Marty and The News

News.

Jerry Sandusky, of sex with teen boys fame, sentenced. Only gets 30-60 years. He also released this stupid statement via Penn State radio. In the statement, he says he's only had a sexual relationship with his wife. Meaning he was just using these boys for sex. There was no relationship.

I was the first to report that the Nobel Awards would be given out yesterday. It turns out they were. At least some of them were. Yesterday's winners had a hard time acting excited, or like they cared at all when they won. Turns out they drag these things on until the 15th of October. Cries of "I just want to leave," can be heard all over Stockholm, where the awards are given. Today's winner said of his award, "I don't even want this thing."

Not a very good Hitler

Greece decides it's been long enough since Holocaust, starts Hitler look-a-like contest. "We just feel like it's been long enough since the Holocaust," says contest organizer. "The Holocaust was over 60 years ago. People barely remember it. The wounds have certainly healed. My only regret about the contest is the we only had one entry this year. He didn't even really look like Hitler. One of his henchmen was wearing a gas mask. Not very Hitleresque. We had to  declare him the winner though. He was the only one. Hopefully we get more next year. It's not going to be hard to beat the current Hitler look-a-like champ."

Taken too soon

Local newspapers shocked to find out the winner of a roach eating contest has a criminal record. The contest was held by a local pet store. Contestants were competing for a free python. Dozens of reporters were on hand to cover the event. Not one of them took a picture of the winner. No one could run the story without a picture of the winner. Readers would want a picture of the champ. One guy suggested that they could check criminal records on the off chance that the winner has a mugshot somewhere. "Yeah right," the other reporters laughed. "This guy wouldn't have a criminal record." Everyone, even the guy who suggested it, was shocked to find out that he in fact does have a criminal record. He also died shortly after consuming the roaches. The pet store is going to name the python in his memory. "His name will live on," says the owner.

Dumbasses on and Facebook react to teacher getting punched in the face (video). Thousands of posters, such as John Conroy from Pittsburgh, chimed in saying that if this teacher had a gun, things would have turned out differently. Those people clearly didn't watch the video. A gun would have done nothing for the teacher. Other's claimed a gun would have. Saying that since the boys he was walking by were black, he should have had the gun out pointing it at them as he walked by.

Taliban teaches people to stop being advocates of educating girls and to stop snitchin. Malala Youfsafzai has been the target of the Taliban for speaking out against atrocities of the Taliban, especially against women. A Taliban gunman got onto a bus that Youfsafzai was on and asked which one of them was Malala. One woman pointed out Malala. The gunman shot Youfsafzai twice, then said, "stop advocatin.". The gunman then shot the finger-pointer once while saying, "stop snitchin." The Taliban has fired the gunman for not being able to kill either one.

Girl killed for making fun of fart.

That's it. That's the news.