Marty and The News: August 14th Edition

Egypt in a one-month state of emergency. With all the protests going on and deaths, the Government of Egypt had decided to declare a state of emergency for a whole month because they don't see it letting up soon. As of this report, 149 people have died. That number is expected to rise. By declaring a state of emergency, the Government has made it so someone has to be on the phone with 911 at all times. That's pretty much all a state of emergency means.

Pentagon to start giving benefits to gay spouses of Military people. All you have to do is show that you have a valid marriage certificate. If you are in a state where gay marriage isn't allowed, they will grant you leave so that you can go to a state where it is and get married. Straight people are not able to do that. The Pentagon claims this is because there are no states where you can't straight marry.

Two former bankers caught up in 'whale' scandal. Javier Martin-Artajo and Julien Grout used to work at JPMorgan Chase, but now they are facing charges for being involved in the "London Whale"scandal. This whole thing is very disappointing. Actual whales have no involvement in this scandal. It's just a bunch of money stuff. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

Successful couples enjoy each other. That's it. That's the number one secret for highly successful couples. What this means, is that if you are in a relationship with someone that you don't particularly enjoy, odds are, it isn't going to last. 

The ugly one is Susan Olsen

Susan Olsen turns 52, got ugly. Perhaps you know her better as Cindy Brady, of Brady Bunch fame. Actually, no perhaps. Of course you know her better as Cindy Brady. Celebrate by looking at a picture of how she has became the ugliest of the Brady women. 

Woman drives car. Apparently she was asleep and texting while driving. But her driving is impressive with or without her bing asleep. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Which is very uncommon. Normally when a woman is driving, numerous people are harmed.

Pregnant model wears 'lingerie' while a lady watching makes a stupid face

Pregnant models wear lingerie at fashion show, lady watching makes stupid face. Despite the models wearing what appears to just be Plain Jane bras and underoos, the show's producers decided to bill the show as models wearing lingerie. 

Rush Limbaugh calls Oprah fat, still wants to have sex with her. Limbaugh claims Oprah was told she couldn't afford a handbag because she is overweight. He could then be heard drooling and talking about 'that sweet ass.'

People who make drones want us to stop calling them drones. The drone industry made their request clear at the last drone industry convention. Drone manufactuers would like people to start calling them, "flying things that go real fast, crash into things and kill people, but not the pilot because the pilot is thousands of miles away using a controller to fly," or "The VROOOOOMMM!!! Kill Machine."

Football player, Robert Griffin III, wants gay players to just say they are gay so he knows for sure. Friends of RG3 say he is trying to avoid last year's embarrassment where he walked up to an unnamed, presumably gay player, and propositioned him for a romp in the shower room. It was widely believed that this player was 'super gay'. RG3 was shocked and dismayed to learn this was not the case.

Texas man tells wife "this will always be the happiest moment of my life" right after she gives birth, fears he might not be able to live up to this, kills himself.  The man shot himself in his wife's hospital room 3 1/2 hours after she gave birth. The baby was not present at the time. People in the hospital waiting room say he seemed 'extremely happy' following the birth, but also seemed very distraught. The man was reportedly talking to himself, saying things like "I'm really happy right now, but is this really going to be the happiest I will ever be?" The man shot himself shortly after this altercation with himself. The time his wife gave birth was the happiest moment of his life. 

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

For some reason I'm still here, and so is the news.

Dead Fidel 'reading' the paper

Fidel Castro gets 'Weekend at Bernie's' treatment in an attempt to prove he is still alive. It's a well know fact that Castro has been dead for at least three years, possibly longer. Family of Castro continues to deny his death. They have been carrying around his dead body for three years, as if he never died. They recently released some photos of 'Dead Fidel' in various poses to try and show people that he is still alive. It's unclear as to whether or not the family knows Castro is dead. Some experts say they could be going through an extended phase of denial and actually think the 'Dead Fidel' they carry around is alive.

NEWS ALERT!!! People who complain about the stuff they do, probably aren't doing it to the extent they say they do.

Police surprised to find that suspect had history of violence. Wisconsin police have been investigating a man who killed three, and wounded four, before then killing himself at a day spa. "I assumed we were looking at an upstanding individual," says Police Chief Bill Yardley, "but it appears that isn't the case." Radcliffe Haughton was arrested a week before the spa shootings for slashing his wife's tires and had threatened to throw acid in his wife's face on several occasions.

Here is another helpful tip on how to get your socks white again.

Underground fantasy league at Californian high school celebrates five year anniversary. "When I started the league in 2007, I never expected the league to take off like it has," says league creator Mike Marshall. "The Fantasy Slut League is still alive kicking and I couldn't be more proud." The rules of the league are quite simple. Girls are 'drafted' onto a team, and whenever anyone does anything sexual with one of the girls, whatever team she is on gets points equivalent to whatever the act was.

This photo now haunts Armstrong

Lance Armstrong now regrets posing for ironic 'sad face' picture. Armstrong posed for the picture minutes after one of his seven Tour de France victories. A reporter at the finish line asked Armstrong how he felt about the victory. Armstrong looked into the camera and made an ironic and comically sad 'sad face.' Reporters, fans, cyclists and even Armstrong himself had a good chuckle over the face. Those who didn't even see the face laughed as well, just because everyone else was. Now that Armstrong has lost several sponsorships and been stripped of every one of his seven Tour de France wins, the picture is now being used in an unironic way.

It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' Sadly, today's participant was shot in the shoulder and not the face. That's close enough though. A 9-year-old girl was shot by a family member who thought she was a skunk.

Sandra Fluke, of Rush Limbaugh calling her a a 'slut' and a 'prostitute' fame, speaks in front of 10 people. The event was held at a Sak 'N Save grocery store in Reno, Nevada. Fluke now claims that no event was planned. The ten people asked her to talk. Fluke was just their do her grocery shopping, but felt she had the responsibility to talk to these people if that's what they wanted. However, if you look at Fluke's Facebook page, it's clear the event at the Sak 'N Save was planned weeks in advance. She posted this hours before the event, "Hey guys, about to speak at the Sak 'N Save in Reno. It's going to be crowded, so get there early."

Donald Trump is almost as desperate for Twitter followers, as 'Fox and Friends' is for taking a phone call from Donald Trump. Trump called 'Fox and Friends,' who gladly put him on the air, to announce that he has something really big about Obama to announce. Trump will be making the announcement on his Twitter account. He wouldn't say when, but did say he would make the announcement by Wednesday. The on air phone call ended with 'Fox and Friends' telling Trump to call back tomorrow and anytime after that.

This is both the funniest and saddest lede paragraph of all time.

An unidentified man who had been riding in an electric wheelchair caught on fire Saturday afternoon and died.

 Hey guys, Adele wasn't fat, she was just pregnant.

That's it. That's the news.