February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.

Sunday Edition

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying  away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it. 

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

Marty and The News: August 14th Edition

Egypt in a one-month state of emergency. With all the protests going on and deaths, the Government of Egypt had decided to declare a state of emergency for a whole month because they don't see it letting up soon. As of this report, 149 people have died. That number is expected to rise. By declaring a state of emergency, the Government has made it so someone has to be on the phone with 911 at all times. That's pretty much all a state of emergency means.

Pentagon to start giving benefits to gay spouses of Military people. All you have to do is show that you have a valid marriage certificate. If you are in a state where gay marriage isn't allowed, they will grant you leave so that you can go to a state where it is and get married. Straight people are not able to do that. The Pentagon claims this is because there are no states where you can't straight marry.

Two former bankers caught up in 'whale' scandal. Javier Martin-Artajo and Julien Grout used to work at JPMorgan Chase, but now they are facing charges for being involved in the "London Whale"scandal. This whole thing is very disappointing. Actual whales have no involvement in this scandal. It's just a bunch of money stuff. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

Successful couples enjoy each other. That's it. That's the number one secret for highly successful couples. What this means, is that if you are in a relationship with someone that you don't particularly enjoy, odds are, it isn't going to last. 

The ugly one is Susan Olsen

Susan Olsen turns 52, got ugly. Perhaps you know her better as Cindy Brady, of Brady Bunch fame. Actually, no perhaps. Of course you know her better as Cindy Brady. Celebrate by looking at a picture of how she has became the ugliest of the Brady women. 

Woman drives car. Apparently she was asleep and texting while driving. But her driving is impressive with or without her bing asleep. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Which is very uncommon. Normally when a woman is driving, numerous people are harmed.

Pregnant model wears 'lingerie' while a lady watching makes a stupid face

Pregnant models wear lingerie at fashion show, lady watching makes stupid face. Despite the models wearing what appears to just be Plain Jane bras and underoos, the show's producers decided to bill the show as models wearing lingerie. 

Rush Limbaugh calls Oprah fat, still wants to have sex with her. Limbaugh claims Oprah was told she couldn't afford a handbag because she is overweight. He could then be heard drooling and talking about 'that sweet ass.'

People who make drones want us to stop calling them drones. The drone industry made their request clear at the last drone industry convention. Drone manufactuers would like people to start calling them, "flying things that go real fast, crash into things and kill people, but not the pilot because the pilot is thousands of miles away using a controller to fly," or "The VROOOOOMMM!!! Kill Machine."

Football player, Robert Griffin III, wants gay players to just say they are gay so he knows for sure. Friends of RG3 say he is trying to avoid last year's embarrassment where he walked up to an unnamed, presumably gay player, and propositioned him for a romp in the shower room. It was widely believed that this player was 'super gay'. RG3 was shocked and dismayed to learn this was not the case.

Texas man tells wife "this will always be the happiest moment of my life" right after she gives birth, fears he might not be able to live up to this, kills himself.  The man shot himself in his wife's hospital room 3 1/2 hours after she gave birth. The baby was not present at the time. People in the hospital waiting room say he seemed 'extremely happy' following the birth, but also seemed very distraught. The man was reportedly talking to himself, saying things like "I'm really happy right now, but is this really going to be the happiest I will ever be?" The man shot himself shortly after this altercation with himself. The time his wife gave birth was the happiest moment of his life. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Report

When NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay Monday morning, everyone assumed that his twin brother was already aware of the Jason's sexual orientation. Jarron was not.

Jason and Jarron have been twins their entire lives. They were even born on the same day. Until they both reached the NBA in 2001, they had always played on the same basketball team. Always rooming together at home and on road trips. They were roommates during their playing days at Stanford. The Collins twins have always been close, but Jason had been keeping a secret from not only the world, but his brother Jarron as well.

"I'm really happy for Jason," says Jarron. "I'm glad he can finally be true to himself. I just wish he felt he could have told me. It hurts a little bit."

"I can see why maybe he felt he couldn't tell me," says Jarron. "I was always trying to get him to hook up with chicks. Especially back at Stanford. I was always bringing back chicks and bedding them. I'd always have my ladies bring their friends over for Jason. Looking back, I guess I should have known something was up. The only thing my brother ever did with the ladies was bake stuff. Cookies, cakes, pies, muffins... He even made a soufflé once. The stuff was so damn good that I never asked him why he only baked stuff with the ladies I brought over for him. Maybe baking was a very sensual experience for him."

