Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Jimmy Carter backs marijuana legalization. Carter claims he is calling for legalization because imprisonment for possession is out of control. Friends of Carter say he started smoking pot a few weeks ago and is also deathly afraid of prison.

Not royalty

Pippa Middleton wants everyone to know that she is still around. Pippa is not royal in anyway and is also not pregnant. She did write a book though, that no one is buying. She aslo said something about her 'bum'.

For the second time this week, a 'famous musician' dies. On Sunday, it was Jenni Rivera. Today it's Ravi Shankar. In both cases, no one had any idea these people existed until they died.

Teacher in France is suspended for having students write his suicide note. The teacher's name hasn't been released, but he's French, so we'll call him Pierre Gusteau. Gusteau didn't have much to live for and now he has almost nothing now that he's been suspended from his teaching job. Gusteau hadn't fully committed to suicide, but he was far enough along that he felt he should write a note just in case. He tried several drafts, but each time he was disappointed with the result. That's when Gusteau got the idea of having his student's write his suicided note. His plan was to have the student's write a pretend suicide note, or real one if that's how they felt. He would then pick the best one, or bits and pieces from each, for his perfect suicide note. The students completed the assignment, but school officials were able to intervene before Gusteau picked a 'winning' note. Before officials contacted him, Gusteau had only graded one note. Next to Gusteau's grade for the paper are the words, "not precise enough." School officials suspended Gusteau for his actions and released this statement explaining the suspension.

What Pierre Gusteau has done is inexcusable. We can't have our teachers using students to write their own suicide note, unless proper credit is given to the student or student's who really wrote it. It's called plagiarism. And we just won't stand for it. After questioning Mr. Gusteau, we have determined that he had every intention on plagiarizing from his students. We take plagiarism very seriously. We had no choice but to suspend Mr. Gusteau.

The house Ronald Reagan lived in while he was a child, is being torn down. For some reason, people care.

McKenna Pope, cu*t?

According to one Hasbro executive, 13-year-old McKenna Pope "is a cu*t." Pope tried to buy an Easy-Bake-Oven for her little brother, but she found that they only come in pink and purple. She wanted to change this, so she started a petition. She's collected more than 30,000 signatures on the petition. Although, it's believed that her parents collected 29,000 of the 30,000. The petition asks for Hasbro to make the Easy-Bake-Oven in gender neutral colors. Hasbro has agreed to meet with Pope to discuss the issue. We were able to reach one Hasbro executive and he has agreed to comment under the condition of anonymity. "I was supposed to go home at three today, but thanks to this whiny little brat, I have to go to this stupid meeting. The Easy-Bake-Oven is pink or purple because those are the colors that sell. We've tried all kinds of colors. They don't sell. We sold a blue one once. We sold two, worldwide. Now because of this entitled little girl, we have to discuss this again. We already know the answer. Other colors don't sell. She's the one with the problem. She's assigning colors gender. We're a business. Bottom line is, we make the colors that sell. We're not making other colors that don't sell because some little girl says they aren't gender neutral enough for her. She's a cu*t."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here we go. It's news time. Start reading now.

Woman claims she was singled out by TSA, blames hairstyle. When Dana Oliver was singled out for a random search airport security, she had no one to blame but herself. "It had to be the hair," said Oliver.  During the pat down, Oliver claims that the gentlemen performing the search squeezed her butt. She also blamed the squeeze on the hair. Never once did she acknowledge that maybe the guy performing the search thought that she was attractive and that her booty was fly and used his positon to have her pulled out of line.

Before PSY was pretending to ride horses, he was telling America that they suck. In quite possibly the worst YouTube video of all time (the video being bad has nothing to do with PSY being in it, just watch it if you want to see why), South Korean rapper PSY is seen holding a tank over his head and throwing it to the ground. Not a full size tank. He then smashes it to pieces. It's a pretty generic looking tank. Nothing innately American looking about it. Could just be an anti-tank/war song, but since most Americans think we are the only ones with tanks, it's an American tank. One of the lyrics in the song is, "kill those f--king Yankees." No one is giving PSY the benefit of a doubt with that lyric. Even though it's a well known fact that his is a Red Sox fan.

Homeless people prove that they want to be homeless. Despite an effort to make more homeless shelters available to the homeless, the homeless rate hasn't moved. Charles Smith had this to say. "I know this guy that got sent to one of those homeless shelters. He just waited until they thought he was asleep and then climbed out the window. He was back at his bridge in a few hours. Most of these homeless guys want to be homeless."

Miley Cyrus being Pink in black

No one pays attention to Miley Cyrus as she slowly turns into Pink.

South Africa rethinks their hospital policy. It's standard procedure to not admit people into South African hospitals that are still able to speak. Lawmakers in South Africa may change this policy after what happened to Nelson Mandela. Mandela, 94, has been in quite poor health for a while now. His family and friends have been trying to get him into a hospital for a few months. The only problem was the Mandela was still able to speak. Mandela stopped speaking the other day and was finally admitted to the hospital. Some say it's all a rouse and that he can still speak. He's just using his postion to be admitted into the hospital. Friends of Mandela say it's a miracle that he stopped speaking. "If he were still speaking," says friend of Mandela, "he'd be dead." 

Kiam Moriya to turn 12. Moriya thinks it's a big deal that he is turning 12 because he was born on December 12, 2000 at 12:12 p.m.  That would mean he's turning 12 on 12/12/12 at 12:12 p.m. Moriya's teacher says he thinks he's hot shit because of it. "He used to be the biggest loser in the class. Last month he started telling everyone about how his birthday was going to be all 12s. The kids all thought this was cool. It's not cool. I plan on teaching the kids about Military time on December 13th. To show him and the class that his birthday isn't really all 12s. Then it will be back to spit-wads and wedgies for Kiam. That kid sucks and his name is stupid."

