Marty and The News

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Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

I hate that other so-called "news organizations" refuse to report on the debates, or election in general.  It's like they don't exist in their minds. You won't see that from me. So before we get to the actual news, an observation from last night's VP debate needs to be addressed. Joe Bidden had two glasses of water sitting next to him. Paul Ryan had at least four. It may have been five. That Martha lady had one. Where the debate lost all credibility, is in the fact that Martha was using a straw.

News time.

Politicians have way too many opinions on rape, according to poll.. "It makes you stop and think where all these views on rape are coming from," said one anonymous poll responder. "Most people's view on rape is that it's bad. These politicians seem to keep adding a 'but' at the end of that statement, when there is no reason to add one to that statement. You had that 'legitimate rape' guy and now we have a 'some girls are rape easy' guy. It makes you wonder. Maybe these politicians are the kind of guys that we're doing all the raping that we always heard about in college."

The fence rocks were thrown over

Man responds to teenagers throwing rocks over his fence by killing one. The unidentified suspect has been putting up with people throwing rocks over his fence for generations. Finally fed up with the constant rock, the suspect and his posse confronted the rock throwing culprits. Things got heated and ended with one teen being shot and killed.

Bryan Cranston, of 'Malcom in the Middle' fame, proves he's just like us. Cranston also uses the Internet. Cranston, who also has a small role in 'Breaking Bad', a show about a high school teacher who starts cooking meth, has revealed that he actually knows how to cook meth. He didn't intend to, but with that statement he also was telling people that he knows how to use the Internet, because that is where people go to learn to cook meth.

Nobel Prizes are still being given out. The Peace Prize was given out the other day to whatever the EU is.  "This is just ridiculous," said Charles Smith. "At least people knew who Obama was when he won. And why do these things last so long? What is this, like day four and they still aren't even half way done. You've got to be kidding me."

Reminder to all whales to pay bookie

Eye of whale who didn't pay his gambling debts, washes up on shore. Ralph Whale's gambling addiction began at a young age. He was always a small-stakes gambler until the day he came across a clown fish named Marlin. "The odds against Marlin were astronomical," says Ralph. "No one believed in him. Everybody was betting against him. After a chance meeting with him, I knew he'd find Nemo. I put everything I owned on it. I think I was the only one betting on Marlin." Ralph won $137 million when Nemo was found. "The day Marlin found Nemo was the worst day of my life." Ralph went from a low-stakes gambler to a high-stakes gambler. He'd bet on anything and bet big. He once bet $2 million on whether or not a shrimp was asleep or dead. Nearly 10 years after his Nemo bet, Ralph has lost it all. He owes bookie sharks over $13 million. Ralph doesn't know how he is going to pay the debt. "They've all ready taken my eye. I've come to grips with the fact that they'll probably take my life. I'm just worried they'll go after my family."

That's it. That's The News.