"The biggest clue should have come the day I got married. Jason was my best man, of course. Right before the wedding I told him that it was his turn to get married next. Then I'll get divorced and it would be my turn again. We both laughed and he told me he couldn't get married. It's illegal. I just assumed Jason was a player and wanted to marry more than one woman.  Now, I get it. And honey, I was just joking about that divorce thing."

"We still haven't talked about it. We've talked on the phone four times since the article came out. Neither of us has brought it up. I guess we don't really need to. It doesn't change anything between us. He's still my brother. Maybe I should stop trying so hard to set him up with Brenda, but other than that, nothing has to change."

Marty and The News

One look at the news these days and you are bombarded with political banter. Like a real American, you decided who you were going to vote for 6 years ago. You just want the news. That's why I'm here. To give it to you. Give it to you good.

Girl tries to auction off her virginity, only to find no takers. Catarina Migliorini thought she had stumbled across a good get-rich-quick scheme when she decided to auction off her virginity. What she received is a blow to her ego. To spare humiliation, Migliorini has convinced her self that, despite the stereotype, men just don't want the pressure of being 'first.' "That's only partially true," says virginity expert Chuck Ramon. "While it's true that the stereotype of men wanting to deflower someone is grossly exaggerated, that's only a very small reason why there are no takers for Catarina. To be blunt, the fact of the matter is that she just isn't attractive."

Boy finds mammoth in backyard. Evgeny Salinder is only 11, but his newest playmate is 30,000 years old. Salinder came across the mammoth remains while playing in his backyard in Northern Russia. It's assumed his house is also in Northern Russia. After naming the mammoth Clark, the two spent the next few days playing a game Salinder called 'Evgeny and Clark'. "Clark was fun," said Salinder. "We played baseball, wrestled and hopscotched." Salinder eventually tired of his new friend and told his parents of his discovery. His parents called scientists. "This is a very rare find," says science guy Alexei Tikhonov. "The boy destroyed the thing though. He's rendered this thing useless. We could have learned a lot about this particular mammoth and mammoths in general. If I ever see this kid, I'm going to give him a stern talking to."

Gay teen, Ryan Andersen, claims he has been denied his Eagle Scout Award because he is gay. Boy Scouts of America claims Andersen hasn't gotten all the required merit badges for a boy in his situation. The Boy Scouts of America have released a statement.

We made this deal with gays a few years ago. They could be Eagle Scouts and/or leaders, but they have to get our new 'fag' merit badge. Despite it's name, it has nothing to do with them being gay. It's actually really easy to get. You just have to go gather a bunch of sticks. It's a really good skill to have if you are planning to build a fire. We made this badge so that we know who is really in scouting for the right reason. What's to stop a disgruntled gay from infiltrating our organization and taking it down from the inside? With this 'fag' merit badge, we can see who is really all about scouting and what it stands for. Ryan refuses to get the merit badge and that is why he won't be receiving his Eagle. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. That's it. End of discussion."

While is easy to get, you really do just gather a couple of sticks, it does have it's differences from other merit badges. Merit badges, usually are displayed on a sash, that is worn by the scout who has received said badge. Typically, the badge has a picture on it that represents the skill that was learned to earn the badge. For example, the canoeing merit badge has a picture of a canoe on it. The 'fag' merit badge is just a badge that says 'fag'. It is also considerably larger than the other merit badges. It is also not to be displayed on the merit badge sash, like other badges. Proper placement of the 'fag' merit badge, calls for it to be displayed on you scouting uniform and placed where the Eagle Scout badge is placed. The 'fag' merit badge is to be placed over the Eagle Scout badge. All of this can be found in the Boy Scout uniform handbook.

Dickhead wildlife officials in Florida put an end to alligators at kid's pool parties. Having alligators at your kid's pool party had become quite the fad in southern Florida. Officials have put an and to that, saying that it is 'too dangerous'. "It's a shame," says Michael Friedman, who has had several 'gator parties' for his children. "Everyone has been having the parties recently. Only six kids have been bitten. Six. There are literally dozen of kids in this neighborhood and only six have been bitten. Of those, only one of them died as result of being bitten. No one really liked having him at the parties anyways because his family is poor. For them to decide that the parties are dangerous is unjustified."