Irresponsible toddler leaves lets go of dog's leash to splash around in a puddle. Davis Lange, 3, was walking his dog, Rufus, when they duo came across a puddle. Lange dropped the dog's leash and started splashing in the puddle. Police have issued the toddler a ticket. "I know the boy is only 3, but we can't let this kind of thing go unpunished. What he did is just irresponsible. Dog owners need to have their dogs on a leash and be holding that leash at all times when out in public. For the safety of the dog and everyone in the vicinity. The dog did just stand there and watch the boy play in the puddle, but who's to say that'll be the case next time."

What do you think? Do you think the police made the right decision? Watch the video and leave a comment.

Boy doesn't get the toy he wanted for his birthday, donates all the presents he did get in hopes that someone will get him the presents he wanted as a reward for his generosity. Chase Branscum, 12, got hundreds of presents for his birthday, but not one of them was what he really wanted. In an act of generosity, Branscum donated everything he received to Toys for Tots. "I have toys," says Bransum. "I don't have a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy, but I have toys. Those kids deserve to have toys to play with. I just know those kids are going to have so much fun with the toys. The toys will bring them so much joy. The same kind of joy I'd get from a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy."

Monkey in puffy coat shops at IKEA. It's not known what the monkey was looking for. Despite IKEA having everything, the monkey left the store with nothing. He looked quite perturbed and frantic as he left the store.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here is news.

The Royal Balding

World is shocked to learn that Kate Middleton is pregnant and one newspapers editor is fired for using a non-royal related pun. Middleton, of 'being married to that balding Prince' fame, was taken to the hospital for acute morning sickness. It was announced that she was pregnant shortly after her hospital visit. The pregnancy has quickly been dubbed the Royal Pregnancy. Middleton's bout with acute morning sickness has been dubbed the Royal Morning Sickness. Although one small town newspaper's editor went with the headline, 'Acute Morning Sickness, More Like A-Cute Morning Sickness'. He was appropriately fired and thrown out of the country. In the hospital, Middleton had to be given water and nutrients. That has become known as the Royal Supplementation or Royal Hydration. Most were shocked to learn of the pregnancy, because there hasn't been any reports of Royal Sexual Intercourse ever taking place.

Supreme Court still has nothing to about same-sex marriage. In public, that is. Behind closed doors, same-sex marriage is all they talk about and do. They are always same-sex marrying people and each other. Stephen Breyer has been married to Thurgood Marshall for about a year. Same with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor. Clarence Thomas was engaged to Anthony Kennedy and Antonin Scalia and John Paul Stephens had been dating for nearly six years, but then Scalia cheated with Thomas. Both Kennedy and Stephens have sworn off dating because of the incident. Scalia and Thomas are set to be wed next month. The only straight one out of the bunch is Samuel Alito. He doesn't date either though, because his heart was also broken. He's loved Ginsburg for years. He even tried to stop the wedding of Ginsburg and Sotomayor during the ceremony. I think I got all of them.

Slow year for celebrity sex tapes as Octomom is nominated for 'Best Celebrity sex tape'.

Homeless guy thinks this is worth milions

Homeless man doesn't understand how the Internet works. Jeffrey Hillman has been homeless for for than 10 years. When a police officer spotted him on the street a few weeks ago, he noticed Hillman was barefoot. The officer went to a shoe store and bought Hillman a $100 pair of boots. Hillman refuses to wear the boots, because he says he would be killed for them. He says he has them hidden somewhere. A photo of the officer giving the boots to Hillman was taken. The photo was posted online and has gone viral. "I was put on YouTube," Hillman said. "I was put on everything without permission. What do I get? This went around the world, and I want a piece of the pie." What he doesn't realize is that the boots he was given are worth roughly 10,000 times more than the amount of money that was generated by the photo being on the Internet. Those 600,000 likes on Facebook aren't worth anything. He was also never put on YouTube, unless you count news stories. He also shouldn't know what YouTube is. He was homeless when it became a thing.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Some news.

UCLA student's Asian girlfriend cheats on him with 'Honkie white-boy'. Authorities at UCLA still haven't found who is responsible for the signs posted around campus, but an Asian co-ed has told campus police that she believes her ex-boyfriend is responsible for the sexist/racist signs that have been found around campus. So far, two signs have been found. The first one read, "Asian women R Honkie white-boy worshipping Whores." A few days later this was found, "Asian Women are White-Boy Worshipping Sluts". Susan Wui told campus police on Thursday that she thinks it is her ex-boyfriend that is responsible. Last week she cheated on him with Mark Lee. UCLA authorities say there may be nothing then can do if it is Wui's ex that is posting the signs because the signs appear to be true in this case. "Mark Lee is one of the whitest guys on campus," said the UCLA Chancellor.

Either way, it's old

Grand Canyon may have been formed 70 million years ago, says new study. Before the study, it was widely believed that the canyon was formed 6 million years ago. Both studies involved looking at rocks to find the age of the canyon. Geologists say the new finding is significant, because if it were formed 70 million years ago, it would mean that dinosaurs also took in the majestic beauty of the canyon, just as we do today. Although, the dinosaurs likely wouldn't have had the skywalk to view the canyon from, like we do toady. Some geologists aren't convinced of the new findings. Geologist Karl Karlstrom (wish I had made that name up) from the University of New Mexico says that it is "ludicrous" to believe that the canyon was around in the era of dinosaurs. He then went on to say that dinosaurs never existed.

Congress returns to doing what they do best, making a new $1 coin. This time is different. They are doing so in an attempt to get ride of paper $1 bills. Which I'm pretty sure was one of the ideas behind every attempt to make a $1 coin. Except the Sacajawea coin. That was done to show Disney appreciation for making a great movie.  

