August 26th Edition

United Nations vehicle severely injured by sniper-shot in Syria. The "sniper" has been fired for only being able to hit the vehicle. The UN vehicle is still in the shop. It's not known if the Toyota 4Runner will ever be able to drive again. Charles Smith, the vehicle's normal driver, says he is very sad. "I've come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be used again for official UN business," says Smith, "but it's still hard. I just hope that one day, he'll be able to drive again and not be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of it's life." Charles Smith meant to say tow-truck.

Former pretty good basketball player is missing, probably on drugs after finding out he didn't marry the good Kardashian. Family of the former Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Los Angles Laker and Dallas Mavericks player, Lamar Odom, say he finally realized he is married to Khloe Kardashian and not Kim Kardashian. According to his family, no one has contacted him for 72 hours and he is probably on a drug binge fueled by his depression of realizing he married the 'wrong one.' Odom had believed he'd been married to Kim for nearly four years before finding out he married Khloe.

Liz Cheney gets Wyoming in the news with her incendiary comment, rest of state nods in agreement. Cheney was in Wyoming campaigning for Senate when asked about terrorists. “I do think that we know that recruitment goes on through mosques," answered Cheney. Everyone at the rally nodded their head in agreement and uttered under their breath, "yeah, that sounds about right." Despite not hearing what Cheney had said, everyone else in the state nodded their head at that exact moment.

Group of black people wait two hours to get wings, get table, white guy feels threatened. According to Michael Brown, he and 24 of his friends and family waited "patiently" for 2 hours just to get a seat at Wild Wing Cafe. The large group was gathered to see off one of their friends who was moving out of town. When the large group was seated, a white patron of the cafe told his waiter that he felt "threatened." The white gentleman had been seen eating exorbitant amounts of wings earlier in the night. He reportedly felt threatened because the large group of people would probably slow down service to his table. A manager approached the large group to tell them of their threatening ways. A video camera was pulled out and the large group of people were removed from the restaurant for some reason. They reportedly took their party to the Sizzler across the street. 

Did the peanut butter dog thing

Journalist tries to make it sound like preschool teacher took sexually explicit pictures of her students, was just her own kids and dog. Connie Ramirez, a preschool teacher in Ohio, has been charged with rape, gross sexual imposition, pandering obscenity involving a minor, and possession of criminal tools after investigators found sexually explicit images of her two children and dog. None of the pictures involve her two children and dog. She kept the dog sex stuff separate from the kid sex stuff. The preschool says she was never alone with any of the children while working there. There is no evidence, as of yet, that any of the children at the preschool are involved. This journalist just prints the facts. I don't try to make the lady sound like some kind of monster like David Lohr tried to make her sound.

Guns don't kill people, people in China with knives do. A man killed four and wounded 11 in a bus stabbing attack. The man is now the most successful knife stabber in China in recent months. The man barely bested last week's bus attack where a man killed three and wounded 12. Buses aren't the only dangerous place in China either. Last month a man killed two and injured four at the office when he was accused of violating China's one-child policy. 

Lady claims "stuttering has no ill effect on preschoolers." She says she did a study on it and found that stuttering had no effect on their social, language, or emotional development skills. She admittedly didn't add the part where they are ridiculed mercilessly by their peers into her study.

Sunday Edition

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying  away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it. 

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

August 23rd Edition

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months.  The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.


Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

August 21st Edition

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

That's it. That's The News.

August 19th Edition

Guy says he is going to publish secrets about Britain. Glenn Greenwald is the journalist who first published the secrets that Edward Snowden leaked. Greenwald is a little upset that Snowden has been getting all the press for those leaks. But what really riled him up, was that authorities in Britain asked his partner, David Miranda, questions for 9 hours. "No one asks my man questions that long, but me," said Greenwald. Greenwald says Britain will be sorry for asking his partner questions, but it appears the only secrets he has are about how most people there freely toss around the C-word and a list of people who regularly brush their teeth.

