Marty and The News

While you were watching the debates last night, or avoiding people talking about the debates, actual news was happening. Luckily, I was there to catch it.

You guys, the day we've been waiting for has happened. It's been rumored for quite a few months that this tape existed. Now we have the tape. The Hulk Hogan sex tape we've all wanted to see is real. It's 30 minutes long. Go here to see a 1 minute clip of all the best parts, or you can skip past the video and read a synopsis of the video. Needless to say, don't go there if you are at work, or a normal person. But if you like hearing Hulk Hogan talk about how he feels like a pig because he just ate so much AND seeing his penis, click away.

Hillary taking it all in

Christina Aguilera wins George McGovern Leadership Award. Aguilera did nothing to win the award. Hillary Clinton, who hosted the awards, has always wanted to meet Aguilera and has never gotten the opportunity. "I've admired her for years," says the former first lady. "The voice, the breasts... she has it all. I took this opportunity to take it all in."

Chris Brown hits his girlfriend to pursue Rihanna. The spat Brown and Rihanna got into that resulted in Brown striking Rihanna is well documented. It's also well documented that the two have been spotted canoodling as of late. Word on the street is that the two are getting back together. There was one stumbling block to this happening. Brown was dating Karrueche Tran. So to pursue Rihanna, he got out of that relationship the only way he knows how. "I didn't want to be an asshole and date the two women at the same time," says Brown. "I'm too much of a man to play two women like that, so I broke things off with Karrueche by punching her in the face." Friends of Brown say that's the only way he knows how to breakup with someone.

Snooki and her large head

Pictures of Snooki, with no makeup on, leak. Experts say the leaked photos will be damaging to the career of Snooki. "The pictures are grotesque," says Jim Richards, a big Hollywood expert guy. "Their is no doubt that Snooki's PR team is working hard to try and clean this mess up and sweep it under the rug." Snooki claims she leaked the pictures on her Instagram account. "Can't be true," says Richards. "Releasing those pictures would be career suicide. Someone released them without her knowledge." Richards ended the interview to throw up.

Boxer Orlando Cruz keeps the streak alive. Gay men coming out of the closet is nothing new, but Cruz almost made history when he come out of the closet. When rumors started to circulate last week that Cruz was going to announce that he is a 'content gay man,' the gay community feared that their streak may be in jeopardy. In the history of gay men coming out, not one has come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' In the end, Cruz came out as a 'proud gay man' at a press conference earlier today. When asked about the rumors Cruz said, "I'm ashamed that even happened. I was just having a rough day. I never intended to come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' The 'content gay man' comment was something I said out of frustration. I regret that I put the gay community through this ordeal."

Austin, Texas has the reputation of being a little island of Texas. A liberal island surrounded by conservative waters. Today, students at the University of Texas at Austin took it upon themselves to show that this just isn't true. They threw balloons filled with bleach at African-American students. Jamilah Beene, a black gentleman, said of the attack, "It's sad this happened and that it appears racism is behind the attack. They were actually really nice about it though. That's the thing about Austin. People here are really nice. Before the balloons started being thrown they said, 'hey you guys, we're going to start throwing these balloons at you because you are black. Oh, and they are filled with bleach.' They didn't start throwing the balloons until they after they let us know what was going on. So that was cool."

Boston Red Sox finally fire Bobby Valentine. Talk of Valentine's firing began even before he was hired to be the teams manager. Throughout the season, all talk involving the Red Sox centered around why Valentine hadn't been fired yet. Now that the season is over, Valentine has finally been fired. "We meant to fire Bobby clear back in May," said Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington. "We had done all the paperwork and everything. Then we lost the paperwork. We looked everywhere for it. We could have filled out different paperwork, but you have to get all these signatures and the signatures we needed were already on the paperwork we lost. It would have been too much of a hassle to get all those signatures again. Our season is over now, so I was cleaning up my office today and the paperwork showed up. And now Bobby is no longer working with the Red Sox. I never gave up looking for those papers. Persistance pays."

That's it. That's the news.