Fast food workers in New York City demand higher wages. Many fast food workers only make $7.25 an hour. Most fast food executives were ready to listen to the workers and work with them on getting higher wages. Then they found out the workers were asking to make $15 an hour. We've been able to reach any of the fast food executives for a comment, because they are still laughing. 

Prostitutes in Zurich, Switzerland now have to have sex in boxes. Zurich is installing drive-up sex boxes to make it easier for prostitues to conduct their business. To use the boxes, prostitutes must be insured, have a prostitute license and clock in when beginning work. 

NBA Commissioner David Stern is upset with San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich. Popovich sent home four players last night because they are too old and needed to rest. He sent home four of the teams best players, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green. David Stern has said the team will be penalized for their actions and apologized to fans. The commissioner of my fantasy basketball league could take some lessons from Stern. The Shot Blocker Express should be penalized for not starting three of their top players and in doing so, losing the week to Ray's Rim Jobbers. If they had started those players, like they should have, the Rim Jobbers would have lost that week and my team, From Downtown, If You Know What I Mean, would be in first place. It's bullshit.  

That's it. That the News

Marty and The News

News.

Bill O'Reilly finally shuts up everyone who thought he was doing actual news. O'Reilly stopped doing actual news reporting in 1989, when he started working on Inside Edition. People slowly started to realize that his career of doing actual news was over, but some were still believers. When O'Reilly went to Fox News in 1996, he set out to put all the rumors of him doing real news to rest. More people slowly realized he wasn't doing news. By 2010, there were only a handful of believers left. O'Reilly has spent the last two years trying to convince them that he isn't a real news guy. All of his attempts failed. But earlier this week, he found a way. He talked about 'Gangnam Style' and what it meant for 5 minutes. He even brought on an expert. After nearly 25 years, O'Reilly has finally shed the stigma of being a real news guy.

Some are saying she was on That 70's Show

'That 70's Show' star allegedly assaults her 61-year-old husband. Police say her husband also assaulted her. Police are certain the assaults took place. What is under question is whether or not Lisa Robin Kelly was a star on 'That 70's Show', or even on the show at all. Police Chief Michael Roberts had this to say about it. "We have a lot of officers that remember watching that show. A lot say it was their favorite show growing up. Most of them have no idea who she is. There are two guys who say they possibly remember seeing her on an episode or two, but they have no idea what her role was. We've already contacted Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Wilmer Valderamma. They all had no recollection of her. We're still reaching out to Topher Grace, that tall chick and the other dude."

Disney, Sears, Walmart, Sean Coombs, Mickey Mouse and a bunch of other high profile companies/people are the reason for a fire in Bangladesh.

Teen single handedly sets back 'black people can't swim' stereotype 10 years. Pool surveillance footage shows the teen entering the deep end of the school's pool and then just slipping underwater. There was no splashing or struggling to stay afloat. Friends and classmates then swam around and above him for 17 minutes before someone finally realized he was down there.  The 'black people can't swim' stereotype was set to expire in February of 2015. It has now been adjusted to expire in February of 2025. Which was it's expiration date at the beginning of the year. When US Olympic swimmer Cullen Jones won a gold medal at the Olympics this year, the committee decided to have ten years shaved off. Upon hearing of the teens death, the committee tacked the years back on. Some have appealed the ruling. They note that the teens lack of struggle to stay afloat suggests suicide and not a lack of swimming ability. No word on whether or not the committee will hear the appeals.

Golf looks into banning 'belly putters'. Golf has always been all about trying to ban things, and people, that have a competitive advantage. In 2008, they tried to ban black people in attempt to stop Tiger Woods. But then he ran his car into that tree and that stopped his reign of terror, so they let that one go. It looks like they will see this one through to the end.

Somewhere in New York City, there is the body of a man who died on Monday from gun shots, stab wounds and slash marks saying, "hey assholes..."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Took a little break. I mention it because no one would have noticed if I didn't mention it.

New time.

Stranded polar bear

Polar bear is left stranded on iceberg for photo.

Most that can fit, can't find the entrance and go home

Black Friday Walmart strike brings much needed attention to another Walmart strike that has been taking place for 6 months. Everybody knows the backstory behind the Black Friday Walmart strike, but what you don't know about is the strike that's been taking place since May at a Walmart in Georgia. The Georgia Walmart has the smallest front entrance of any Walmart in the world. It's one of the smallest entrances in the entire retail industry. Walmart employees have been trying to get a bigger entrance at the store ever since it opened in 2008. Earlier this year, employees threatened to go on strike after a study showed that several of the employees and most of the customers were unable to fit through the small entrance. Those who can't fit, must go to the back and go in at one of the loading docks.

Applebee's waitress interviewed, for some reason.

Barnes & Noble CEO claims that he still reads books. It's been believed for quite some time that William J. Lynch Jr., Barnes & Noble CEO, hasn't read a book since 1993. Friends of Lynch have know for years that he doesn't read books. "I just wish he'd come out and tell the world," said one close friend. "Be true to himself and stop lying to the world." Lynch has made one small step in coming out. He now says he doesn't read physical books anymore. "Only digital books on my Nook," said Lynch. "I'm reading all the time though." "He's full of shit," says Lynch's son, William Lynch III. "He doesn't even listen to audiobooks."

Mom in Maine tarnishes hazing. A mom in Maine is upset and claims that her son was sodomized as part of a hazing ritual performed by some of the kids on her son's soccer team. That's not hazing. It's called rape and sexual assault. Calling it hazing is a slap in the face to hazing and rape.

If it's illegal to pretend a Taser is your penis, than every man, and most women, who have ever held a Taser is in trouble.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Back to the news.

