Marty and The News

Insert news here.

Teen girl is embarrassed at not being able to work her cell phone. A 13-year-old girl in Utah was asked by her boyfriend, Daniel Dean Divine, to send him nude pictures. Divine is 35-years-old and lives in Oregon. Having just gotten her iPhone, the girl wasn't quite sure how the camera worked. She asked her mom to take the nude pictures. Her mom quickly agreed to taking the nude pictures of her daughter. She then taught her daughter how to send a picture message. Everybody goes to jail.

In an attempt to show his gang fellow gang members that they don't need guns to efficiently kill people, a man sets four people on fire and fails to kill anyone. The gang member sprayed a flammable liquid on 4 individuals, before setting them ablaze in a Denver home. One person suffered severe burns, but is expected to make a full recovery. The other three had very minor injuries. It's believed the gang shot their fellow member in the face for his failure. 

Circus elephants in Russia try to drink themselves to death. Not wanting to live anymore, the elephants somehow get their hands on some vodka. It didn't work. Circus trainers actually say the vodka kept them alive. It got so cold that they say the elephants would have died without the vodka.

Google makes it harder to search for porn, men everywhere are bewildered that people are still using Google to find porn. If you try searching for 'boobs' on Google, none of the results will be porn. If you want porn, just add 'porn' to your search. "I haven't used Google to find porn in 10 years," says Charles Smith. "I just know where I'm going."

Man furious at wife for cooking frozen pizza wrong can't find his gun. What started out as a normal night of watching the '12-12-12' benefit concert, almost turned deadly over 'raw' crust. Richard Watson flung his plate to the ground while watching Kanye West. His wife thought it was because he hates Kanye, but he then he berated his wife for the crust not being cooked enough. Richard then left the room. "He was opening all kinds of drawers," says Debra. "He was yelling things like, 'where is it' and 'where did I put it." Debra doesn't quite know what happened next. She just remembers her face being pushed into the dog's water bowl. Debra was able to break free. Richard then tried to push her up against a wall and strangle her. Richard was unsuccessful. When police arrived, Richard asked if he could borrow one of their guns. When they said no, he asked them to help him find his. Richard was taken to jail. Debra suffered minor bruising.  

Penelope, a pig.

Embarrassed by family car, a pig takes it and wrecks it. Penelope is the 300 pound pet of the Thrasher family. She's also a potbellied pig. The family car is a Nissan Cube. Penelope is embarrassed to be seen it. Penelope took the car for a joy ride with the intention of wrecking it. Police found the wrecked vehicle and a sleeping Penelope in the backseat. The car appears to be totaled. 

Mom loves pig just as much as her 'human children'. "We have human kids," Wendy Thrasher says, "I love her (pig) every bit as much as the human ones. Same story as the last one. I just correctly separated it into two separate stories.  

Mitt Romney is costume.

Mitt Romney robs bank in Virginia while wearing a Mitt Romney mask. The same bank was robbed two years earlier by Hillary Clinton wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Jimmy Carter backs marijuana legalization. Carter claims he is calling for legalization because imprisonment for possession is out of control. Friends of Carter say he started smoking pot a few weeks ago and is also deathly afraid of prison.

Not royalty

Pippa Middleton wants everyone to know that she is still around. Pippa is not royal in anyway and is also not pregnant. She did write a book though, that no one is buying. She aslo said something about her 'bum'.

For the second time this week, a 'famous musician' dies. On Sunday, it was Jenni Rivera. Today it's Ravi Shankar. In both cases, no one had any idea these people existed until they died.

Teacher in France is suspended for having students write his suicide note. The teacher's name hasn't been released, but he's French, so we'll call him Pierre Gusteau. Gusteau didn't have much to live for and now he has almost nothing now that he's been suspended from his teaching job. Gusteau hadn't fully committed to suicide, but he was far enough along that he felt he should write a note just in case. He tried several drafts, but each time he was disappointed with the result. That's when Gusteau got the idea of having his student's write his suicided note. His plan was to have the student's write a pretend suicide note, or real one if that's how they felt. He would then pick the best one, or bits and pieces from each, for his perfect suicide note. The students completed the assignment, but school officials were able to intervene before Gusteau picked a 'winning' note. Before officials contacted him, Gusteau had only graded one note. Next to Gusteau's grade for the paper are the words, "not precise enough." School officials suspended Gusteau for his actions and released this statement explaining the suspension.