Lawyers for Oscar Pistorius tell him to lose the blades. Pistorius was in court earlier today to be indicted for murder. This was the first time his defense team got a good look at how the prosecution is going to pursue the case. Lawyers for Pistorius are scared this thing is over. They've decided the only shot they have is to heavily play up the sympathy angle. "It's the only choice we have," said his head lawyer Charles Smith. "They have a good case against him. When I first approached Oscar about the sympathy angle, he was reluctant. He asked if he could just wear some shorts that show that he is walking around on blades. I had to inform him that we can't have people using the word blades so much in a murder trial. You also can't wear shorts in a court room. I finally talked him into taking of the blades and using a wheelchair. If we can somehow convince the jury that Oscar is incapable of walking around in his condition, we may have a chance."

Chris Christie signs gay conversion therapy ban, but only for teens. On the surface, this looks like a good thing for Christie to do. But the ban only covers people under 18. The ban does nothing to protect those over 18 from being converted to straighthood.

One way to keep an erection.

Fork found in man's penis, claims he slipped and fell. A 70-year-old man was rushed to the hospital after getting a fork in his penis. The man stands by his story of slipping on some grease in the kitchen and falling on a fork. The man's girlfriend tells another story. "He had some trouble maintaing an erection while we were copulating," says Berta Rose. "I told him not to, but he insisted the fork would keep him erect."

Train driver in India hits and kills 37, attacked by mob who also sets train on fire, passenger misses important business meeting. Charles Smith was on his way to a very important business meeting. The meeting was likely to yield his company millions of dollars in contracts. Smith's company lost out on the contracts and he is now jobless.

12-year-old girl attacked by bear in latest bear-pocalypse attack. That makes 7 bear attacks since Thursday. Officials are reminding people to play dead when being attacked by a bear. Do not try to stop the bear attack by petting it, as this girl did before finally playing dead. No one died in the recent bear attacks. Bear experts say the bears are probably just practicing before they release a full-fledged bear-pocalypse.

That's it. That's the news.

Sunday Edition

Journalists are angering Egyptian Government, come under attack. The government is complaining that their coverage is bias. One journalist has already been hit in the head with a really long stick. This journalist says, 'bring it on, bitches."

Ice swan

Chris Christie reportedly doesn't want Rand Paul at his party. When asked why, Christie said, "Oh, we don't have room." Paul responded with, "The party is big enough for both of us." Party goers say Christie was correct in saying the party didn't have room. One man describes the scene. "The invitations said the party starts at 8pm," says party participant Charles Smith. "Most everyone was there a little before 8. Some trickled in 5 to 10 minutes late, but by 8:15, there was literally no more room. No one else could fit in there. It wasn't that Christie didn't want certain people in. The room was just too packed. So when Rand Paul strolled up at 9:02, like some kind of big shot, he just wouldn't have physically fit inside that room. It was nothing against the man personally. If he had shown up on time, Christie would have welcomed him with open arms. Had the ice sculpture swan been taken out, there might have been enough room for Rand, but that swam was cool. It was all anybody talked about. There is no way it was being taken out."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoes .50 caliber rifle ban, would "only interfere with lawful recreational pastimes." Christie says he vetoed the ban because a .50 caliber rifle has never been used criminally in the state of New Jersey. The ban "will not further public safety," says Christie. Christie pointed to the fact that every single weapon people used in crimes is already in use by criminals to support his veto. Criminals will never bring a new weapon into their arsenal, he claimed. Criminals in New Jersey signed a 'no new weapons' treaty in 2007. The treaty states that if a weapon hadn't been used for criminal activity prior to 2007, criminals could not adopt such a weapon for future crimes.

Fearing he'll never have another hit song again, Robin Thicke sues Marvin Gaye's family, vows to ride 'Blurred Lines' gravy train out to the end and not let the Gaye's derail it. All Gaye's family did was state that 'Blurred Lines' sounds similar to Marvin's song 'Got To Give It Up.' Thicke feels that his song is under attack and has decided to sue the Gaye family. The only thing Thicke is looking for from this lawsuit is for the Gaye family to say the two songs don't sound similar, which they do. He also wants to make sure the family can't come after him for copyright infringement. Something the Gaye family hasn't done yet and is not planning on doing. As of now, they have just stated the songs sound similar and Thicke freaked the fuck out. We'll have more as this develops.