SEAL Team 6 members ruin 'Medal of Honor: Warfighter'. The Navy's SEAL Team 6 rose to fame when a few of the members carried out the raid that led to the death of Osama Bin Laden. Now they're in the news for an entirely new reason. Seven SEAL Team 6 members, including one who participated in the Bin Laden mission, have been reprimanded for giving classified information to the makers of the newest game in the highly popular 'Medal of Honor' series. The members were sent a disciplinary letter and have lost a few months of pay for their actions. But it's gamers who are going to be hit hardest. Any future copies of the game will be edited by the Navy. Any current copies will be edited by your Internet connected gaming system. Updates have already been sent to all game systems, whether the game has ever been played on the machine or not. So unless your system hasn't been connected to the Internet in the last month, and never is in the future, you will not be able to play the unedited version of the game. However, the edits are very crude. The Navy doesn't know much about video game development. All the edits consist of blurcles over certain images, poorly timed 'beeps' over certain dialogue and in some rare instances, the whole screen just goes blank for a few seconds.

The future doesn't look so bad

Stinky Americans, take note.

Man cuts off tongue for wife. The man's wife had become so fed up with his abusive remarks, that she left him. In attempt to win his wife back, and to keep him from using abusive words in the future, the man cut his own tongue off. Not realizing that his tongue was the only reason his wife was ever with him in the first place. Now he's wifeless and tongueless.

Random wallet picture used for stories about wallets

South African man claims his nephew's genitals are worth $20. That's the reason a man in South Africa gave to police when they found the genitals of his nephew in his wallet. The man was arrested in connection with the death of his nephew. That's when the discovery was made.

Florence Taylor in her house, where she belongs

Town in England gets together to train ferret. Florence Taylor, 86, has been taking a jaunt around the town Nottinghamshire for nearly 40 years. Taylor could be seen taking the same route, at the same time every day. She missed one day in 1983, but that's the only day she ever missed in 40 years. A ferret attack has stopped all of that. Curt Billsley, 48, whohas lived across the street from Taylor his whole life, tells the story. "I grew up with this lady always going around town," says Billsley. "When I was younger, she was always running or jogging around. Sometime in her 60's, she started to slow things down to a walk. That's when she became the cute, inspirational, old lady of Nottinghamshire. That's who she was for over 15 years. She was a town fixture. Other towns were envious that are town had her. Everyone knew and loved her. Eventually she had to get a cane. She was still loved, but never quite as much as she was in her heyday. Then she started using a walker. Talk around town started to go from how cute she is, to how she needs to hang it up. When she put the tennis balls on the walker, the town went nuts. That's when people stared to tell her to stop. It was sad. Other towns were starting to make fun of us. Nottinghamshire became known as 'old lady walking around town' town. Teens from neighboring towns would come over and make fun of her as she walked around. Teens from our own town slowly started to make fun of her, then adults, then children. To her credit, she never stopped. Then one day in 2006, she just collapsed in front of my house. I helped her up. Took her back to her house. The town was ecstatic that it was over. Or so we thought. The next day, she was out there again. Only this time she was on one of those old person/fat person scooters. A meeting was held to figure out how to stop this. That's when the ferret idea came up. It took us six years to train that ferret. It was all worth it though. For five minutes, the whole town watched from their windows as the ferret terrorized her. It even bite her leg for two of those minutes. It worked better than we expected. She won't go out of her house because she is afraid of ferrets now"

Reporter vows to never ask Curt Billsley of Nottinghamshire a question ever again. Billsley turned a simple question into a four hour answer. The reporter tried to cut the answer down as much as possible, but it was still too damn long. But true story. She won't leave her house because she is afraid of ferrets.

Mother in Kenya wastes no time choosing her favorite twin.

Jesus Christ and Mary on the right, log on the left. Or is it the other way around?

Jesus Christ and Mary make an appearance in a log.

"I felt I needed to be inebriated to sleep that night." That's what Ruth Lapointe said about the day she found out her landlord had been spying on here while she showered. "To be fair," says Mark Lapointe, husband of Ruth, "she has to be inebriated every night to fall asleep." Elwyn Gene Miller, the landlord, is accused of peeping on three other girls while they showered. He owns three other building, so he was probably looking at people in those ones too.

Cheetos finally get the recognition they deserve. For years, Cheetos have gone unheralded in the snack pantheon. Now they are in the news for being so good, that one lady almost killed her sister over them. If the bag of Cheetos turn out to be crunchy, instead of puffs, I recant everything I just said.

Doing a sold-out show on Dec. 1

Ronnie Califano slips in a plug for his doo-wop oldies Christmas show fund-raiser starring Jay Black at St. Athanasius Church on Dec 1. Califano was being interviewed about waiting in line for 30 hours to get gas. That's when he slipped in the plug. It's still uncertain as to why he made the plug. "It's sold-out," Califano said shortly after mentioning the show. He did say there is "still a million details for catering, security, parking, VIP seating." Perhaps he was looking for help with that. He sat in car so long though, that he has all of that taken care of now. He was interviewed after waiting in line, so it's not clear as to why he mentioned that those details aren't take care of when they clearly are now. Califano never got his gas from the gas station. He was waiting at the wrong gas station. It was the gas station across the street that received the gas shipment.

School bus driver, Uriah Herron, records cell phone video in landscape. Nice job Uriah Herron. You're the kind of hero every kid needs driving their bus. Oh, and some lady has to wear an 'idiot sign' for two weeks at some corner because of the video.

That's it. That's the News.

Marty and The News

It's really hard to be a news reporter right now. There is real news happening, but it's all overshadowed by the election. Which isn't news. I struggled to gather together news stories today. I even had to let one election related story sneak in. I'll put it at the end, since no one reads that far. I could easily go with the beginning though, since no one has made it this far.

News.

