Marty and The News

Back to the regularly scheduled news.

Dirt is becoming the new Match.com

Scientist now views his neighbor in a new light because of dirt. Scientist, Steve Simmons, used to hate his neighbor Marc. He thought they were just too different to ever get along. That was until a study of dirt collected on Mars revealed that dirt on Mars is actually very similar to dirt found on earth. It was then that Simmons realized that if dirt from different worlds wasn't so different, maybe his neighbor wasn't so different from him. "Me and Marc have been hanging out a lot lately," says Simmons. "We're like the same person. We both like football. We both have kids. I used to treat Marc like dirt, but now because of dirt, he's my best friend."

Guy thinks people care about his mustache.

I used to care about this story, but then I saw that it happened in Saudi Arabia. I'm just going to mail this one in. Some guy fired a gun into the air at a wedding to celebrate. The gunfire hit a power cable. The cable fell and electrocuted a bunch of people and killed them. Just another day in Saudi Arabia.

Another story I used to care about until I saw if happend in another country. Radio host in Bolivia was on air. Masked men came into his studio. They set him on fire. Just another day in Bolivia.

Officer Badass 

Texas police officer still incessantly showing a picture of him that makes him look 'badass'. The picture of officer Charles Smith is not even two days old, but he's already showed it to all his friends, multiple times. "The first time I saw it I thought it was pretty badass, but now I'm sick of it," says a friend of Smith who doesn't want to be identified. "I've seen it like 80 times now. I'm trying to avoid seeing it, but I can't. He's always finding reasons to come over to my house and show it to me." Smith has the picture with him all the time. It's all over his Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Smith didn't have an Instagram before the 'badass' picture of him surfaced and he hadn't sent a tweet in over 6 months. Smith can now be found going to malls with his photo and showing it around. When we asked Smith for a comment, he just showed us the picture. We now understand. Looking good there, Officer Charles 'badass' Smith.

Man drives car into a church. Then beats pastor to death with an electric guitar. That's what really happened in the previous story.

Average Magic player

You're never going to believe this, but this man is accused of beating a man to death. The reason? He wanted his Magic the Gathering card collection. Also, if you ever wanted to know how to play Magic, just read the story. It seems to be written by a Magic enthusiast, who was just using the death as a reason to talk about the game.

It may look like I mailed in this edition of the news, but that's it. That the news.