This map can't be real

Map reveals that New York City's wealth is not distributed evenly across the city as previously thought. Conventional wisdom has said that everyone in New York City has roughly the same amount of money. Nickolay Lamm has turned that conventional wisdom upside down with his new map of the city. In his map, Lamm shows how high buildings would be if they represented how much money the people who live in that area make. The maps results are very shocking. It turns out that some New Yorkers just aren't as rich as others.

Racy Commercial

Woman takes picture of her TV screen, writes blog. "The GMA segment went to commercial," the woman wrote. "And then, wham. Confusion. Disbelief. Did that just flash on my TV screen? In front of 8-year-old Andy?!" I cannot ever be okay with naked people having sex in the middle of ‘Good Morning America.’" The woman went on to say she is ok with clothed people having sex during 'Good Morning America,' or naked people having sex when 'Good Morning America' is over. She is also very concerned about Andy, despite not having any kids named Andy. Her kids are Rebecca and Dale.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker isn't black enough. Or something like the. It was hard to read. Apparently, the way he says 'B' has something to do with how black he is. 

British police don't like Kate Middleton, start looking into whether or not Diana is really dead. Not liking how Middleton does things, police are looking further into Diana's 1997 death in hopes that it was an elaborate hoax. "We need a princess that knows what she is doing," said one officer under anonymity. "Kate is just stupid. Diana was great."

Germany to offer new gender option. The days of only selecting Male or Female on your birth certificate are over. Parents in Germany can now select 'blank' while filling out a birth certificate. The move was made because many parents were taking too long to select a gender when filling out their new child's birth certificate. German Doctor Charles Smith weighed in. "Some of these people were just wasting hospital resources. They were taking too long to fill out these birth certificates. They would be in the hospital room longer than necessary and be served meals during that time. One couple stared at that birth certificate for two days before finally selecting female. That was after we showed them the child's penis several times."

Dog that was mistaken for African Lion

Zoo in China discovers their African Lion is really just a dog. The zoo discovered their mistake when the "lion" started barking. This isn't the first time the Chinese zoo has made this mistake. What they thought were snakes, were really just rodents. They've mistaken a white fox for a leopard. And at one time, thought a common dog was a wolf. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” said one zoo visitor. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Zoo officials claim they aren't trying to cheat anyone. They just got confused and made a mistake.

That's It. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.


Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."


Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.

Marty and The News: August 14th Edition

Egypt in a one-month state of emergency. With all the protests going on and deaths, the Government of Egypt had decided to declare a state of emergency for a whole month because they don't see it letting up soon. As of this report, 149 people have died. That number is expected to rise. By declaring a state of emergency, the Government has made it so someone has to be on the phone with 911 at all times. That's pretty much all a state of emergency means.

Pentagon to start giving benefits to gay spouses of Military people. All you have to do is show that you have a valid marriage certificate. If you are in a state where gay marriage isn't allowed, they will grant you leave so that you can go to a state where it is and get married. Straight people are not able to do that. The Pentagon claims this is because there are no states where you can't straight marry.

Two former bankers caught up in 'whale' scandal. Javier Martin-Artajo and Julien Grout used to work at JPMorgan Chase, but now they are facing charges for being involved in the "London Whale"scandal. This whole thing is very disappointing. Actual whales have no involvement in this scandal. It's just a bunch of money stuff. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

Successful couples enjoy each other. That's it. That's the number one secret for highly successful couples. What this means, is that if you are in a relationship with someone that you don't particularly enjoy, odds are, it isn't going to last. 

