Marty and The News

News. It's a dying medium. It's struggling to happen at the same rate that it used to. One man is here to try and revive it. That man is me.

What failure looks like

Girl in India tries to break human hairball record. "When I heard about that kid in Chicago who had that hairball removed," says Maharaja Yeshwantrao, "I was all like I can beat that." Yeshwantrao didn't beat it. She didn't even come close. "Four pounds is all I could do. I had trouble eating and drinking at that point. He got 10 pounds. My hat is off to him." It should be noted that Yeshwantrao can't afford a hat.

 

Female doctor in Kentucky proves that females know nothing about the male penis. Michael Nash, 61, went to the hospital to get a simple penile implant and a circumcision. He left with frostbite on his penis. The frostbite led to gangrene. Which led to a five inch section of Nash's penis to be removed. Nash claims the frostbite occurred when a female doctor applied ice to his groin for "too damn long." When asked which section of his penis they removed, Nash said, "The middle section." When pushed as to why he was getting the penile implant and circumcision, Nash left the room.

Elephant assisted drunkenness

Man blames his DUI arrest on elephant. When Samuel Phipps was arrested for his 7th DUI, he had a good reason this time. It was the elephant's fault. "I only wanted to have on drink," Phipps said. "I had to drive home. But Larry, this elephant from the zoo, wouldn't let me leave. Every time I'd get up from the bar, Larry would go crazy until I sat back down at the bar. One time he grabbed me with his trunk and lifted me high up in the air. He forced me to drink alcohol from his trunk as well. He'd dip his trunk in the beer, then put his trunk in my mouth." Phipps doesn't have insurance.

Hoarder finds new way to get rid of clutter in his home. An intervention had been held and the man, who lives with his mom, was ready to start getting rid of the many items inside his house. A large dumpster was already set up outside the house and social workers were on their way to help remove items. That's when the man devised a better way to get rid of all the things he had accumulated throughout the years. Burn the house down. Unfortunately, the man became trapped inside the house by his belongings after setting the fire. His mother was able to escape the house after receiving sever burns on her body. One firefighter on the scene was heard saying, "he really should have started the fire from outside the house."

Number of births in the United States falls again. That makes it four years in a row. "Someone out there is lying," says Doctor Robert Jones of the Mayo Clinic. "Based on our numbers, people have been having sex at record rates recently. Birth control has been on the decline though. The low number of births we are seeing just doesn't add up. So either people are covering up births, or people like Chuck from accounting are lying about how much sex they are having." Chuck declined to comment.

That's it. That's the news.