February 26th Edition

Four million people have signed up for Obamacare, George W. Bush is surprised half the country has already signed up. The number of people that have signed up for Obamacare are very low, but not according to one former President. "Wow!" Said Bush. "Four million, already. I didn't think that many people would sign up for that Obamacare. Boy was I wrong. Half the country has already signed up." Bush was only off on the population of the United States by roughly 306 million. Since making his comments, Bush has taken to Twitter to explain that he was joking. "My comments on Obamacare were a joke. What do they call it, sarcasm? I was being sarcasm," tweeted Bush.

Another fast food patron looks at their receipt too closely. An alarming trend of customers looking to closely at their receipt has griped the country. In the old days, nobody looked at their receipt. Except in the rare circumstances they forgot their order number. "Bitch ass hoes."That's the name that left an elderly grandmother in tears. A Burger King employee printed the name on elderly woman's receipt. Apparently because the elderly woman and her granddaughter were being "bitch ass hoes." The manger of the Burger King told the woman that she shouldn't have looked at the receipt.

Random cat picture

Former New England Patriots turned probable murder, Aaron Hernandez, beats up guy in prison. TMZ reports that inmate was harassing Hernandez, so he had it coming.

Woman tricks boyfriend into killing himself under the guise of gun safety. Sarah was fed up with her boyfriends douchey ways and wanted to put an end to him. She didn't want to do it herself however, so she devised a plan for him to kill himself. For days on end, Sarah constantly nagged and complained about his guns and how unsafe they were to have in the house. Especially around their children. The boyfriend eventually set out to show her how safe the guns were. He grabbed his three guns and pointed each one to his head and pulled the trigger. What he didn't know, is that Sarah had put a bullet in one of the guns a few days prior. The first two gun did nothing when the man pulled the trigger. Sarah even played along and had him point the second gun at her and pull the trigger after nothing happened when he pointed it at himself. Sarah was in the middle of apologizing for saying the guns weren't safe when her boyfriend killed himself by pointing the third gun at his head and pulling the trigger.

NFL may move Super Bowl from Arizona if anti-gay is passed, Arizona wouldn't let Super Bowl take place if Michael Sam's team were in it. The bill isn't just anti-gay, it's anti-whatever-the-hell-you-want. If it's against your religious beliefs for people to wear hats, you can refuse service to those wearing hats. Hate women? Well good news for you. You don't have to let them live in your apartment complex. As long as you belong to a religion that hates women. Which is most of them. The NFL doesn't like the law and is using the threat of taking the Super Bowl away as a deterrent to passing it. If the Super Bowl were moved from Arizona, where it is scheduled to be played in 2015, the state would lose hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. Lawmakers in Arizona aren't scared however. They say it's the NFL that is scared. Under the law, Arizona could refuse at the last minute to let the Super Bowl take place if they wanted . One scenario where Arizona would stop the Super Bowl is if the team who drafts openly gay player, Michael Sam, were to make the Super Bowl.

High School senior is suspended because his dad is merely a lowly fisherman. David Duren-Sanner attends a prestigious high school in Tennessee. Most of the kids parents are doctors, lawyers are television celebrities. David's mom is a lawyer and that is how he got into the school. School officials assumed she was a single mother because she never mentioned a husband when enrolling David into the school. But when a man smelling of fish came to pick up David from school last month, the school grew suspicious. The school looked into it and it turns out the fishy man is David's father. The school informed David he would be suspended from the school for 10-days because of his father's job. According to the school, the only reason David wasn't expelled is because he was so close to graduating and his last name is hyphenated, so people will know that he is the son of the lawyer lady in town.

That's it. That's the news.

February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.