The ugly one is Susan Olsen

Susan Olsen turns 52, got ugly. Perhaps you know her better as Cindy Brady, of Brady Bunch fame. Actually, no perhaps. Of course you know her better as Cindy Brady. Celebrate by looking at a picture of how she has became the ugliest of the Brady women. 

Woman drives car. Apparently she was asleep and texting while driving. But her driving is impressive with or without her bing asleep. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Which is very uncommon. Normally when a woman is driving, numerous people are harmed.

Pregnant model wears 'lingerie' while a lady watching makes a stupid face

Pregnant models wear lingerie at fashion show, lady watching makes stupid face. Despite the models wearing what appears to just be Plain Jane bras and underoos, the show's producers decided to bill the show as models wearing lingerie. 

Rush Limbaugh calls Oprah fat, still wants to have sex with her. Limbaugh claims Oprah was told she couldn't afford a handbag because she is overweight. He could then be heard drooling and talking about 'that sweet ass.'

People who make drones want us to stop calling them drones. The drone industry made their request clear at the last drone industry convention. Drone manufactuers would like people to start calling them, "flying things that go real fast, crash into things and kill people, but not the pilot because the pilot is thousands of miles away using a controller to fly," or "The VROOOOOMMM!!! Kill Machine."

Football player, Robert Griffin III, wants gay players to just say they are gay so he knows for sure. Friends of RG3 say he is trying to avoid last year's embarrassment where he walked up to an unnamed, presumably gay player, and propositioned him for a romp in the shower room. It was widely believed that this player was 'super gay'. RG3 was shocked and dismayed to learn this was not the case.

Texas man tells wife "this will always be the happiest moment of my life" right after she gives birth, fears he might not be able to live up to this, kills himself.  The man shot himself in his wife's hospital room 3 1/2 hours after she gave birth. The baby was not present at the time. People in the hospital waiting room say he seemed 'extremely happy' following the birth, but also seemed very distraught. The man was reportedly talking to himself, saying things like "I'm really happy right now, but is this really going to be the happiest I will ever be?" The man shot himself shortly after this altercation with himself. The time his wife gave birth was the happiest moment of his life. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 12th Edition

Joe Biden going to Iowa in September to get some steak fries. Apparently this means he might run for President in 2016. Or perhaps he is just not aware of bottomless steak fries at Red Robin.

Kris Jenner mad at Barack Obama, also unaware daughter got famous for having sex with Ray J. Jenner, of marrying Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and mom of Kim Kardashian fame, has her own talk show. Which is news in its self. Jenner used her show to yell at Obama for being critical of Kardashian's and Kanye West's 'over-the-top lifestyle.' Jenner said that Kardashian "is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got." Omitting the most important part of Kardashian's fame. Having sex on tape with Ray J. Also her butt.

Man shoots 9-year-old son and then himself at YWCA. Both died as a result of the gun shots. Why the two males were at a YWCA and not a YMCA is not clear. 

Lefty post surgery and missing a leg

Dog takes bullet for owner. Lefty the Pit Bull wasn't doing her job when she let four intruders enter her home. The intruders stole some stuff. When the owner of the home confronted the men, he was met with a gun. When fired at, Lefty sprang into action and took the bullet for her owner. Lefty lived and people on Facebook paid for her surgery. Lefty is now walking around just fine with three legs. 

U.S. Postal Service wants to deliver alcohol. That's pretty much the whole story. They think it will help them make money.  

Lesbian looking lady

Lesbian looking lady doesn't have sex for 12 years, writes book. Sophie Fontanel claims she was celibate by choice and that being so, made her happier. Friends of Fontanel say that it was because no one would have sex with her and that it wasn't from lack of trying. They also say she was a 'miserable bitch' to be around during those 12 years.

Oprah can't buy handbag in Zurich, even though she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' When Oprah asked to see the $42,000 handbag, she was told it was too expensive. Oprah was shocked because, even though she wasn't wearing her eye lashes, she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' What 'full Oprah Winfrey gear' means is beyond everyone.  

