Like most Americans, the news took the weekend off. It's back at full force. It can be overwhelming. That's why I'm here.
Former political prisoner sets himself on fire. The man with a funny name was once a victim of the former communist regime in Albania. He set himself on fire to prove that people like him need their compensation faster than they are currently receiving it. Albanian officials responded by saying, "This whole setting yourself on fire thing is kind of played out. It was novel the first time someone did it. He's going to have to try something different if he wants our attention."
Jay-Z rides the subway, proving that stars are just like us. There are conflicting reports as to whether or not he took the N train or the R train from Canal Street to Atlantic. If he took the R, it just proves that Jay-Z isn't in touch with the common folk anymore. He'd have to make like eight stops taking the R. The N would only mean one stop. Meanwhile, the Q would actually drop him off slightly closer to the Barclays Center, where he was performing at, but that would also mean two stops. Either way, he's just like us.
Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."
Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.
Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.
Amusement parks say to airports "you're just finding this out now?" Places like Disneyland and Six Flags have know this for years, but airports are discovering that some passengers in wheel chair don't actually need the wheelchair. The are just gaming the system to skip security lines and boarding lines.
The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.
Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."
The world stops spinning for a record 47 seconds when news hits of a Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman break up. The previous record was set a month ago when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up. The world stopped spinning for 26 seconds at that time.
Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.
This is why you don't have two separate wedding parties in one hotel at the same time. The police are going to tase a guy and one guy is going to die. There is some sweet video of the brawl if you click on the link.
Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.
Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.
I don't know why people are surprised every time something like this happens on QVC. Woman faints while selling product, QVC powers through like nothing happened. This isn't news. QVC does this all the time. A guy once fell of a ladder and they acted like it didn't happen.
That's it. That's the news.
 |
| Fat guy |
Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."
Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.
Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.
 |
| Anonymous person sits in a wheelchair |
The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.
Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."
 |
| So sad |
Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.
This is why you don't have two separate wedding parties in one hotel at the same time. The police are going to tase a guy and one guy is going to die. There is some sweet video of the brawl if you click on the link.
Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.
Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.
I don't know why people are surprised every time something like this happens on QVC. Woman faints while selling product, QVC powers through like nothing happened. This isn't news. QVC does this all the time. A guy once fell of a ladder and they acted like it didn't happen.
That's it. That's the news.
No comments:
Post a Comment