Taken with LG VX-6000

New York City mayor, Michael Bloomberg, fires City Hall photographer. To show his solidarity with the city and that he understands the people's transportation woes, Bloomberg rode the subway to work today. "We've come a long way," said Bloomberg. "A large portion of the subway system is up and running again. A few lines are still not running and most still aren't running at full capacity. Transportation is still and issue for the city. I wanted to show that I'm there with the people of the city." Bloomberg was driven 20 blocks from his home to the 5 stop on 59th Street, despite the fact that there are several stops closer to his house that could easily be walked to. Which is how everyone else does it. Bloomberg was joined on the train by six security guards and a City Hall photographer. The photographer has been fired for not getting a good picture of Bloomberg. The picture looks like it wasn't taken with a cell phone camera from 2004. "It's a shame that I had to fire him," said Bloomberg. "We just bought him this really nice camera a few months ago though. He said he had to have it. It's been a few months. He should have learned how to use it by now. This was a very important picture, that was supposed to show me being a normal New Yorker."

Man has received mysterious death threats after catching an octopus. Police now believe the threats are coming from the family of the octopus.

When attacked by a bear, make sure you fight back, or it won't be classified as an attack.

I got stuff to do. You're not going to get your election story. It was just about how the astronauts in space get to vote. Yet, I'm not able to vote from my apartment. That's bullshit, and...

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Report

News.

*Updated* November 4, 2012

Arby's executive attacks 'Sandwich Artist'

Arby's attack on Subway prompts one manager to quit.

Dale Lawson had been the manager of the Arby's in Hays, Kansas for almost 6 years. He'd been working at the Arby's for over 13 years. Starting as a cashier during high school. That's all over now.

"I enjoyed my time at Arby's," says Lawson. "I really wanted to stay, but they've gone too far. There is a Subway right across the street from the Arby's here in Hays. I have friends that work there. Well, we used to be friends."

Lawson also says the two stores were always trading food. "I'd always go over to get sandwiches and cookies. In return, I'd give them some curly fries and Horsey Sauce." Whenever the two businesses threw parties for their employees, they'd always have the parties on the same day, and at the same location. Often times at a nearby park. "Eventually the two parties would merge into one," says Lawson. "It didn't matter if you worked at Subway or Arby's. We all worked on main street in Hays, Kansas. That's what brought us together."

No meat slicer here

The Arby's ads attacking Subway starting making the rounds in early October. The ads center around the fact that Subway doesn't slice their meat in store and that Arby's does.

After seeing one of the ads, Lawson contacted his regional manager, asking for the ads to stop. "I told him, I don't like this. I have friends that work at Subway. Before hanging up, I told him that I felt so strongly about this, that I'll leave if they don't stop. I made sure he knew I was serious. I didn't want these ads ruining my friendships."

Meat slicer equipped

Lawson was about to find out that it was too late.

On Thursday, two days after the ads began airing, Lawson went to Subway with a bag of fresh curly fries and Horsey Sauce. "That was the worst moment of my life," Lawson says. "I walked in there and none of them would even look at me. No one said a word to me. Rick, (the manager of Subway), came out eventually. He just looked at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. He was hurt. He had a hard time speaking, but he did manage to get these words out, 'why don't you go back over there and use your fancy meat slicer.' His words cut through me like a meat slicer through meat. I'll never forget those words."

Lawson started to leave the Subway, but stopped in the doorway to make one last plea. "I want all of you to know, I had nothing to do with this. I'm trying to get the ads taken down. It's not right what they are doing. I've threatened to quit over this."

"Rick just looked at me," says Lawson. "The pain was still evident in his eyes as he spoke, 'get out of my store Dale."

Lawson was done. He couldn't take it anymore. Arby's had gone too far. He called his regional manager back and put in his two weeks.

"I just don't understand why Arby's would do this. Arby's doesn't have cookies. Subway doesn't use that against them. I just don't like this at all. Subway has good sandwiches. Meat slicer or not. It's ruined my friendship with the workers at Subway. I haven't seen or spoken to Rick since he told me to leave his store. Occasionally I'll see one of the Subway employees in town. They still won't look at me. I'm not the only one at Arby's that is upset either. Two other employees left with me. A few more want to leave. They can't though because of financial reasons. Subway and Arby's employees in Hays, Kansas were best friends. The actions of Arby's has brought that to an end. It's not just in Hays, Kansas either. I'm sure this is the case in cities around the country. I just hope that one day, we can put all of this behind us."

Arby's has refused to comment. They've also refused to stop the ads. Despite the ruined friendships.

*Update*

Dale Lawson has contacted me. He has asked that an analogy he made be changed, or taken out of the article. While the analogy in question will remain in the article in it's original form, I have allowed Lawson to write a short statement explaining himself.

I sincerely apologize for the analogy I made about Rick's words 'cutting through me like a meat slicer through meat'. I sincerely meant nothing by the flippant analogy. I understand why many think it comes across as callous and uncaring. That is far from the truth. It was not a thinly veiled jab to Rick or Subway, as some have suggested. You have to understand, for over 13 years, my job at Arby's gave me daily access to a meat slicer. Many analogies I made during that time, involved a meat slicer in one way or another. I have many Horsey Sauce analogies as well, but I'm getting off topic.

I clearly wasn't thinking and made a poor choice of words when using the analogy. Nothing was meant by it. I want to apologize to Rick, Rick's employees, Subway, all Subway employees and all Subway lovers. I deeply regret my choice of words. Again, nothing was meant by them. I sincerely apologize to all of you. I can only ask that you forgive me.

With Deep Regret and Sorrow

Dale Lawson 

 

Marty and The News

Back to the regularly scheduled news.

Dirt is becoming the new Match.com

Scientist now views his neighbor in a new light because of dirt. Scientist, Steve Simmons, used to hate his neighbor Marc. He thought they were just too different to ever get along. That was until a study of dirt collected on Mars revealed that dirt on Mars is actually very similar to dirt found on earth. It was then that Simmons realized that if dirt from different worlds wasn't so different, maybe his neighbor wasn't so different from him. "Me and Marc have been hanging out a lot lately," says Simmons. "We're like the same person. We both like football. We both have kids. I used to treat Marc like dirt, but now because of dirt, he's my best friend."