Black baseball player has banana thrown at him. Baltimore Orioles player Adam Jones claims that a fan threw a banana at him while playing center field. Most say the act was racist. Jones called the guy a jackass on Twitter. What hasn't been mentioned is that Jones suffers from Hypokalemia, a low-level of potassium. Bananas are known for their potassium. While bananas are a good source of potassium, Jones would have been better served had the fan thrown a potato, tomato, or clam. All of which are better sources of potassium than bananas and aren't as racist.

Elephants on their way to break some shit

Elephant herd in India destroys town after one of their own is hit and killed by train. Days after the elephant was struck by a train and killed, the elephant's friends and family returned to the site. At first they appeared to just be mourning the fellow elephant's death. They have now taken to destroying houses and a school. 

Spain forgets to put elevator in new 47-story building. The original plans for the building called for it to only have 20 floors. Builders decided to make it 47 instead. When they changed the plans, they forgot to make room for an elevator shaft. The building will be used for apartments. There is like 269, or something like that. Many of which have already been sold to people in other countries. No word yet on what they are going to do about the lack of an elevator. 

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News: August 8th Edition

Sean Hannity bumped for hot chick. Rumor has it, Megyn Kelly will be moving from her daytime spot to Hannity's primetime spot. No word yet on what will happen with Hannity's show. Most TV pundits say the move is being made because Kelly is hotter than Hannity. It's reminiscent of Alan Colmes being asked to leave the show he used to be on with Hannity because he is 'off-putting.' When asked if he had heard the rumor, Hannity said, "Who? That bitch that can't spell Megyn?"

Cory Monteith was hanging out with sober friends when he died. The Glee star was loaded with a combination of alcohol and heroin when he died, but the three friends he was with were completely sober. The three friends he was with that night are described as 'positive influences' in his life. Had those positive influences not been around, Monteith likely would have taken more drugs that night. Luckily, his 'good' friends were around to tell him that he'd had enough. He died 20 minutes later.

Bowser once danced as a ManiAAC.

Man suspected of killing four is former Dallas Mavericks ManiAACs dancer, also has last name of Mario Brothers villain. Erbie Bowser is suspected of killing four people, at two different locations. Family of Bowser say he was looking for his girlfriend at both locations. He didn't find her, so he shot people instead. Along with four people being killed, four were injured. Those numbers are consistent with the man's namesake from Mario Brothers. Bowser only kills about 50% of the time and leaves people injured the other 50%. Law experts say his last name could hurt him if this goes to trial. "People already associate Bowser with evil," says lawyer Charles Smith. "The defense team is going to have a hard time with that." There are no winners in a case like this, but that didn't stop Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban from saying there is. "No one knew the ManiAACs even existed before this," said Cuban. "This is great."

Man 'probably will' be dumped after killing girlfriend's son. Peter Hendy is accused of killing 4-year-old Kamari Zavon Taylor. Hendy reportedly disciplined Taylor for riding his scooter too far away from the house by punching him in the stomach several times. The boy's liver was lacerated from the punches and led to his death. Hendy left the house to sell marijuana and came back to find the boy dead. The boy's mom, and Hendy's girlfriend, was at work at the time of the incident. The boy's grandma, Azlea Taylor, says she hopes her daughter will dump Hendy this time. Azlea has wanted her daughther to dump Hendy for some time. She doesn't know for sure that she will this time, but says 'she probably will.'

Florida police use Taser to shoot and kill 18-year-old. Israel Hernandez-Llach was spray painting an abandoned fast-food joint when police spotted him. No word yet on which fast-food joint it used to be. It was probably a Subway. Subways are always going out of business. Police say Hernandez-Llach started running towards them, so an officer shot him in the chest with a Taser. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Friends of Hernandez-Llach say he was from Columbia and liked art.

