February 17th Edition

BREAKING:  Stunning new report finds that bad shit is happening in North Korea. The report, performed by UN investigators, claims that massive human rights violations are occurring. One UN guy says that, "people would be shocked by what is going on there. It's even more shocking, because there was no indication that any of this was happening."

When it comes to winning bronze medals, United States is kicking ass. The United States is currently sitting in 7th place in the medal standing for this year's Winter Olympics. They have only won 4 gold and 4 silver medals. Numbers that put them on the lower end of countries that actually have a shot to win medal standings. But if one were to look past those first two columns, they would see that the US is dominating the field. The US has won a staggering 9 bronze medals. Two more than any other country. Nine is the most medals won of any color. United States Winter Olympic spokesman, Charles Smith, had this to say of the accomplishment, "We could easily be turning those bronze medals into silver or gold. We just told our athletes to hold back this year. Let the other countries know we're there, but don't show them up. That's our motto this year. We also want to make sure those sports, that only we are good at because we made them up and other countries don't really think they are sports, stay in the olympics. In those sports especially, we've made a strong effort to make sure other countries win those events this year. We've accidentally won a few of those events, but for the most part, we're doing a good job."

Despite the cold, Kardashian still inspires

George Zimmerman blames Trayvon Martin for making his life hard. In an interview with CNN, Zimmerman let it be known to everyone that he only has to answer to God. He won't answer to anyone else because he doesn't like what they have to say. He thinks God will understand him and that he had to shoot Martin. When asked if he felt any regret over killing Martin, Zimmerman said, "look, my life would be easier had I not gone out there that night. That's for certain. But so would Martin's. Martin chose to go out there that night. A place he shouldn't have been. I was just doing my responsibility as a respected community member by following him around. Both our lives would be very different had Martin not made the choices he did that night."

Kim Kardashian bravely shows New York City that it isn't too cold to show cleavage. Just as many in the City were beginning to think they would never again be able to show cleavage, Kardashian let her breasts free. "I'm just so happy that I can be an inspiration to so many," says Kardashian.

Whatever it is, it's terrible

Football player arrested, NFL asks for player to announce he's gay. Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, was arrested for what will probably turn out to be him hitting his fiancee. Upon learning of the news, the NFL sent out an e-mail to all it's players. Urging one of them to come out as gay.

Parents claim their son drew picture of all the Presidents of the United States. Keaton, 7, will tell you he was just "drawering a pictre." Ask his parents, and they'll tell you that he was drawing all of the Presidents, unprovoked. His parents say that they were unaware that he even knew what the President was. Let alone all of them. Many are claiming that Keaton just drew a picture that happened to have 43 people in it. Which is also what Keaton says.

                                           Über Racist

Stereotype of 'black people always kicking doors' is gaining steam. A university student in Canada emailed his fellow students a picture of US President Barack Obama kicking a door. Something that actually happened. The caption that accompanied the photo said, "Honestly midterms get out of here." The university forced the student to apologize for the picture when another student complained it was racist. The caption was also claimed to be racist because there was no comma in it. Many are claiming there was no comma in the caption because the student is Canadian and stupid, not racist.

Study finds that most studies find what they set out to find. Researchers were hoping to find that bullying affects children negatively and when they conducted their study, that's exactly what they found. "This is happening a lot more than you might think," says Charles Smith, who studies studies. "Last year a group of people wanted to show that having a dog is good for your happiness. That's exactly what they found. The last time a study didn't find what it wanted was in 1997."

That's it. That's the news.