Marty and The News: July 8th Edition

News.

Eliot Spitzer trying to make return to politics, Americans learn of existence of comptroller. Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York in 2008, when it was discovered he was sexing some high-price prostitutes. Now, five years later, Americans are learning of the existence of a comptroller. It turns out lots of cities have them. Spitzer is planning to run for New York City's comptroller. It's still not known what exactly the comptroller does, but if they bang high-priced prostitutes, Spitzer is a shoe-in.

Only one death may have occurred from Asiana plance crash in San Francisco. It was first reported that two 16-year-old Chinese girls died in the plane crash. It is now being speculated that one of the girls may have been killed by an emergency vehicle that rushed to the scene. An autopsy is underway to determine the girls cause of death. Frank the airport ambulance driver has refused to comment.

You're Welcome, News Readers

Heidi Klum Instagrams picture of her butt.

'Happy Endings' writer tweets jokes that didn't make the show. Writer Jason Berger shared some jokes on Twitter that didn't make it into the product that aired on TV. At the same time, he also showed why they didn't make it into the show.

Chicago gets to work over the Holiday Weekend. As I first reported last week, homicides in Chicago are down 27% in comparison to last year's numbers at this time. Criminals got to work for the Fourth of July, as nine people were killed over the weekend. The city passed the 200th homicide for the year milestone over weekend, but is still behind last year's stats.

George Zimmerman likely to walk. Says some guy who seems to know what he's talking about.

California may start giving condoms to inmates. Haven't thought that maybe this will open up the flood gates to inmates raping other inmates. A practice that rarely occurs in prisons.

Taco Bell has another drive-thru order returned. This time it's $3,600 in cash instead of shitty tacos.

Tigers tell a man he is too old by killing him. The man was 72 and very feeble. The three tigers took pity on him and his body.

Marty And The News: July 3rd Edition

More news.

Porn Star?

Porn company wants Paula Deen to work for them. Thankfully, they have stipulated that under no circumstances, is she allowed to get naked.

Glenn Greenwald comes back from vacation and makes statement without looking at the news he missed first. It's still unclear as to who Greenwald is, but he somehow made his way on to Fox News. He announced that the world will be shocked by what the NSA is doing. Greenwald admits he has been on vacation for over a month and is not aware of anyone named Edward Snowden.

Ex-Gay Pride Month? The Family Research Council wants to make it so. They are even planning a dinner to help get the month rolling and to promote ex-gay rights. What rights they are fighting for is unclear.

Dennis Rodman unclear on how Nobel Peace Prize works. Because Rodman visited North Korea, he's demanding the Noble Peace Prize.

Not even Tim Tebow could stop Aaron Hernandez. In 2007, Tebow, aka Jesus, tried to break up a fight that Hernandez was involved in, but failed.

Video of man hitting cows having sex is way too long.  

There was no reason for that video to be 57 seconds long. Two seconds to establish that he is driving. Then the cows show up. Then show five seconds after the cows are hit mid-coitus. That's it. That's all we need. 

Man is convicted of sodomizing 14-year-old girl, kills himself. Neighbor regrets that he wasn't more clear with his instructions. When Steve Parsons was sitting on his neighbor's porch and saw a 14-year-old girl riding by on her bike, his words were "I'd tap that ass," according to his neighbor Charles Smith. Smith replied that Parsons should kill himself. Smith intended for Parsons to kill himself right then, not after he sodomized the girl. Smith has apologized to the girl's family for the unclear directions.  

Record number of teens show up for annual street brawl. Over 400 hundred teens turned out for the annual street brawl in Greensboro North Carolina this year. This shatters the previous record of six. Eleven arrests were made. Also shattering the record. Police were shocked by the turnout this year and may try to put a stop to the annual brawl. Christoper Hicks, 17, has been participating in the brawl for three years and was upset by the massive turnout this year. "You're ruining it for us diehards. Stop it," says Hicks. 

Police arrest man for filming them and shoot his dog. There is video. I suggest you don't watch it though.

Marty And The News: July 2nd Edition

News took a few months off. Now news is happening again and I'm here to talk about it.

Little Snupe hanging out with a Gary Payton impersonator

Millions are shocked to learn about the existenece of a rapper named Little Snupe. Just as many are disappointed that he is in no way related to Snoop Dogg. A few are sad to hear that Little Snupe was killed.

WikiLeaks releases statement made by Edward Snowden. People on Twitter claim the statement isn't from Snowden because of syntax that is unusual for an American. Many of the Tweets are also written in a weird syntax for an American. No one is American anymore because of syntax.

Cirque Du Soleil patrons not as excited as they thought they would be. Cirque Du Soleil is similar to NASCAR in that many patrons go in hopes that the worse will happen. The worst happened in a performance of "Ka"when performer Sarah Guyard-Guillot fell 50 feet to her death. Witness Charles  Smith had this to say. "I've been to dozens of Cirque Du Soleil performances. I'm not proud, but every time I secretly hope something goes wrong. When she initially slipped, I got excited. This was it. This is what I've been waiting for. But then I was like, God no, this is terrible. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be at all."

Despite earlier reports, toxicology screening finds that rapper Kriss Kross died from drug overdose. It was initially believed that Kross died from too much jumping around.

Chicago not keeping pace with 2012. Both homicides and shootings are down by at least 25% when compared to the numbers this time last year. Police are concerned that many gang members aren't going to reach their quota this year.

Not gay

Boy, 4, still on the run after shooting sister, 6, in the face. The 4-year-old boy was apparently upset that his sister got a bigger slice of pie than him. The kid's grandfather says the boy wrestled away his .38 caliber pistol from him before fatally shooting his sister in the face. The boy then turned the gun on his grandfather and threatened to shoot if he tried to stop him from leaving. Police are still searching for the 4-year-old.

Hugh Jackman says he isn't gay, again. No one asked. He just hasn't been in the news for a while, so he just thought he'd let everyone know that he's still around and still not gay. He's flattered though.

Hideous guy

Some guy is upset that he looks hideous. Takes it out on people that are saying Aaron Hernandez is hot.

NFL is worried that spike in Aaron Hernandez jersey sales may result in more players killing people. Before being charged with murder, Hernandez  jerseys didn't sell very well. But now, Hernandez jerseys have become collectors items. In some cases, doubling in value and it's believed they will increase in value even further. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has expressed concern that players who don't have great jersey sales may follow in Hernandez's footsteps.