Youth baseball coach convicted of assault and sent to jail for 15 days for being a terrible pitcher. When parents of teenagers in Ellis County, Texas began to notice that their children were returning from baseball practice with several bruises, they grew suspicious. Some of the parents began spying on the practices. What they found was a terrible pitcher. Coach Ron Santos repeatedly hit his players with pitches. The pitches ranged in speeds of 60-80 MPH. After each bad pitch, Santos looked distraught. He was heard yelling at himself after hitting one player in the chest with a pitch."Come on Santos! Get it together! You're better than this shit!" Along with jail time, Santos must pay a fine, be under community supervision and produce a video on the dangers of being hit by a pitch. He is also not allowed to pitch to anyone for a full year. Which isn't going to make him a better pitcher.

Only two Wizard of Oz munchkins left. Margaret Pellegrini is the latest Munchkin to die. The original Wizard of Oz had 124 Munchkins. Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini are the only two Munchkins left. Vegas has Duccini outliving Maren at 8-1 odds.



That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 7th Edition

Barack Obama cancels playdate with Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders had planned on doing some fishing and playing with those Russian dolls. Obama says he cancelled the playdate because Putin won't tell him where Edward Snowden is. Obama and Snowden have been playing hide and seek since May. Putin has also said that playing dolls 'is gay.' He said he'd shoot Obama 'in the face' if he tried to play 'with gay ass dolls.'  Obama is going to Sweden instead. Sweden doesn't know where Snowden is, but they do have some pretty sweet dolls.

Chris Brown, 'tired of being famous for a mistake,' quits music in hopes of beating women in anonymity. Brown says he'll release his next album, 'X', and then he'll quit music for good. Brown rose to fame because of his singing and dancing skills. He made headlines when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. He thinks he became famous because of hitting Rihanna. What Brown doesn't realize, is that if he wasn't already famous, no one would know about him beating the shit out of women. He'd just be a regular guy that never makes headlines and beats women. That's what Brown wants. He's sick of being a famous woman beater, so he's quitting the thing that made him famous in hopes that he can became a regular-woman-beater.

Tea Party is up to some shit again, say some Republicans. Republicans think they have a good chance to take control of the Senate, but the Tea Party zealots are ruining it, or something like that. Wasn't that Chris Brown story crazy?

Cabella

Man blows up dog because his ex 'put the devil in it,' won't face animal cruelty charges. Christopher W. Dillingham attached an explosive device around the dog's neck and detonated it. It's not known if he got the devil out of the dog, but he did get dog parts all over the yard. He also woke up all of his neighbors. One law enforcement official said he wasn't charged with animal cruelty because the dog died instantaneously. He has been charged with reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device. Prosecutors say he still could be charged with animal cruelty.



Michael Phelps to write book, 'Everyone Pees In The Pool.' In an attempt to ride the success of the book, 'Everyone Poops,' Phelps is writing his own confessional book. 'Everyone Poops' was written by Taro Gomi in an attempt to make his pooping look normal. In the book, Gomi claims that everyone else poops too. Phelps recently admitted to peeing in the pool all the time and hopes the book will make it seem normal.

Willis out, Ford in, Stallone hardest working man in showbiz. Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis 'greedy and lazy' after kicking him out of Expendables 3. Willis appeared in the first two films. Stallone was excited to announce that Harrison Ford will be in the next installment of the Expendables. Proving that everyone in the movie really is expendable.

Photo man took before going back for wife

Magnetic polarity of the sun to flip. It does this every 11 years or so and no one know what it means or why it happens. "Maybe it just gets bored," says guy who goes outside a lot.

Man saves dog from sinking boat, takes picture, then goes back to save wife.





That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 6th Edition

George W. Bush goes to the hospital. Just a blocked artery in his heart. No big deal. We won't be attacking any countries because of this, probably.

Anderson Cooper gets 'new show'. CNN is excited to announce that Cooper is now going to be doing two completely different shows on their network. Cooper will still have his show 'AC360'. After that show is over, something else will come on for an hour and then Cooper's new show, 'AC360 Later,' will come on. TWO. COMPLETElY. DIFFERENT. SHOWS. CNN is aware that it looks like the same show, just with a one hour break, but they have repeatedly said that this is not the same show.