Police, who observed a car drive into the harbor, are 'shocked' when the lifeless bodies of three women are discovered in the car. One of the policemen, Grant Lowe, described the situation.

Me and two of my police buddies were headed to Denny's to get some breakfast. We saw this car just go into the harbor. We assumed no one was in the car. Who in their right mind would just drive into the harbor? There is also a small hill that leads into the harbor. We came to the conclusion that someone had just forgotten to use their park brake and the unoccupied car had rolled into the harbor. We were all fairly hungry. If we called the car in, we'd have to wait at the scene until other people arrived. So we decided to wait until after we ate to call it in. We had such a good time at Denny's. We were there for nearly four hours. We called in the car and waited at the scene. We had bets on whether or not our park brake theory would prove to be correct. It was then that we saw three dead bodies being pulled from the car. We were shocked. Had we known that there were people in the car, we certainly wouldn't have wasted all that time by going to Denny's. We would have just gone to Dunkin Donuts and then called it in.

 Linda Hogan, ex-wife of the great Hulk Hogan, happens to get DUI on the same day the Hulk Hogan sex tape is released. The two are in no way related.

Canadian economy on it's way to becoming stable again after 600 barrels of missing syrup are found.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

While you were watching the debates last night, or avoiding people talking about the debates, actual news was happening. Luckily, I was there to catch it.

You guys, the day we've been waiting for has happened. It's been rumored for quite a few months that this tape existed. Now we have the tape. The Hulk Hogan sex tape we've all wanted to see is real. It's 30 minutes long. Go here to see a 1 minute clip of all the best parts, or you can skip past the video and read a synopsis of the video. Needless to say, don't go there if you are at work, or a normal person. But if you like hearing Hulk Hogan talk about how he feels like a pig because he just ate so much AND seeing his penis, click away.

Hillary taking it all in

Christina Aguilera wins George McGovern Leadership Award. Aguilera did nothing to win the award. Hillary Clinton, who hosted the awards, has always wanted to meet Aguilera and has never gotten the opportunity. "I've admired her for years," says the former first lady. "The voice, the breasts... she has it all. I took this opportunity to take it all in."

Chris Brown hits his girlfriend to pursue Rihanna. The spat Brown and Rihanna got into that resulted in Brown striking Rihanna is well documented. It's also well documented that the two have been spotted canoodling as of late. Word on the street is that the two are getting back together. There was one stumbling block to this happening. Brown was dating Karrueche Tran. So to pursue Rihanna, he got out of that relationship the only way he knows how. "I didn't want to be an asshole and date the two women at the same time," says Brown. "I'm too much of a man to play two women like that, so I broke things off with Karrueche by punching her in the face." Friends of Brown say that's the only way he knows how to breakup with someone.

Snooki and her large head

Pictures of Snooki, with no makeup on, leak. Experts say the leaked photos will be damaging to the career of Snooki. "The pictures are grotesque," says Jim Richards, a big Hollywood expert guy. "Their is no doubt that Snooki's PR team is working hard to try and clean this mess up and sweep it under the rug." Snooki claims she leaked the pictures on her Instagram account. "Can't be true," says Richards. "Releasing those pictures would be career suicide. Someone released them without her knowledge." Richards ended the interview to throw up.

Boxer Orlando Cruz keeps the streak alive. Gay men coming out of the closet is nothing new, but Cruz almost made history when he come out of the closet. When rumors started to circulate last week that Cruz was going to announce that he is a 'content gay man,' the gay community feared that their streak may be in jeopardy. In the history of gay men coming out, not one has come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' In the end, Cruz came out as a 'proud gay man' at a press conference earlier today. When asked about the rumors Cruz said, "I'm ashamed that even happened. I was just having a rough day. I never intended to come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' The 'content gay man' comment was something I said out of frustration. I regret that I put the gay community through this ordeal."

