Marty and The News: Special Edition

NFL trying to reach out to a new demographic for Super Bowl XLVII.

It's hard to dispute football being the countries sport of choice. However, there is one group in America that has showed little to no interest in the sport. Pun lovers. "We test well in almost every demographic out there," says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "One area we've always struggled with is with pun lovers. We're ready to try again."

This is the first time the NFL has tried reaching out to the pun community in four years. When the Arizona Cardinals faced the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009 for the NFC Championship, the league tried to bill the game as 'unbirdable'. The pun flopped. Not only with pun lovers, but with people who don't know what a pun is.

HarBowl I

For the first time since the 'unbirdable' tragedy, the NFL is once again making an effort to reach out to pun lovers. The coaches of the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens are brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. "We feel good about this year," says Goodell. "We think this is the year we finally are able to bring in the pun community."

The game is being touted as the HarBowl. Charles Smith, President of the Pun Lovers Community of America, says, "We're listening, but after 2009, we're cautious."

When asked whether or not he thinks it will be difficult to retain the pun lovers after this year's HarBowl, Goodell said 'without a doubt.'

"We can't expect this great community to stick around after just one great pun, no matter how good it is," says Goodell. "The best case scenario would be for these two teams to face off again in the Super Bowl next year. We could retain pun lovers by calling it the HarBowl II. We're also slowly losing the Roman Numeral lovers demographic. There are just too many Roman Numerals after Super Bowl now. It's too hard for people to keep track. Even for Roman Numeral lovers. No one actually knows what number we are on. I think we are somewhere between 30 and 60. It would be nice to be able to start over with the Roman Numerals and call it HarBowl II next year. Hopefully there are more Harbaugh brothers that coach, or they have kids that coach. Something. Our pun team just isn't very good. I don't think they can ever come up with a pun of this caliber again. This one kind of fell in their lap, and sadly, wasn't their first choice. They actually wanted to go with Bowl of Brothers. I'm extremely worried about losing the pun demographic for good after this year."

Marty and The News

News, again.

These are being credited for a big win in basketball

New trend shows that boobs are still popular.

Note left in girls bathroom stall.

Navy still trying to shake the perceived stigma of being weak, not helping themselves. When it comes to branches of the Military, the Navy is almost always near the bottom (the Air Force dropped below them from 2008-2010 when pirates were cool for a while). A big part of the stigma is out of the Navy's control. The other branches are just that cool. At times, the Navy doesn't help themselves. This is one of those times. A Naval ship is stuck on some coral reef in the Philippines. Nice job, Navy.

Woman who had been growing for 34 straight years finally stops, by dying.

Two groups of girls competing to see who's the baddest. Group one attacked a mother who was putting her child on the school bus. They refer to it as 'mobbing' or 'popping'. Group two gets cabs, chokes the driver and robs them. Experts say group two is the baddest, right now. "Group two has done this more than once," says baddest expert Charles Smith. "They are also getting money out of their badassery. Group one is on the rise though. Rumor is, they have more plans in the work and they are younger. In the end, not getting money for your badassery may prove to be the baddest. This should be a good one."

Seymour passed shortly after this photo was captured

Donkey in Botswana tries to stop Google Street View car. When word leaked last month that the Google Street View car would be coming through their neighborhood, donkeys in Botswana began plotting to stop it. "Ppphhhh," said one donkey. Expert donkey translator Charles Smith translates. The donkeys didn't want the road that leads to their community being on the Internet. A neighboring donkey community had the Google Street View car photograph their road last year. People just started driving on it, for no apparent reason. They were just driving on it because the road was on the Internet and must be famous. Things became dangerous for that donkey community. They didn't want that to happen in their town. Where are the young donkeys supposed to safely play with hundred of cars zooming by daily? Seymour the donkey was elected by the town to go and try negotiate with the driver of the Google car. The driver wanted none of it. Seymour was shot in the head before the Google Street View car drove off, capturing one final image of Seymour the donkey. Seymour is survived by his two kids, Penelope the donkey, 4, Chaz the donkey, 9, and his wife, Laura the donkey.

Dog kills man in Florida, police kill dog in Colorado and stop dog uprising. When a man in Florida was killed by a dog driving a van, police in Colorado feared the dog uprising was nigh. James Campbell, 68, had exited his van to open  the gate to his house, when a dog jumped into the car and pressed the accelerator. The man was killed instantly. As a precaution, police in Colorado entered the home of  Jeff Fisher and shot his dog three times. Dog uprising expert Charles Smith suspects the officers in Colorado helped keep the dog uprising at bay. "There is no doubt in my mind that had those officers not killed that dog in Colorado," says Smith, "we'd have a huge problem on our hands. Those officers showed dogs everywhere that we aren't going to put up with their bullshit."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty And The News

Skipped yesterdays news. The only thing that happened was that Obama said some stuff.

News now.

Millions with cancer return to believing they will never accomplish anything in life. Oprah has confirmed that Lance Armstrong confesses to doping in the two part interview that airs later this week. Armstrong won the Tour de France 7 times after being diagnosed with testicular cancer and losing a testicle. Armstrong gave hope to millions of cancer patients. Everyone believed Armstrong's win came about through hard work and dedication. Even though, it was widely believed everyone else was doping. Word of Armstrong's confession has devastated many. Charles Smith was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. Armstrong was his inspiration. "When I learned of my cancer, I was devastated," says Smith. "I thought my life was over. Then I remembered Lance. I wanted to be like him. I started training for the big tri-county bike race this summer. But now, I know I can't do it. The man's a fraud. What the hell is the point?"

