February 10th Edition

People's fears of Rancho Feeding Corp. are confirmed. "Everytime I see the package in the store, I laugh and just skip over it," says meat buyer Megan Carlisle. "The packaging and name 'Rancho' just makes the meat come across as meat that shouldn't be trifled with." Carlisle isn't the only one who has passed over the meat for the same reasons. Last year, stores that sold meat from Rancho Feeding Corp. lost millions of dollars when they had to throw all of meat out due to it expiring on the shelves. Last week, one person bought a package of Rancho meat and died. The autopsy confirmed that the man died from eating diseased meat. Rancho Feeding Corp. has since recalled 8.7 million pounds of beef. Rancho Feeding Corp. claims this was just one bad batch of meat and that last year's meat was fine. It's likely that Rancho Feeding Corp. will have to declare bankruptcy due to the recall and possible go out of business for good. If Rancho were to go out of business today, they would go down in history as the lowest selling meat brand of all time by having only sold a 4-pack of 1/4 pound hamburgers.

Jessica Simpson shows how far she has fallen by posting a picture of a chair on Instagram. Simpson, who has now become a spokesmodel for Weight Watchers, was back on set filming a new Weight Watchers commercial after losing the weight she gained from the birth of her second child. Simpson says she lost the weight by following the Weight Watchers plan. While on the set, a picture of Simpson looking sexy and fit was taken. She posted the picture on Instagram. What she didn't notice, was that her chair was in the foreground of the picture. Her name was written on masking tape, denoting that the chair was hers. Actual stars normally have their name embroidered onto their chairs. Something Simpson always had back in her heyday. 

Two more men released from prison after being wrongfully accused. Antonio Yarbough and Sharrif Wilson were released after serving 20 years each for murders in 1992. DNA evidence was used to exonerate the two men. The men received handshakes and sincere apologies on their way out of prison. 

Russian speedskater strips after winning bronze medal, Putin pretends to enjoy. Olga Graf wasn't expected to medal, so when she did, she was so excited she started to stip off her clothes during her victory lap. Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was at the event, said he thought the display "was very hot." He claimed to have gotten "very aroused" by her little peep show. Putin also added that he hopes this trend continues when the dudes start skating.  

Zoo feeds giraffe to lions to teach kids about giraffe anatomy. The zoo shot and killed the giraffe because they were afraid of giraffe inbreeding. The giraffe was then skinned and fed to the lions. Visitors were invited to watch the lions eat the giraffe. According to zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro, the visitors loved watching the lions eat the giraffe. Many have displayed outrage over what took place. Stenbaek Bro said, I'm actually proud because I think we have given children a huge understanding of the anatomy of a giraffe that they wouldn't have had from watching a giraffe in a photo."

Shia LaBeouf wears paperbag over head in attempt to get people to have sex with him. Concerned that people weren't' having sex with him anymore because he was famous, LaBeouf wore a paper bag over his face. The words "I am not famous anymore" were written on the bag. LaBeouf assumes people weren't having sex with him anymore because he's famous and everything he does makes the news. Experts say LaBeouf's lack of sexual activity is probably just because no one wants to have sex with anymore. 

77-year-old man finds the exact age you have to reach for mundane activities to get old people in the news. Ike Herrick received a round of applause and a newspaper article for walking on a treadmill. "It took me 27 years of walking on a treadmill, but now I'm finally old enough to get the recognition I've always deserved," says Herrick.

That's it. That's the news.