Austin, Texas has the reputation of being a little island of Texas. A liberal island surrounded by conservative waters. Today, students at the University of Texas at Austin took it upon themselves to show that this just isn't true. They threw balloons filled with bleach at African-American students. Jamilah Beene, a black gentleman, said of the attack, "It's sad this happened and that it appears racism is behind the attack. They were actually really nice about it though. That's the thing about Austin. People here are really nice. Before the balloons started being thrown they said, 'hey you guys, we're going to start throwing these balloons at you because you are black. Oh, and they are filled with bleach.' They didn't start throwing the balloons until they after they let us know what was going on. So that was cool."

Boston Red Sox finally fire Bobby Valentine. Talk of Valentine's firing began even before he was hired to be the teams manager. Throughout the season, all talk involving the Red Sox centered around why Valentine hadn't been fired yet. Now that the season is over, Valentine has finally been fired. "We meant to fire Bobby clear back in May," said Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington. "We had done all the paperwork and everything. Then we lost the paperwork. We looked everywhere for it. We could have filled out different paperwork, but you have to get all these signatures and the signatures we needed were already on the paperwork we lost. It would have been too much of a hassle to get all those signatures again. Our season is over now, so I was cleaning up my office today and the paperwork showed up. And now Bobby is no longer working with the Red Sox. I never gave up looking for those papers. Persistance pays."

That's it. That's the news.



   

Marty and The News

NEWS TIME!!!! !! !

This picture was cool. Now it's just lame.

Last week I reported on the photobombing stingray. This week we have the backstory behind this photo has come out. No one asked for the backstory, or was wanting it, but now we have it. The backstory on this probably should not have come out. It's not interesting and makes the picture less interesting.

Country singer mistakingly thinks that being caught cheating would disappoint his fans. Country fans like and expect this kind of thing.

One of those is a dude.

It's 'Miss Bum Bum' time in Brazil. The annual pageant is getting started in Brazil and I'm looking for a reason to post a picture of butts.

Amazon in trouble for selling a puzzle.


PBS surprised to learn that Jerry Lewis is still alive. "I was just sitting in my office," says one PBS executive. "I received a call from a man claiming to be Jerry Lewis. 'No really. Who is this?' I said. I thought Jerry died four years ago. He wants to do some thing in Vegas. I don't really know what it is. I told him that I thought he was dead, but we'd be happy to do it."

Gay-to-straight conversion therapy now banned in California. One group says that the ban doesn't go far enough. Leader of that group, Bill Darrelson, spoke out against the ban. "Unless this ban includes straight-to-gay conversions, it shouldn't be passed," he says. "What's stopping one of these gays from becoming a teacher and turing my boy into one of them? Gays are notorious for this kind of thing. My friend Larry met a gay at a bar, a straight bar that a gay shouldn't be at I might add. Now Larry is a faggot."

Boy Scouts of America, once again, prove they are a superior people when compared to your average American. They are now going to notify the police of pedophiles. Something the rest of America has not been doing.

Bus drivers in San Antonio attempt double-suicide. School bus drivers Mike Jeffers and Larry Kline were done with life. They couldn't deal with. They were especially fed up with the kids on their school bus and their low pay. The two men planned on racing their buses towards each other in hopes that the impact would kill both of them. Mike Jeffers survived the crash. Larry Kline was so lucky. "Larry is a lucky guy," said Jeffers.

Americans getting better at child abuse. "It used to be that kids would just get a few bruises," says Dr. John Leventhal of Yale University. "Now we are seeing a rise in the number of kids that have to be hospitalized due to injuries they sustain from child abuse. We've got a long way to go to catch other countries as far as child abuse is concerned, but we are headed in the right direction."

Ron Wallace has no fear of retribution for his record. 

Pumpkin records are falling left and right. In the time span of just five days, the world record for the heaviest pumpkin, fell not once, but twice. "This type of thing is unprecedented in the pumpkin world," said a pumpkin weighing judge who wished to remain anonymous for fear that their may be retribution for the records.

Original picture on the left. What appeared in the catalogue on the right.

Ikea removes woman from catalogue. In a move that has child safety enthusiasts everywhere up in arms, Ikea has taken a woman out of one of the pictures in their latest catalogue. "That kid really shouldn't be using that sink unsupervised like that," says child safety expert Julie Bond. "It's a shame to see Ikea act so irresponsibly."


That's it. That's the news.