Guy thinks people care about his mustache.

I used to care about this story, but then I saw that it happened in Saudi Arabia. I'm just going to mail this one in. Some guy fired a gun into the air at a wedding to celebrate. The gunfire hit a power cable. The cable fell and electrocuted a bunch of people and killed them. Just another day in Saudi Arabia.

Another story I used to care about until I saw if happend in another country. Radio host in Bolivia was on air. Masked men came into his studio. They set him on fire. Just another day in Bolivia.

Officer Badass 

Texas police officer still incessantly showing a picture of him that makes him look 'badass'. The picture of officer Charles Smith is not even two days old, but he's already showed it to all his friends, multiple times. "The first time I saw it I thought it was pretty badass, but now I'm sick of it," says a friend of Smith who doesn't want to be identified. "I've seen it like 80 times now. I'm trying to avoid seeing it, but I can't. He's always finding reasons to come over to my house and show it to me." Smith has the picture with him all the time. It's all over his Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Smith didn't have an Instagram before the 'badass' picture of him surfaced and he hadn't sent a tweet in over 6 months. Smith can now be found going to malls with his photo and showing it around. When we asked Smith for a comment, he just showed us the picture. We now understand. Looking good there, Officer Charles 'badass' Smith.

Man drives car into a church. Then beats pastor to death with an electric guitar. That's what really happened in the previous story.

Average Magic player

You're never going to believe this, but this man is accused of beating a man to death. The reason? He wanted his Magic the Gathering card collection. Also, if you ever wanted to know how to play Magic, just read the story. It seems to be written by a Magic enthusiast, who was just using the death as a reason to talk about the game.

It may look like I mailed in this edition of the news, but that's it. That the news.

Marty and The Hurricane: Final Edition

Well, here we are. The final chapter in my Hurricane Sandy coverage. What a journey it's been. We laughed, we cried, I got mad at an Asian guy, that tree I said was going to tip over did come down, but it was cut down. I've watched the video of me covering the 'flooded' streets outside my apartment more than everyone else combined. The people in my building throw terrible parties. I've typed hurricane so many times that I keep leaving he 'e' off. But now it's time to get serious.

If you want to hear about all the damage the hurricane caused, I'm the wrong guy to talk to. Not much happened in my immediate vicinity. I saw nothing that did any real damage. That tree that almost fell and a sign blowing down was the worst I saw. If you want to see some of the havoc it caused, go check out these pictures.

I was going to go out today and get some video. It didn't seem right. That and the only video to get was a bunch of tree branches on the ground and a fence that had been blown on top of a car. Much of the flooding has receded. You can't get to the areas that are still flooded. A video seemed pointless.

You can't see the guy in the carousel sweeping because I suck at taking pictures

I did take a walk around. I started out in Downtown Brooklyn, by my apartment. It was weird walking around. Normally there is so many people and cars. That wasn't the case. Despite the fact there is power, most of the businesses are closed. A few of the local eateries and grocery stores are open. A few people were out and walking about, surveying the damage downed trees had made or going to the stores that were open.

I decided to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. See how things were in Manhattan. The first thing I noticed, while walking across the bridge, is that the carousel that was surrounded by water last night, isn't anymore. You can still see the line of debris that the tide left.

As I crossed over into Manhattan, I realized something about Downtown Brooklyn that I hadn't noticed while I was walking around there. The traffic signals were working. The power was out, and still is out, in much of Lower Manhattan. The volume of traffic wasn't anything near what it normally is, but there were still quite a few cars out. Most of them taxis. Many of the intersections were just free-for-alls, for cars and pedestrians. The busiest intersections did have traffic officers directing traffic. But even those intersections were still up for grabs for whoever wanted to get across them. The only time there seemed to be any order in the way traffic moved, was when a police car, ambulance or firetruck was trying to get through.

There were more people out and walking around in Manhattan then there were in Brooklyn. Walking around in Brooklyn was weird, but Manhattan was eerie. These people were just out and walking around because there was nothing else to do. They weren't walking around to see the damage that had been done. They were out because their power was out. Walking around was all they could do.

Everything was dark. Even the occasional local coffee shop that was open was dark. Their stores were dark, save a few candles, but they were still serving hot coffee. I assume they were running their machines with generators. I saw one street vendor doing his thing and making gyros. He had a line around the block.

The power was out everywhere I went. I walked around most of Lower Manhattan. I went as far north as 23rd Street. Which is actually about where you see the power coming back. Had I kept walking, I would have seen that. (For reference of how far I walked, the Brooklyn Bridge puts you at roughly -15th Street.)

Bus service is slowly starting back up. The subway system is probably going to be down for awhile. Which is a huge blow to the city, and myself. Many of the stations flooded. Several of the lines that travel underwater also flooded. For now, I'm stuck walking around. For some reason, I don't like taking the bus. Even though there is nothing wrong with it.

Walking around made me realize how lucky I was. I didn't even see any of the damage done by the flooding, or the fires up in Queens. Just seeing how much of the city was without power, and may remain so for days, was enough. I never even lost power for a few seconds.

When I crossed back over the bridge, I forgot how lucky I was. Seeing the working street lights and the stores with lights on made me forget. Power makes you forget things.

Sand streak number 1

When I walked back into my apartment, I was reminded once again of how lucky I was. About a foot a part, near my front door, were two streaks of sand. I have no idea how they got there. There are no vents nearby that they could have come from. The streaks were to orderly to have come from my shoes. I don't walk in that area anyways. It's like Sandy was trying to tell me something.