Two dudes

Watergate guys asked what they think about Washington Post sale. The guy who made Amazon (the website, not the rainforest), Jeff Bezos is now the owner of the Washington Post. For some reason, famed Watergate reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, were asked for their opinion on the sale. They didn't really say anything interesting. They both just said they were sad that the family who owned the paper forever no longer owned it. Then they said that they think Bezos is going to do a really good job. Nothing interesting.

Mark Wahlberg tells Justin Bieber to stop smoking weed. Bieber fires back and tells Wahlberg to stop wearing around that fake penis he wore in Boogie Nights. Wahlberg wants to put Bieber in a movie about basketball. There isn't really a story here.

Two dudes, one girl, same guy

After 3 months, guy decides that he isn't 'transgender after all.' Don Ennis is an ABC News Editor and has been living his life as woman since May. Ennis, who had been going by Dawn since his change, claims he suffered a two day amnesia. When he came out of it, he realized he was no longer a woman. In an email to his colleagues, Ennis said, “I accused my wife of playing some kind of cruel joke, dressing me up in a wig and bra and making fake ID’s with the name ‘Dawn’ on it." Ennis realized it wasn't a joke when he saw his breasts. He developed the breasts by being a little pudgy and by taking female hormones. Ennis says his memories have returned, but his identity as Dawn did not return. “I am writing to let you know I’m changing my name . . . to Don Ennis. That will be my name again, now and forever. And it appears I’m not transgender after all."

2-year-old kid is best man at his parents wedding, dies two days later, I read the story and decided my first thoughts on the story makes me an asshole.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 5th Edition

No-name baseball players accept suspensions. Twelve Major League Baseball players have accepted 50 game suspensions for associating with some guy. They didn't actually fail any drug tests. Despite the long list of names, no one knows who these players are. Unless you are in one of those fantasy baseball leagues that has way too many teams and are forced to have scrubs on your team. The list just proves that steroids don't actually make you that much better at baseball. Alex Rodriguez, who was already good at baseball, is rumored to be facing a suspension as well, but he is fighting it. Steroid use in baseball appears to just make good players better at avoiding suspensions than mediocre players.

*Update*
Alex Rodriguez has now been banned for the rest of this season and all of next. He should have taken more 'suspension delaying' steroids.

Study finds stupidest group of people in America. You can be the best test taker in the world or know Pi to 6 decimal places, but if you can't remember where you put your keys, you're stupid. For this reason, it's often assumed that old people are the stupidest in the world. But a new study shows that it's women who are the stupidest people. The stupidest group of women are those between the ages of 18 and 34 and live on the East coast. 

Dancing fool Billy C

Bill Clinton answers a bunch of questions. Tells everyone to not worry about yesterday, embrace tomorrow. He wasn't so clear on what to do with today. He did mention that he's "gotten a lot of good advice and wishes he'd taken more of it." Perhaps that advice was about what to do with today.

Chris Christie wins hottest politician poll. He also wins for fattest politician. No poll was held to determine that. He was just given the prize for fattest. 

Author of 'Jaws' makes a list of words to try and help sell 40th anniversary copies of the book. He says the list of words are alternative titles for the book. He considered all of them before going with Jaws. But after close examination of the list, of almost 200 alternative book titles, it appears to just be a list of words. Many of which are loosely related to sharks and shark activity, but most are just words. One alternative title is just " ". Suggesting that he was willing to call the book anything. 

Danny Bonaduce: "It was totally embarrassing to be famous and homeless." Bonaduce mistakenly gave this quote while appearing on 'Oprah: Where Are They Now?' He has since revised his quote to, "It was, and still is, totally embarrassing to be me, homeless or not."

Burned body of a woman found in Detroit, Fire Chief sounds stupid. This is Detroit's third burned body in 8 days. Some think they have a serial body burner on their hands. Fire Chief Jack Wiley isn't so sure. “It’s a young lady, I think, I’m not sure. All I could see was the leg and it looked like the leg of a lady than more of a man. So, I’m not sure yet.” He also doesn't want people to jump so quickly to murder. “I’m not sure because like I said, it’s still a crime scene and I couldn’t get all the way in there to see, but they did just let me see where the fire was.”

