Marty and The News

News.

Some guys says minimum wage should be $21.72. Charles Smith of Hays, Kansas has released a statement on what he believes minimum wage should be. Experts have looked at Smith's proposal and at first glance, concluded that the $21.72 appears to be an arbitrary number. After closer examination of Smith's expenses, it has been determined that the $21.72 number was reached because that would be the amount Smith would have to make to lead a comfortable life. He would be able to pay his mortgage every month, child support, his monthly bills and still have enough left over to go to the bar every night and a movie once a week. Experts are still trying to determine who Charles Smith is.

He won't be running in jail

Olympic hero will have to roll around in jail. Oscar Pistorius, of double-amputee-running-around-a-track fame, has been charged with the murder of his girlfriend. Despite winning nothing in the Olympics, Pistorius was heralded as a hero and on TV all the time for making it to the Olympics. The odds were stacked against him to make the Olympics. He has perfectly engineered prosthetic legs that allow him to run with perfect form. Most experts agree that the prosthetics legs give him an unfair advantage and allow him to run faster than he would with people legs. Despite the heavy odds, Pistorius still made it to the Olympics. If found guilty, Pistorius won't be able to wear the prosthetics in jail. Instead he will have to roll around.

Warren Buffett mistakingly buys entire Heinz company, only wanted one bottle. Buffett was on a conference call with his investment partners when his maid came into the room. She wanted to make sure she had all the correct items on the list for Buffett's barbecue next week. Buffett checked over the list and nodded approvingly. As she was on her way out of the room, Buffett called out to her, forgetting that he was still on the conference call, "buy Heinz." As a result, Buffett and his partners have purchased the entire Heinz company for $23.3 billion. Buffett's maid also purchased a $3 bottle of Heinz ketchup. It's rumored that Buffett will be given a $3 discount on the purchase of the company.

Based on sales, horse meat is not that good. It's been discovered that horses intended to be killed for their meat, have only been selling for $50 to $100 each. The delicious cow, on the other hand, sells at much higher price.

New Chernobyl disaster is worse than 1986 mishap, according to Chernobyl spokesman. Chernobyl is most notably known for the worst nuclear accident in world history. That stigma may now shift to a new disaster. A section of roof at Chernobyl has collapsed due to the weight of the snow. No injuries or deaths occurred as a result of the collapse. Authorities are still calling it the worst disaster in the history of the nuclear power plant.

Cruise ship reminds Americans that Alabama isn't an entirely landlocked state. A Carnival cruise ship will be docking in Mobile, Alabama after suffering a fire to one of it's engines. Many are shocked of the news. "I always thought Alabama was in the middle of the country, nowhere near the ocean," said Charles Smith.

People relax as it's discovered that 9-year-old mom is really 12 or 13. "I was worried about a girl that age raising a child," says Charles Smith. "But now with this discovery I can breathe a sigh of relief. A 12 or 13-year-old child will be able to give her child a normal upbringing."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Pope to quit being the Pope at the end of the month. Pope Benedict XVI claims to be stepping down due to health concerns. Critics say this is the Catholic Church trying to prove that the Pope actually does stuff. The Pope has been under fire for hundreds of years. People say that he doesn't do anything. He's just a guy who steps out on a balcony every once and awhile and has his own car. Critics claim this is just the church trying to prove the Pope does have responsibilities. That's why he has to step down due to health issues. He can no longer carry out his responsibilities, due to his poor health. Despite him stepping down, it's still not clear as to whether or not the Pope does anything.


Annual Kumbh Mela stampede in India leaves 37 dead. The Kumbh Mela festival, also known as the Pitcher Festival, is one of the biggest religious festivals in the world. Dozens die every year in the festivals annual stampede. The stampede has been compared to the Running of the Bulls in Spain, except without the bulls. Festival organizers say they may discontinue the stampede for future festivals.

Ellen, lover of boobs.

Ellen looks at Katy Perry's boobs. Everyone forgets that Ellen is a lesbian for a brief moment and freaks out.

Old truck

Woman gets new truck. Other than the fact that it was a vehicle resembling a truck, LAPD shot up a truck that looked nothing like the one they were looking for. Inside the truck, was a mother and daughter who were delivering newspapers. The LAPD has vowed to rectify this situation by giving the women a new truck. Some are saying this is a slippery slope. The LAPD is always just shooting vehicles up and asking questions later. Millions of people in the market for a new vehicle have flocked to LA in hopes of getting a new one.

The White family is suing Disneyland for racial discrimination. Razzi White, a 5-year-old boy, was excited when he saw Donald Duck. It's confusing because the White family is black. Just try to remember that. The young White boy, who is black, started saying Donald Duck's name and opened his arms wide. The black White boy was hoping for a hug from the Disney character. Instead, Donald Duck snubbed White and went to hug a white baby in a stroller. The baby's race was white. He didn't go to hug the youngest child of the White family, who is black. The lawyer of the White family has confirmed that they are suing Disneyland. He claims that Donald Duck didn't hug White because he was black.

Teachers no longer able to do funny things in class. There used to be a time when a teacher could put pencil shavings in a sleeping student's mouth with impunity. That just isn't the case anymore.

Death of very large crocodile is mourned in Philippines. Lolong was the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity. An autopsy is being performed to determine the cause of death. Villagers from all across the country showed up to pay their respects to the large croc. Lolong is responsible for the death of dozens of villagers throughout it's life. None of those deaths were ever mourned to the extent that the crocodile's death was.

That's it. That's the news.