Marty and The News

News.

Pope to quit being the Pope at the end of the month. Pope Benedict XVI claims to be stepping down due to health concerns. Critics say this is the Catholic Church trying to prove that the Pope actually does stuff. The Pope has been under fire for hundreds of years. People say that he doesn't do anything. He's just a guy who steps out on a balcony every once and awhile and has his own car. Critics claim this is just the church trying to prove the Pope does have responsibilities. That's why he has to step down due to health issues. He can no longer carry out his responsibilities, due to his poor health. Despite him stepping down, it's still not clear as to whether or not the Pope does anything.


Annual Kumbh Mela stampede in India leaves 37 dead. The Kumbh Mela festival, also known as the Pitcher Festival, is one of the biggest religious festivals in the world. Dozens die every year in the festivals annual stampede. The stampede has been compared to the Running of the Bulls in Spain, except without the bulls. Festival organizers say they may discontinue the stampede for future festivals.

Ellen, lover of boobs.

Ellen looks at Katy Perry's boobs. Everyone forgets that Ellen is a lesbian for a brief moment and freaks out.

Old truck

Woman gets new truck. Other than the fact that it was a vehicle resembling a truck, LAPD shot up a truck that looked nothing like the one they were looking for. Inside the truck, was a mother and daughter who were delivering newspapers. The LAPD has vowed to rectify this situation by giving the women a new truck. Some are saying this is a slippery slope. The LAPD is always just shooting vehicles up and asking questions later. Millions of people in the market for a new vehicle have flocked to LA in hopes of getting a new one.

The White family is suing Disneyland for racial discrimination. Razzi White, a 5-year-old boy, was excited when he saw Donald Duck. It's confusing because the White family is black. Just try to remember that. The young White boy, who is black, started saying Donald Duck's name and opened his arms wide. The black White boy was hoping for a hug from the Disney character. Instead, Donald Duck snubbed White and went to hug a white baby in a stroller. The baby's race was white. He didn't go to hug the youngest child of the White family, who is black. The lawyer of the White family has confirmed that they are suing Disneyland. He claims that Donald Duck didn't hug White because he was black.

Teachers no longer able to do funny things in class. There used to be a time when a teacher could put pencil shavings in a sleeping student's mouth with impunity. That just isn't the case anymore.

Death of very large crocodile is mourned in Philippines. Lolong was the largest saltwater crocodile in captivity. An autopsy is being performed to determine the cause of death. Villagers from all across the country showed up to pay their respects to the large croc. Lolong is responsible for the death of dozens of villagers throughout it's life. None of those deaths were ever mourned to the extent that the crocodile's death was.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News, again.

These are being credited for a big win in basketball

New trend shows that boobs are still popular.

Note left in girls bathroom stall.

Navy still trying to shake the perceived stigma of being weak, not helping themselves. When it comes to branches of the Military, the Navy is almost always near the bottom (the Air Force dropped below them from 2008-2010 when pirates were cool for a while). A big part of the stigma is out of the Navy's control. The other branches are just that cool. At times, the Navy doesn't help themselves. This is one of those times. A Naval ship is stuck on some coral reef in the Philippines. Nice job, Navy.

Woman who had been growing for 34 straight years finally stops, by dying.

Two groups of girls competing to see who's the baddest. Group one attacked a mother who was putting her child on the school bus. They refer to it as 'mobbing' or 'popping'. Group two gets cabs, chokes the driver and robs them. Experts say group two is the baddest, right now. "Group two has done this more than once," says baddest expert Charles Smith. "They are also getting money out of their badassery. Group one is on the rise though. Rumor is, they have more plans in the work and they are younger. In the end, not getting money for your badassery may prove to be the baddest. This should be a good one."

Seymour passed shortly after this photo was captured

Donkey in Botswana tries to stop Google Street View car. When word leaked last month that the Google Street View car would be coming through their neighborhood, donkeys in Botswana began plotting to stop it. "Ppphhhh," said one donkey. Expert donkey translator Charles Smith translates. The donkeys didn't want the road that leads to their community being on the Internet. A neighboring donkey community had the Google Street View car photograph their road last year. People just started driving on it, for no apparent reason. They were just driving on it because the road was on the Internet and must be famous. Things became dangerous for that donkey community. They didn't want that to happen in their town. Where are the young donkeys supposed to safely play with hundred of cars zooming by daily? Seymour the donkey was elected by the town to go and try negotiate with the driver of the Google car. The driver wanted none of it. Seymour was shot in the head before the Google Street View car drove off, capturing one final image of Seymour the donkey. Seymour is survived by his two kids, Penelope the donkey, 4, Chaz the donkey, 9, and his wife, Laura the donkey.

Dog kills man in Florida, police kill dog in Colorado and stop dog uprising. When a man in Florida was killed by a dog driving a van, police in Colorado feared the dog uprising was nigh. James Campbell, 68, had exited his van to open  the gate to his house, when a dog jumped into the car and pressed the accelerator. The man was killed instantly. As a precaution, police in Colorado entered the home of  Jeff Fisher and shot his dog three times. Dog uprising expert Charles Smith suspects the officers in Colorado helped keep the dog uprising at bay. "There is no doubt in my mind that had those officers not killed that dog in Colorado," says Smith, "we'd have a huge problem on our hands. Those officers showed dogs everywhere that we aren't going to put up with their bullshit."

That's it. That's the news.