"Hey dumbass, you already forgot how lucky you are. Well, here is my calling card. Maybe next time you won't forget, or be so lucky." That's probably what she was trying to tell me.

Streak 2 was a lot more orderly before I ran my fingers through it to see what it was

Marty and The Hurricane: Eighth Edition

I keep hearing reports of people's power being out. I checked on the website that shows power outages for Con Edison. That's who my power is with. There are pockets where thousands are without power. I know they deliberately shut off the power in one area, so that things wouldn't get ruined.

Around me though, there is nothing. There were like 10 outages reported within 3 miles of me. All of them were just single reports of power being out. No buildings. Probably just a tree taking out a line or something. A few of them had reports of no lights. No lights? Does this mean everything else in the house that takes power is working? Have these people tried the light switches? Or putting in a new bulb?

The hurricane party was quite lame. I left as soon as they started making people wear name tags made out of napkins. It was a terrible party anyways. Hooking up prospects were very limited as well. Hot chicks are hard to come by. Not just in my building, the city in general. I always knew Utah as one of the best places in the country when it came to having hot chicks, but the drop off from Utah to New York is just ridiculous.

I got hit in the eye by a leaf. That's the closest I've come to being injured. I saw a sign blow away. That was pretty cool. That debris in the sidewalk I took a picture of has moved down the sidewalk a little bit. That tree that was about to tip over is still standing, sideways. The owner of the Mustang has pulled their car forward a bit. The tree will no longer fall on their car. The flooding I took video of has subsided.  It stopped raining two hours ago. It never rained more than just a drizzle.

I just went outside, and the rain has picked up. It's raining harder than it has all day. It's still a light rain. Wind is done blowing for the moment. I'm going to get some video of the scene tomorrow.

Marty and The Hurricane: Seventh Edition

The hurricane party got off to a very slow start. I walked around outside and got some exclusive video and pictures of the Downtown Brooklyn area.

In the first picture we have some debris that has fallen from a tree and is lying on the sidewalk.

Here we have a tree bending in the wind. The good news for the owner of this Mustang is that it is falling very slowly. Once it does fall though, the wind will probably just blow it around everywhere. It's probably going to hit some stuff.

Here is some exclusive video of the flooded streets in Downtown Brooklyn.

I'm headed back down to the party. I'll get some footage of that. The cable does appear to be out. A laptop is connected to the TV. 

Marty and The Hurricane: Sixth Edition

I thought I heard some thunder. I looked out the window. It was just this piece of sheet metal flapping around on the roof of another building. Someone should probably take care of that. If it does fly away, the odds of it hitting my windows is extremely low. I'm not going to tell anyone about it.

Still just a very light drizzle. The wind isn't as consistent it was earlier. Occasionally, it completely stops. I thought maybe I was in the eye of the hurricane. That would be stupid. The occasional gusts of wind are the strongest they have been all day. During the gusts is when that piece of metal starts flapping.

That stupid Asian guy who finally cleared off all the stuff from his balcony earlier today, was just on his balcony shining a flashlight around. I saw the light shining on the building, so I went to my window to check it out. He shined his light at me. I think I'm going to go kick that guy's ass after all of this is over. He's pissing me off. I might go do it sooner if I need a flashlight later.

The hurricane party should just be getting started. I'm going to go check it out. If there is any hot chicks, I'm going to see what I can do about making the power go out. Unless something drastic happens soon, we're all going to look like assholes for having a hurricane party.

Marty and The Hurricane: Fifth Edition

Hurricane party at 8pm.

Looks like some people have put together a little hurricane party in the lounge. It's set to start in a little under 2 hours. Last time I was down there, it was billed as a Halloween/hurricane party. I'm not quite certain what happened to the Halloween part. I am glad to see it go though. I don't have a costume.

The hurricane party is a little premature. There is no hurricane like conditions in our area yet. It's just kinda windy, with a light drizzle. I just came from standing in the street for a few minutes. The amount of rain falling is pretty much nothing. The wind does get gusty at times and the traffic signals swing back and forth a little. The party throwers better hope things pick up in the next 2 hours. Otherwise, it's just going to look like we are celebrating all the damage the hurricane has done elsewhere.

If the hurricane is hitting us hard when the party is happening, it will be a big screw you to the hurricane. We'll be telling the hurricane, 'you can't stop us from partying'.

It's a fine line between looking like assholes or showing the hurricane who's boss.

I'm questioning whether or not to go to the party. What if the power goes out during the party? I don't want to have to walk all those flights of stairs to get back to my apartment. Also, I don't know how to get back to my apartment using the stairs. There is two flights of stairs I can take on my floor. Both of them take you to outside of the building. I'm sure those doors are locked from the outside. I don't know what stairs to take to get to my apartment without going outside first. It must be possible. I don't want to take the time to find out though.

On the other hand, all I hear about is how people just start hooking up whenever the power goes out.  If I'm at the party while the power goes out, what a great time to hook up with people. I just need to hang close to the hottest chick at the party. I'm pretty sure you have to hook up with whoever you are closet to when the power goes out.

I think I'll go check out the party and see what the chick situation is like.

Marty and The Hurricane: Fourth Edition

I'd like to be able to say that something has happened. Nothing has. As you can see from the picture, it's not raining. There is just a few drops on the window. They've been there for hours.

Some guy finally moved all his stuff off his balcony. Something that those with balconies, were told to do two days ago. The asshole then had the nerve to wave to me as he moved his stuff. Don't wave at me. Just move your shit.

The wind has picked up considerably, but it wasn't much to start with. I'm still not blown away by the wind speeds.

It's been recommended that I fill my bathtub up. I went ahead and dumped all my Goldfish crackers into the tub. I'm going to need a lot more to fill it up.

I've now realized that they probably meant with water.

I'm going to go downstairs and see how crowded the gym is.