What Pierre Gusteau has done is inexcusable. We can't have our teachers using students to write their own suicide note, unless proper credit is given to the student or student's who really wrote it. It's called plagiarism. And we just won't stand for it. After questioning Mr. Gusteau, we have determined that he had every intention on plagiarizing from his students. We take plagiarism very seriously. We had no choice but to suspend Mr. Gusteau.

The house Ronald Reagan lived in while he was a child, is being torn down. For some reason, people care.

McKenna Pope, cu*t?

According to one Hasbro executive, 13-year-old McKenna Pope "is a cu*t." Pope tried to buy an Easy-Bake-Oven for her little brother, but she found that they only come in pink and purple. She wanted to change this, so she started a petition. She's collected more than 30,000 signatures on the petition. Although, it's believed that her parents collected 29,000 of the 30,000. The petition asks for Hasbro to make the Easy-Bake-Oven in gender neutral colors. Hasbro has agreed to meet with Pope to discuss the issue. We were able to reach one Hasbro executive and he has agreed to comment under the condition of anonymity. "I was supposed to go home at three today, but thanks to this whiny little brat, I have to go to this stupid meeting. The Easy-Bake-Oven is pink or purple because those are the colors that sell. We've tried all kinds of colors. They don't sell. We sold a blue one once. We sold two, worldwide. Now because of this entitled little girl, we have to discuss this again. We already know the answer. Other colors don't sell. She's the one with the problem. She's assigning colors gender. We're a business. Bottom line is, we make the colors that sell. We're not making other colors that don't sell because some little girl says they aren't gender neutral enough for her. She's a cu*t."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here we go. It's news time. Start reading now.

Woman claims she was singled out by TSA, blames hairstyle. When Dana Oliver was singled out for a random search airport security, she had no one to blame but herself. "It had to be the hair," said Oliver.  During the pat down, Oliver claims that the gentlemen performing the search squeezed her butt. She also blamed the squeeze on the hair. Never once did she acknowledge that maybe the guy performing the search thought that she was attractive and that her booty was fly and used his positon to have her pulled out of line.

Before PSY was pretending to ride horses, he was telling America that they suck. In quite possibly the worst YouTube video of all time (the video being bad has nothing to do with PSY being in it, just watch it if you want to see why), South Korean rapper PSY is seen holding a tank over his head and throwing it to the ground. Not a full size tank. He then smashes it to pieces. It's a pretty generic looking tank. Nothing innately American looking about it. Could just be an anti-tank/war song, but since most Americans think we are the only ones with tanks, it's an American tank. One of the lyrics in the song is, "kill those f--king Yankees." No one is giving PSY the benefit of a doubt with that lyric. Even though it's a well known fact that his is a Red Sox fan.

Homeless people prove that they want to be homeless. Despite an effort to make more homeless shelters available to the homeless, the homeless rate hasn't moved. Charles Smith had this to say. "I know this guy that got sent to one of those homeless shelters. He just waited until they thought he was asleep and then climbed out the window. He was back at his bridge in a few hours. Most of these homeless guys want to be homeless."

Miley Cyrus being Pink in black

No one pays attention to Miley Cyrus as she slowly turns into Pink.

South Africa rethinks their hospital policy. It's standard procedure to not admit people into South African hospitals that are still able to speak. Lawmakers in South Africa may change this policy after what happened to Nelson Mandela. Mandela, 94, has been in quite poor health for a while now. His family and friends have been trying to get him into a hospital for a few months. The only problem was the Mandela was still able to speak. Mandela stopped speaking the other day and was finally admitted to the hospital. Some say it's all a rouse and that he can still speak. He's just using his postion to be admitted into the hospital. Friends of Mandela say it's a miracle that he stopped speaking. "If he were still speaking," says friend of Mandela, "he'd be dead." 

Kiam Moriya to turn 12. Moriya thinks it's a big deal that he is turning 12 because he was born on December 12, 2000 at 12:12 p.m.  That would mean he's turning 12 on 12/12/12 at 12:12 p.m. Moriya's teacher says he thinks he's hot shit because of it. "He used to be the biggest loser in the class. Last month he started telling everyone about how his birthday was going to be all 12s. The kids all thought this was cool. It's not cool. I plan on teaching the kids about Military time on December 13th. To show him and the class that his birthday isn't really all 12s. Then it will be back to spit-wads and wedgies for Kiam. That kid sucks and his name is stupid."

