Marty and The News: July 8th Edition

News.

Eliot Spitzer trying to make return to politics, Americans learn of existence of comptroller. Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York in 2008, when it was discovered he was sexing some high-price prostitutes. Now, five years later, Americans are learning of the existence of a comptroller. It turns out lots of cities have them. Spitzer is planning to run for New York City's comptroller. It's still not known what exactly the comptroller does, but if they bang high-priced prostitutes, Spitzer is a shoe-in.

Only one death may have occurred from Asiana plance crash in San Francisco. It was first reported that two 16-year-old Chinese girls died in the plane crash. It is now being speculated that one of the girls may have been killed by an emergency vehicle that rushed to the scene. An autopsy is underway to determine the girls cause of death. Frank the airport ambulance driver has refused to comment.

You're Welcome, News Readers

Heidi Klum Instagrams picture of her butt.

'Happy Endings' writer tweets jokes that didn't make the show. Writer Jason Berger shared some jokes on Twitter that didn't make it into the product that aired on TV. At the same time, he also showed why they didn't make it into the show.

Chicago gets to work over the Holiday Weekend. As I first reported last week, homicides in Chicago are down 27% in comparison to last year's numbers at this time. Criminals got to work for the Fourth of July, as nine people were killed over the weekend. The city passed the 200th homicide for the year milestone over weekend, but is still behind last year's stats.

George Zimmerman likely to walk. Says some guy who seems to know what he's talking about.

California may start giving condoms to inmates. Haven't thought that maybe this will open up the flood gates to inmates raping other inmates. A practice that rarely occurs in prisons.

Taco Bell has another drive-thru order returned. This time it's $3,600 in cash instead of shitty tacos.

Tigers tell a man he is too old by killing him. The man was 72 and very feeble. The three tigers took pity on him and his body.

Marty And The News: July 2nd Edition

News took a few months off. Now news is happening again and I'm here to talk about it.

Little Snupe hanging out with a Gary Payton impersonator

Millions are shocked to learn about the existenece of a rapper named Little Snupe. Just as many are disappointed that he is in no way related to Snoop Dogg. A few are sad to hear that Little Snupe was killed.

WikiLeaks releases statement made by Edward Snowden. People on Twitter claim the statement isn't from Snowden because of syntax that is unusual for an American. Many of the Tweets are also written in a weird syntax for an American. No one is American anymore because of syntax.

Cirque Du Soleil patrons not as excited as they thought they would be. Cirque Du Soleil is similar to NASCAR in that many patrons go in hopes that the worse will happen. The worst happened in a performance of "Ka"when performer Sarah Guyard-Guillot fell 50 feet to her death. Witness Charles  Smith had this to say. "I've been to dozens of Cirque Du Soleil performances. I'm not proud, but every time I secretly hope something goes wrong. When she initially slipped, I got excited. This was it. This is what I've been waiting for. But then I was like, God no, this is terrible. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be at all."

Despite earlier reports, toxicology screening finds that rapper Kriss Kross died from drug overdose. It was initially believed that Kross died from too much jumping around.

Chicago not keeping pace with 2012. Both homicides and shootings are down by at least 25% when compared to the numbers this time last year. Police are concerned that many gang members aren't going to reach their quota this year.

Not gay

Boy, 4, still on the run after shooting sister, 6, in the face. The 4-year-old boy was apparently upset that his sister got a bigger slice of pie than him. The kid's grandfather says the boy wrestled away his .38 caliber pistol from him before fatally shooting his sister in the face. The boy then turned the gun on his grandfather and threatened to shoot if he tried to stop him from leaving. Police are still searching for the 4-year-old.

Hugh Jackman says he isn't gay, again. No one asked. He just hasn't been in the news for a while, so he just thought he'd let everyone know that he's still around and still not gay. He's flattered though.

Hideous guy

Some guy is upset that he looks hideous. Takes it out on people that are saying Aaron Hernandez is hot.

NFL is worried that spike in Aaron Hernandez jersey sales may result in more players killing people. Before being charged with murder, Hernandez  jerseys didn't sell very well. But now, Hernandez jerseys have become collectors items. In some cases, doubling in value and it's believed they will increase in value even further. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has expressed concern that players who don't have great jersey sales may follow in Hernandez's footsteps.

Marty and The News

News. It's a dying medium. It's struggling to happen at the same rate that it used to. One man is here to try and revive it. That man is me.

What failure looks like

Girl in India tries to break human hairball record. "When I heard about that kid in Chicago who had that hairball removed," says Maharaja Yeshwantrao, "I was all like I can beat that." Yeshwantrao didn't beat it. She didn't even come close. "Four pounds is all I could do. I had trouble eating and drinking at that point. He got 10 pounds. My hat is off to him." It should be noted that Yeshwantrao can't afford a hat.

 

Female doctor in Kentucky proves that females know nothing about the male penis. Michael Nash, 61, went to the hospital to get a simple penile implant and a circumcision. He left with frostbite on his penis. The frostbite led to gangrene. Which led to a five inch section of Nash's penis to be removed. Nash claims the frostbite occurred when a female doctor applied ice to his groin for "too damn long." When asked which section of his penis they removed, Nash said, "The middle section." When pushed as to why he was getting the penile implant and circumcision, Nash left the room.

Elephant assisted drunkenness

Man blames his DUI arrest on elephant. When Samuel Phipps was arrested for his 7th DUI, he had a good reason this time. It was the elephant's fault. "I only wanted to have on drink," Phipps said. "I had to drive home. But Larry, this elephant from the zoo, wouldn't let me leave. Every time I'd get up from the bar, Larry would go crazy until I sat back down at the bar. One time he grabbed me with his trunk and lifted me high up in the air. He forced me to drink alcohol from his trunk as well. He'd dip his trunk in the beer, then put his trunk in my mouth." Phipps doesn't have insurance.

Hoarder finds new way to get rid of clutter in his home. An intervention had been held and the man, who lives with his mom, was ready to start getting rid of the many items inside his house. A large dumpster was already set up outside the house and social workers were on their way to help remove items. That's when the man devised a better way to get rid of all the things he had accumulated throughout the years. Burn the house down. Unfortunately, the man became trapped inside the house by his belongings after setting the fire. His mother was able to escape the house after receiving sever burns on her body. One firefighter on the scene was heard saying, "he really should have started the fire from outside the house."

Number of births in the United States falls again. That makes it four years in a row. "Someone out there is lying," says Doctor Robert Jones of the Mayo Clinic. "Based on our numbers, people have been having sex at record rates recently. Birth control has been on the decline though. The low number of births we are seeing just doesn't add up. So either people are covering up births, or people like Chuck from accounting are lying about how much sex they are having." Chuck declined to comment.

That's it. That's the news.