Pope to quit being the Pope at the end of the month. Pope Benedict XVI claims to be stepping down due to health concerns. Critics say this is the Catholic Church trying to prove that the Pope actually does stuff. The Pope has been under fire for hundreds of years. People say that he doesn't do anything. He's just a guy who steps out on a balcony every once and awhile and has his own car. Critics claim this is just the church trying to prove the Pope does have responsibilities. That's why he has to step down due to health issues. He can no longer carry out his responsibilities, due to his poor health. Despite him stepping down, it's still not clear as to whether or not the Pope does anything.
Annual Kumbh Mela stampede in India leaves 37 dead. The Kumbh Mela festival, also known as the Pitcher Festival, is one of the biggest religious festivals in the world. Dozens die every year in the festivals annual stampede. The stampede has been compared to the Running of the Bulls in Spain, except without the bulls. Festival organizers say they may discontinue the stampede for future festivals.
Ellen, lover of boobs.
Ellen looks at Katy Perry's boobs. Everyone forgets that Ellen is a lesbian for a brief moment and freaks out.
Old truck
Woman gets new truck. Other than the fact that it was a vehicle resembling a truck, LAPD shot up a truck that looked nothing like the one they were looking for. Inside the truck, was a mother and daughter who were delivering newspapers. The LAPD has vowed to rectify this situation by giving the women a new truck. Some are saying this is a slippery slope. The LAPD is always just shooting vehicles up and asking questions later. Millions of people in the market for a new vehicle have flocked to LA in hopes of getting a new one.
The White family is suing Disneyland for racial discrimination. Razzi White, a 5-year-old boy, was excited when he saw Donald Duck. It's confusing because the White family is black. Just try to remember that. The young White boy, who is black, started saying Donald Duck's name and opened his arms wide. The black White boy was hoping for a hug from the Disney character. Instead, Donald Duck snubbed White and went to hug a white baby in a stroller. The baby's race was white. He didn't go to hug the youngest child of the White family, who is black. The lawyer of the White family has confirmed that they are suing Disneyland. He claims that Donald Duck didn't hug White because he was black.
Teachers no longer able to do funny things in class. There used to be a time when a teacher could put pencil shavings in a sleeping student's mouth with impunity. That just isn't the case anymore.
Death of very large crocodile is mourned in Philippines. Lolong was the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity. An autopsy is being performed to determine the cause of death. Villagers from all across the country showed up to pay their respects to the large croc. Lolong is responsible for the death of dozens of villagers throughout it's life. None of those deaths were ever mourned to the extent that the crocodile's death was.
Like most Americans, the news took the weekend off. It's back at full force. It can be overwhelming. That's why I'm here.
Former political prisoner sets himself on fire. The man with a funny name was once a victim of the former communist regime in Albania. He set himself on fire to prove that people like him need their compensation faster than they are currently receiving it. Albanian officials responded by saying, "This whole setting yourself on fire thing is kind of played out. It was novel the first time someone did it. He's going to have to try something different if he wants our attention."
Jay-Z rides the subway, proving that stars are just like us. There are conflicting reports as to whether or not he took the N train or the R train from Canal Street to Atlantic. If he took the R, it just proves that Jay-Z isn't in touch with the common folk anymore. He'd have to make like eight stops taking the R. The N would only mean one stop. Meanwhile, the Q would actually drop him off slightly closer to the Barclays Center, where he was performing at, but that would also mean two stops. Either way, he's just like us.
Fat guy
Police claim that Victor Espinoza is a gang member. Gang denies Espinoza's membership. Police have requested that we not use the name of the gang in this story. The gang used to be called the Los Angeles Riders. In reference to the Raiders, a NFL team that used to play in LA. Upon the team's departure form LA, the Riders determined it was not necessary to change their name. The leader of the Riders gang does not deny that Espinoza was, at one time, a member of the gang. "He was a member," says the gang leader. "He's just put on a lot of weight since joining the gang in '82. He used to be a svelte 193. Now he's a grotesque 425. We tried to get him some help. We got him gym memberships, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem and we even almost got him that thing where they staple your stomach to make it smaller. Nothing worked. Other gangs were mocking us. There were rumors going around that the thing on his neck is a tumor. We just couldn't have an object of ridicule in our gang. We let him go. He's actually the first gang member in history to be fired from a gang by not being killed. But now that he tried to kidnap that boy, bringing more shame to our gang, because of his former association, we're probably going to kill him. Don't print that."
Jordan Van Der Sloot, of Natalee Holloway fame and killing some other girl who wasn't white, has super semen. Van Der Sloot claims a female from Lima, where he is imprisoned, has become pregnant from some semen he sent to her in the mail.
Everyone around that world was awakened today with feelings of anxiousness, excitement and anticipation. The reason? The Nobel Prize winners are announced today. They may have already been announced. There is no way of knowing for sure.
Anonymous person sits in a wheelchair
Amusement parks say to airports "you're just finding this out now?" Places like Disneyland and Six Flags have know this for years, but airports are discovering that some passengers in wheel chair don't actually need the wheelchair. The are just gaming the system to skip security lines and boarding lines.
The best part about the Internet, is that you no longer have to watch the whole boring NASCAR race to see sweet crashes. Now if we could just get people to make these videos shorter. Skip ahead to 1:30 to see a sweet crash from yesterday's race.
Teen has stomach removed due to potent cocktail. Doctor who removed the stomach is very excited. "This is going to be awesome," says Doctor Todd Rashi. "I've never seen something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen when she eats now. This is the best thing I've done."
So sad
The world stops spinning for a record 47 seconds when news hits of a Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman break up. The previous record was set a month ago when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up. The world stopped spinning for 26 seconds at that time.
Mom beats her 2-year-old daughter so badly that the toddler was in coma for two days, but is unable to make it in the news until she glues her daughters hands to the wall.
Another search is planned for a missing girl in Colorado. Jessica Rideway, 10, went missing on Friday and already, there have been about six different searches for her. Meanwhile, parents of missing kids, who aren't white, sit and wait for just one search to be conducted to find their children.
Soda consumers have one mure nutrition label to ignore. Nutrition facts have been printed on cans and bottles of sodas for a long time. Consumers have been ignoring those labels for just as long. Now soda consumers will also have to ignore the nutrition labels that are going to be put on vending machines.