Anthony Weiner dick pic recipient films porno. Not only was she the lucky, original recipient of a picture of Weiner's junk, Sydney Leathers was lucky enough to shoot a porn scene. 

50 Cent tries to get back into the news Chris Brown style, forgets to get famous girlfriend first. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her. 

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied. 

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 1st Edition

Larry Summers hates women. Summers appears to be the prospective nominee for the Federal Reserve Chair. Summers has come under fire for sexist remarks he has said in the past. The biggest red flag of Summers' sexism is the fact that he won't step back and let a woman have the Federal Reserve Chair. Women first, Larry.

Cleveland kidnapper, Ariel Castro, apologizes, poorly, for kidnapping people. "I'm not a monster," said Castro, in front of a packed courtroom. "A lot of harmony (was) going on." Castro went on to say that he is not a violent person. He says he never beat or tortured any of the women. While not all of the sex was consensual, he claims that most of it was. "I simply kept them there without them being able to leave." Castro was also hurt to learn that his home has been torn down. "I had so many beautiful memories there with Amanda." Amanda, one of his victims, says there was no beautiful memories. Castro also admitted to being addicted to porn. It's not known why he admitted to this. It didn't help his case whatsoever. He was sentenced to life in prison. And just in case he outlives his life, 1,000 more years were tacked on.

New hair, same boobs

Sofia Vergara changes hair color, keeps big boobs. Fashion experts are split as to whether or not the hair change was a good or bad move, but they all agree that she did the right thing by keeping the boobs the same. "No one is really looking at her hair anyways," says fashion expert Charles Smith, "so the change doesn't really matter."

In an unexpected twist, Glee writes the Finn Hudson character off of the show. Finn has been a fan favorite ever since the first episode of Glee. The decision to remove him from the show has taken many off guard. "I didn't see this coming," says Glee fan Charles Smith. "Finn was my favorite character and everyone I know loved him. He was a great singer. He seemed so integral to the show. I don't understand why they would just write him off." Glee fans have started a Facebook page urging Glee writers to 'Bring Back Finn.' Finn was played by actor Cory Monteith. Monteith died last month from a drug overdose. Producers of Glee would not confirm, but it's speculated that the actor's death led to him being written off the show.

Former MTV VJ tries to sell books. Kennedy, who hasn't been on TV for nearly 20 years, is claiming that she almost had sex with Michael Jordan once. Jordan, who hasn't played basketball for a decade, is now known for being one of the worst owners in sports and once sporting a Hitler 'stache. It appears that 'I almost had sex with this person' is the new 'I did cocaine while I was on the Brady Bunch'.

New Zealand power companies funnier than other country's power companies. Clive Saleman was worried when he received a letter saying that his power would be turned off if he didn't stop using so much. Saleman then noticed that the letter wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to the streetlight in front of his home. It's not known why streetlights in New Zealand have their own address. This is where the comedy starts. Saleman went to the streetlight in question and knocked on the door. No one was home to collect the mail. The power company says they are happy to hear that no one is living in the streetlight, because it would be "quite draughty." Ha Ha! Whatever draughty means.

Vladimir Putin's plan to get free dildos is working. It was once suggested the Putin's militant, anti-gay agenda was just a ploy for him to get dildos sent to him. No one took the dildo strategy seriously, but it now appears there may be some truth to it. A Facebook group called "Send a Dildo To Vladimir Putin" has sprung up, urging people to send dildos, used or new, to Putin. It hasn't been confirmed that this is what Putin wanted all along, but someone said that they once heard Putin say 'once I get six or seven dildos, I'll lighten up on the gays.'

'Rent is too damn high' guy endorses Weiner. Pundits are calling this the most embarrassing gaffe of Anthony Weiner's campaign.

Funny beard guy and Weiner

That's it. That's the news.