through meat'. I sincerely meant nothing by the flippant analogy. I understand why many think it comes across as callous and uncaring. That is far from the truth. It was not a thinly veiled jab to Rick or Subway, as some have suggested. You have to understand, for over 13 years, my job at Arby's gave me daily access to a meat slicer. Many analogies I made during that time, involved a meat slicer in one way or another. I have many Horsey Sauce analogies as well, but I'm getting off topic.

I clearly wasn't thinking and made a poor choice of words when using the analogy. Nothing was meant by it. I want to apologize to Rick, Rick's employees, Subway, all Subway employees and all Subway lovers. I deeply regret my choice of words. Again, nothing was meant by them. I sincerely apologize to all of you. I can only ask that you forgive me.

With Deep Regret and Sorrow

Dale Lawson