Marty and The News

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Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

That's it. That's the news.