February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.