Irresponsible toddler leaves lets go of dog's leash to splash around in a puddle. Davis Lange, 3, was walking his dog, Rufus, when they duo came across a puddle. Lange dropped the dog's leash and started splashing in the puddle. Police have issued the toddler a ticket. "I know the boy is only 3, but we can't let this kind of thing go unpunished. What he did is just irresponsible. Dog owners need to have their dogs on a leash and be holding that leash at all times when out in public. For the safety of the dog and everyone in the vicinity. The dog did just stand there and watch the boy play in the puddle, but who's to say that'll be the case next time."

What do you think? Do you think the police made the right decision? Watch the video and leave a comment.

Boy doesn't get the toy he wanted for his birthday, donates all the presents he did get in hopes that someone will get him the presents he wanted as a reward for his generosity. Chase Branscum, 12, got hundreds of presents for his birthday, but not one of them was what he really wanted. In an act of generosity, Branscum donated everything he received to Toys for Tots. "I have toys," says Bransum. "I don't have a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy, but I have toys. Those kids deserve to have toys to play with. I just know those kids are going to have so much fun with the toys. The toys will bring them so much joy. The same kind of joy I'd get from a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy."

Monkey in puffy coat shops at IKEA. It's not known what the monkey was looking for. Despite IKEA having everything, the monkey left the store with nothing. He looked quite perturbed and frantic as he left the store.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here is news.

The Royal Balding

World is shocked to learn that Kate Middleton is pregnant and one newspapers editor is fired for using a non-royal related pun. Middleton, of 'being married to that balding Prince' fame, was taken to the hospital for acute morning sickness. It was announced that she was pregnant shortly after her hospital visit. The pregnancy has quickly been dubbed the Royal Pregnancy. Middleton's bout with acute morning sickness has been dubbed the Royal Morning Sickness. Although one small town newspaper's editor went with the headline, 'Acute Morning Sickness, More Like A-Cute Morning Sickness'. He was appropriately fired and thrown out of the country. In the hospital, Middleton had to be given water and nutrients. That has become known as the Royal Supplementation or Royal Hydration. Most were shocked to learn of the pregnancy, because there hasn't been any reports of Royal Sexual Intercourse ever taking place.

Supreme Court still has nothing to about same-sex marriage. In public, that is. Behind closed doors, same-sex marriage is all they talk about and do. They are always same-sex marrying people and each other. Stephen Breyer has been married to Thurgood Marshall for about a year. Same with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor. Clarence Thomas was engaged to Anthony Kennedy and Antonin Scalia and John Paul Stephens had been dating for nearly six years, but then Scalia cheated with Thomas. Both Kennedy and Stephens have sworn off dating because of the incident. Scalia and Thomas are set to be wed next month. The only straight one out of the bunch is Samuel Alito. He doesn't date either though, because his heart was also broken. He's loved Ginsburg for years. He even tried to stop the wedding of Ginsburg and Sotomayor during the ceremony. I think I got all of them.

Slow year for celebrity sex tapes as Octomom is nominated for 'Best Celebrity sex tape'.

Homeless guy thinks this is worth milions

Homeless man doesn't understand how the Internet works. Jeffrey Hillman has been homeless for for than 10 years. When a police officer spotted him on the street a few weeks ago, he noticed Hillman was barefoot. The officer went to a shoe store and bought Hillman a $100 pair of boots. Hillman refuses to wear the boots, because he says he would be killed for them. He says he has them hidden somewhere. A photo of the officer giving the boots to Hillman was taken. The photo was posted online and has gone viral. "I was put on YouTube," Hillman said. "I was put on everything without permission. What do I get? This went around the world, and I want a piece of the pie." What he doesn't realize is that the boots he was given are worth roughly 10,000 times more than the amount of money that was generated by the photo being on the Internet. Those 600,000 likes on Facebook aren't worth anything. He was also never put on YouTube, unless you count news stories. He also shouldn't know what YouTube is. He was homeless when it became a thing.

That's it. That's the news.