Greatest of all-time

Hard to believe that it's been 5 years since Heath 'The Legend' Ledger died. You'll always be in our hearts. Celebrate his life on January 22nd.

Lady steals train, crashes into apartment building. Say what you want about terrorists, but at least when they hi-jack things, they have taken the time to learn how to operate them.

May throw in the towel

The ESPN anchor with the weird eye has revealed that his cancer has returned, doesn't know if he can fight it this time. Stuart Scott has been fighting cancer since 2007. Despite undergoing chemotherapy treatment in 2008 and 2011, Scott didn't let it get in the way of his on-air responsibilities. Scott isn't so sure he can do it again. "I had Lance Armstrong to look up to before," says Scott. "That really motivated me. Now I have no one. I just don't believe I can do it anymore. What the hell is the point?"

Football player doesn't understand why cops want to talk to him. Kenny Britt dropped his friend off at the hospital after his friend had been stabbed at a party. Britt immediately returned to the party. Police are now wanting Britt to come in for questioning. "What the hell they want to talk to me for?" Said Britt. "I ain't the fool who almost ruined the party."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty And The News

News here.

Obama will make former Presidents look unchristian like during inauguration. It's customary for the President to put their hand on the bible when taking the oath of office. Obama is bucking that trend this year. He will be putting his hand on not one, but two bibles stacked together. He will be using a bible once owned by Abraham Lincoln and another bible that once belonged to Martin Luther King Jr. Experts argue over which bible will be the top and which will be the bottom. Vegas odds show that Lincoln has a 2:1 advantage on being the bottom.

Man looking at his penis

Prostate cancer may make penis larger. Several men who have undergone prostate cancer treatment have complained that the procedure has made their penis shrink. Most say that it has made their penis a centimeter shorter. Although complaints have been made of shrinkage of up to an inch and a half. Doctor Charles Smith has a possible explanation. "It's entirely possible that prostate cancer makes the penis larger," says Doctor Smith. "None of these men's penises were measured before the procedure. Prostate cancer may be making their penises larger, but they don't notice. They just assume that their penis has always been that size. They only notice the decrease in penis size. Prostate cancer may be the answer to a larger penis that men everywhere have been looking for."

Kate Middleton gets portrait made. Just doing my duty as a newsman and reporting on this.

Junior Seau receives diagnosis eight months too late. Researchers have found that Seau sufferers from a debilitating brain disease. Many believe the disease was caused by thousands of hits to his head during his football career. When Doctor Charles Smith tried to reach Seau with the news, he was unable to get ahold of him. "I need to get him this information quickly," says Doctor Smith. "If this brain damage goes untreated, the results could be catastrophic." Smith is unaware that Seau shot himself in the chest eight months ago.

When it comes to the 2016 Presidential campaign, Paul Ryan has 'decided not to decide' and thousands of news outlets have decided to talk about him deciding nothing.

That Honda Fit fits in the door. Ha!

Man pays for pizza and new front door. Newspaper also thinks it's funny that he drove a Honda Fit through the door.

Man in Australia fails to prove his friends wrong. Friends of Lance Farley were razing him the other day for buying a boat. "You don't know how to drive a boat, dumbass," said one friend. "Don't try to drive it on land!" Exclaimed another, proving that Farley and his friends aren't the funniest people. Farley took his boat out on Thursday in an attempt to show his friends that he could drive his new boat. Video of Lance Farley driving his boat can be see below.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Like a real American, news took some time off for Christmas. Now it's back. I'm also back to report on it.

Some guy says we are crippling our future. Despite never being in a movie, TV show, band, or sports team, Paul Krugman had the following to say about the economy: "we are crippling our future as well as our present by failing to do what is needed to deal with the short run." Krugman's only credential is that he is a Nobel Prize-winning economist.

Shut up Paul

Big Coffee pays for study. A new study shows that soda drinking can be a factor in depression. The same study also shows a link between drinking coffee and lowering depression. Big Soda is rumored to be working on a study of their own that would link coffee drinking to AIDs.

Woman tries to kill husband, so that her and her son can further their 'unnatural relationship.' It's cool though, because her son is adopted. The mother and son can frequently be seen at a local night club playing grab ass. Looks like the only place she'll being playing ass grab at anymore, is at the big house night club (prison).

Husband supports his wife who is accused of having sex with a student. The husband of the teacher says it is all a misunderstanding. She 'is too overcaring,' he said. Which may be true. The student she is accused of sleeping with, was ridiculed just 2 days earlier for being a virgin. 

Keith Ratliff, avid gun enthusiast, dies doing what he loved. Ratliff is the producer of a popular YouTube channel about guns. He once tweeted, "I went to the movies with my pistol in my pocket the whole time I was praying that somebody would try to pull a Batman!" Ratliff was found dead in his home with a single gun shot to the head. The incident is believed to be a homicide. Multiple guns were found at the scene.

Ned Wertimer, white

White guy from 'The Jeffersons' dies. 

After plans fall through, man goes to work. The Pennsylvania man had planned on being dead and thought he wouldn't have to go to work. Despite his best efforts, the man just couldn't die. The man first tried jumping out of the car while traveling down the interstate. The suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Thirty minutes later, the man jumped in front of a semi truck  He lost his shoes, but not his life. Defeated, the man collected his shoes and walked to work.  

That's it. That's the news.