Marty and The News

News, it's in short supply with the hurricane, but I've dug some up.

Natsu upset that he hasn't had sex yet. The man who purchased a Brazilian woman's virginity for $780,000 is upset that it hasn't happened yet. During the bidding process, the 20-year-old Brazilian claimed she could medically prove she is a virgin. However, experts say that they can't definitively prove whether she is a virgin or not. This hubbub over whether she is really a virgin or not, is causing the transaction to not be finished. "I don't really care either way," says Natsu, the winning bidder. "Just let me do my thing."

Winning done right

Preacher and all around crazy man, John McTernan, blames hurricane on Obama, Romney and of course, the gays. Usually when people make crazy statements, they leave a group of people out of it, in hopes that some agree with them. McTernan has found away to single out nearly everybody. Except those weird third party people, but most of them are gay.

Classic

Kindergarten teacher suspended for fake shooting two of her students in Facebook comments. Tameka Gatewood made the comments on Facebook when she became frustrated with two of her students arguing. In the comments, she makes reference to shooting the two students. "Bang! Bang! Shoot 'em up dammit!" She then says, "Just Kidding!!!" The fact that she actually spelled it out instead of just putting 'jk', lets you know that she was really just kidding. I only report on this story so I can put the picture up of one of the parents reacting to the comments.

I clicked on this article because it said Shakespeare had an STD. After reading it, this asshole is just talking about what is in this book that he wrote.

Man, Steven Ford, and his dog, Lola, found in their apartment watching TV with Michaela Beth Ford. Police found the couple and their dog in the apartment after neighbors had complained of strange smell. Police say Michaela has been dead for over 10 days. Steven told the police who entered the apartment, that she isn't dead. Steven was drunk at the time and has now rescinded his comments.

This story makes no sense. I'll break it down. There was this rave. Many of the kids there were intoxicated. Most, if not all, were underage. Police arrived at the scene to deal with the drunk kids. That's when this guy tried to land a helicopter. He couldn't though. There were all these people, drunk kids and police officers, walking around. The landing was aborted. A short while later, the man tries landing the helicopter again. People are still in the area, but he gets the helicopter landed. Police arrest the helicopter pilot and seize the helicopter. That's it. That's the story. No mention as to why this guy was trying to land his helicopter there.

A photo showing an angry hockey fan holding a sign asking if Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner  and Donald Fehr, NHL Player's Union leader, will talk to him, has been circulating around the Internet. The lone NHL fan isn't the only one in the picture. There is a few innocent bystanders in the photo. Those people are upset that it now looks like they care about the NHL lockout. "I didn't even know there was a lockout or that it was hockey season," said one bystander. "I barley know what hockey is. I don't want my friends, my family or America thinking I care about this." Another man in photo has also reacted via Facebook. "Straight up bullshit. I was just leaning against this building drinking a coffee. Now all these people tagging me in this photo. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOCKEY! STOP TAGGING ME!"

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The Hurricane: Third Edition

I'm about to go to bed. I wish there were actual news to report. The wind has picked up a bit. Nothing significant. It would just be moderately annoying if you were outside. There have been a few gusts that would be straight up annoying. No rainfall whatsoever.

Hopefully this thing picks up soon. It sucks having to report on nothing. Unless things pick up, there will be no updates until morning. Assuming the power stays on. Luckily, at this rate, the power will be on forever.

Marty and The Hurricane: Second Edition

No changes. Wind gets a little gusty at times, but it's still just a light breeze. I practiced taking the stairs to see how they worked. They work very similarly to other sets of stairs. The sky is getting darker. It usually gets darker around this time of the day. I don't think the darkness can be attributed to the hurricane. Still no rain, despite them saying it would start Sunday afternoon and we are now in the evening hours.

Marty and The Hurricane: First Edition

As long as I have power, I'll continue with periodic updates.

I'm hijacking the news for my Hurricane Sandy coverage. So far, nothing is happening. The sky is all cloudy. According to the tiny trees on the roof of my building, there is a very slight breeze. No rain.

The buses and subways stop today at 7pm. Which is fine by me. I don't go out much, even when the weather is perfect.

I'm not concerned about the wind. I'm in a little cocoon of buildings. The buildings will take all the hits from flying debris. I'm only worried about stuff flying of the roof of the building across from me. Unless they forgot to take the chairs on the roof inside, I think I'm good. The trees up there are too small to do any damage.

I have some food. My mom seems to think I need to stock up on toilet paper. She is either mistaken about how much I poop, or how long hurricanes last. If I somehow run out of toilet paper during the hurricane, or its aftermath, toilet paper is going to be the least of my problems. I buy the mega rolls, which last me more than a month, and I have at least nine of them. My mom says that isn't enough.

I've charged my iPad, Nexus 7, phone and one of those USB charger things. I'm only worried about the power going out. The phone will still probably be useful if the power goes out, but my tablets will just become flashlights.

If anyone wants to text me, you're going to want to text my 435 number and not the 415 number. If you deleted my 435 number, that's your fault, I told you not to. I need an Internet connection to get texts on the 415 number. If the power goes out, I won't have WiFi and I'm turning the data connection off on my phone to conserve battery. Assuming cell service, doesn't go out, I can still be reached at the 435 number, although it may be slow. If you do try to reach me and I don't reply, just go ahead and assume I died and mourn appropriately.

I'd get into logistics on why I have two numbers and why, under normal circumstances, you should use the 415 number, but no one ever understands.

I'm mostly concerned about the power going out because I'm on the top floor. They call it the penthouse. From what I can tell, it just means I have to wait on the elevator longer than everyone else. Depending on how you count floors, it's could be floor 12-15. If the elevators don't work, I'm not walking down, or up, that many stairs.

Marty and The News

News goes here.

Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

That's it. That's the news.