Marty and The News

News called in sick yesterday. I was all ready to report it, but it never showed up. It will be reprimanded appropriately. As for now, it's back.

Robin Roberts shows up in the news. Millions of Americans ponder about where they know that name from. "I've heard that name," said Charles Smith, a man we found on the street. "Who is she? Why do I know that name? What does she do?" Smith stood on the street for five minutes trying to figure it out. Finally giving up and looking it up on his phone. "Oh, that lady. That's right."

"That lady fat" - Charles Smith

Marya Rosales disappointed to find out she is only one of the fattest women in the world, goes on eating binge. Rosales has been spending her whole life trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Upon reaching 1,100 pounds, she thought she had done it. Unfortunately, her weight just puts her among a handful of other fat woman. Rosales has locked herself in her room and is eating until her goal is reached.

Americans confused as 'Bad News Bears' actress dies at the age of 20. "Really?" Said Charles Smith. "Isn't that movie almost 40 years old?" When it was pointed out to Smith that she acted in 'Bad News Bears,' not 'The Bad News Bears,' Smith became more confused.

Uma Thurman and others to have sex in movie. Usually sex scenes are just simulated in movies, but a new Lars Von Trier film is going to have the actors and actresses actually performing the acts. "Nice," says Charles Smith. Smith's excitement died down when he learned that Shia LaBeouf would be involved in many of the sex scenes. "Oh, never mind."

Airport loses more than just luggage. Edward Rysiewicz has been flying on airplanes for years. He's been very unlucky when it comes to the airlines losing his luggage. "Happens all the time, says Rysiewicz. "It's gotten to the point where I jokingly wave goodbye and say 'see you in three weeks' to my luggage when I check it. Most of the time I don't see it again for three weeks. I feel like the airlines are messing with me, but now they've taken it to far." The airport lost Rysiewicz' daughter, Jeanne, while they were waiting in line to board their plane. Charles Smith declined to comment due to the fact that he has never flown.

Executioners in Texas show they have a sense of humor. When Jonathan Green said 'I never killed anyone,' moments before he was to be put to death by lethal injection, he didn't know he was going to be given the opportunity to kill someone before being put to death. Texas executioners let Green put the lethal needle into his arm. A task that is usually performed by a doctor. "It took him almost 15 attempts to get his vein," said one executioner, "but he got it. Can't claim he hasn't killed anyone now. Can't claim much of anything. Because he's dead." The man then laughed a lot. Charles Smith could not be reached for a comment.

Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt, complains about Apple Maps. "It just keeps messing up," said Schmidt. "It never gets me to where I need to be. I've been late to every metting for like two weeks. Other than that, I enjoy the phone." When we contacted Charles Smith he said, "Why is he using an iPhone? Did you ask him that?" We've tried to contact Schmidt again, but he won't returen our calls or reply to our emails. Other Google employees say Schmidt is still trying to use his phone to figure out where to catch the bus and then he'll get back to us shortly.

Harvard student who can't get into 'Incest-Fest' is devastated.

According to Marlo Thomas, women are dying during mammogram exams.

Tulane University finds that mice can sing. Mice everywhere start forming barber shop quartets. "Better than whatever that music is my son listens to," says Charles Smith.

That's it. That's the news.