February 24th Edition

Jason Collins is surprisingly the same mediocre basketball player he was before announcing he was gay, doesn't try rubbing butts with other players. When Collins came out as gay a few months, he didn't have a roster spot on a team. He had played 14 season in the NBA and was never more than a serviceable player. Many assumed a team would sign Collins for the publicity alone. It took nearly two-thirds of the season to be played before a team finally gave Collins an opportunity. The New Jersey Nets signed Collins to a 10-day contract over the weekend. He played in his first game last night. Nobody expected it, but he was the same mediocre player he was during his previous years in the NBA. Everyone thought he would become a superstar after coming out as gay, or that he would forget how to dribble and just go around trying to rub butts with other players..

John Dingell says no Congressman should ever serve 60 years. Dingell has represented Michigan in Congress for over 59 years. He's finally ready to retire, but not because he can't still get the job done. "I'm still just as capable as I was when I first stepped onto the floor in 1955," said Dingell. "I've just always said, no one man should ever serve 60 years in Congress. I'm taking my own advice and stepping down. Thank you." Dingell then forget where he was and started yelling at the reporters to "get out of his house."

Uganda defends anti-gay law by pointing out that it's now illegal to have sex with minors too. Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni was met with applause after signing the bill into law. The new law nets you 14 years in jail for having gay sex. You could get life imprisonment for repeated gay sex, sex with a minor, a disabled person and someone infected with HIV. Uganda was quick to point out the sex with minors thing to critics of the law. They claim that gay thing is just a very small part of the bill. What lawmakers failed to mention is that only homosexual activity with a minor is punishable.

Comcast takes money from Netflix and ruins the Internet. This will be the beginning of the end for Internet. It'll never be the same.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts has the sniffles of cancer. Wrestling fans don't know how to react. At first they are saddened that he has cancer. Then they realize it's just knee cancer. Which sounds like a pretty weak form of cancer. Knee cancer is like the sniffles of cancers.

3-person embryo fertilization likely not to be allowed because "it's playing God." Two-person embryo fertilization to still be allowed, because that's how God is making babies. In some beakers and stuff.

USA dominates world in winning bronze medals.

WWE Network launches today, causes one guy to half-ass his news reporting. Sorry

That's it. That's the news.

February 17th Edition

BREAKING:  Stunning new report finds that bad shit is happening in North Korea. The report, performed by UN investigators, claims that massive human rights violations are occurring. One UN guy says that, "people would be shocked by what is going on there. It's even more shocking, because there was no indication that any of this was happening."

When it comes to winning bronze medals, United States is kicking ass. The United States is currently sitting in 7th place in the medal standing for this year's Winter Olympics. They have only won 4 gold and 4 silver medals. Numbers that put them on the lower end of countries that actually have a shot to win medal standings. But if one were to look past those first two columns, they would see that the US is dominating the field. The US has won a staggering 9 bronze medals. Two more than any other country. Nine is the most medals won of any color. United States Winter Olympic spokesman, Charles Smith, had this to say of the accomplishment, "We could easily be turning those bronze medals into silver or gold. We just told our athletes to hold back this year. Let the other countries know we're there, but don't show them up. That's our motto this year. We also want to make sure those sports, that only we are good at because we made them up and other countries don't really think they are sports, stay in the olympics. In those sports especially, we've made a strong effort to make sure other countries win those events this year. We've accidentally won a few of those events, but for the most part, we're doing a good job."

Despite the cold, Kardashian still inspires

George Zimmerman blames Trayvon Martin for making his life hard. In an interview with CNN, Zimmerman let it be known to everyone that he only has to answer to God. He won't answer to anyone else because he doesn't like what they have to say. He thinks God will understand him and that he had to shoot Martin. When asked if he felt any regret over killing Martin, Zimmerman said, "look, my life would be easier had I not gone out there that night. That's for certain. But so would Martin's. Martin chose to go out there that night. A place he shouldn't have been. I was just doing my responsibility as a respected community member by following him around. Both our lives would be very different had Martin not made the choices he did that night."

Kim Kardashian bravely shows New York City that it isn't too cold to show cleavage. Just as many in the City were beginning to think they would never again be able to show cleavage, Kardashian let her breasts free. "I'm just so happy that I can be an inspiration to so many," says Kardashian.

Whatever it is, it's terrible

Football player arrested, NFL asks for player to announce he's gay. Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, was arrested for what will probably turn out to be him hitting his fiancee. Upon learning of the news, the NFL sent out an e-mail to all it's players. Urging one of them to come out as gay.

Parents claim their son drew picture of all the Presidents of the United States. Keaton, 7, will tell you he was just "drawering a pictre." Ask his parents, and they'll tell you that he was drawing all of the Presidents, unprovoked. His parents say that they were unaware that he even knew what the President was. Let alone all of them. Many are claiming that Keaton just drew a picture that happened to have 43 people in it. Which is also what Keaton says.

                                           Über Racist

Stereotype of 'black people always kicking doors' is gaining steam. A university student in Canada emailed his fellow students a picture of US President Barack Obama kicking a door. Something that actually happened. The caption that accompanied the photo said, "Honestly midterms get out of here." The university forced the student to apologize for the picture when another student complained it was racist. The caption was also claimed to be racist because there was no comma in it. Many are claiming there was no comma in the caption because the student is Canadian and stupid, not racist.

Study finds that most studies find what they set out to find. Researchers were hoping to find that bullying affects children negatively and when they conducted their study, that's exactly what they found. "This is happening a lot more than you might think," says Charles Smith, who studies studies. "Last year a group of people wanted to show that having a dog is good for your happiness. That's exactly what they found. The last time a study didn't find what it wanted was in 1997."

That's it. That's the news.

February 14th Edtion

Despite several sexual assault accusations involving comedians, people still believe comics can get it any time they want from whomever they want. Everyone knows about the recent allegations that are being brought back up against Woody Allen. Everyone forgets about the allegations Bill Cosby faced in the '70s and 2004. If comedians of those caliber have to assault people to get their sex, now maybe people will stop thinking comedians get all the tail.

Russian skater withdraws from Olympics and retires, will be found dead soon. Evgeni Plushenko, 31, withdrew after he claims he hurt himself while trying to land a triple-axle. Plushenko is the only figure skater in the modern-era to win medals at four different Olympics. What years the modern-era of figure skating covers is not known. Plushenko was Russia's only chance to medal in men's figure skating. He was the only Russian in the event. Plushenko skated towards the judges after his name was announced, told them he was withdrawing and then apologized to the crowd. Most assume Plushenko will be found dead of "mysterious causes" by the end of the month.

Men in Congo trying to spread terror, succeeding. The group has confirmed that their only goal is to "spread terror." They have accomplished this by traveling about the Congo wielding machetes. So far, they have executed over 70 people. 

Topless babes

Cover models take off tops for 50th anniversary of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. See photo. 

Senators Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Mike Lee (R-Utah) attempt to slow rumors of their gay relationship. Fearing that they are soon to be discovered, the two men devised a plan to trick people into thinking they aren't gay. Cruz introduced an Anti-Gay Marriage Bill to throw people off the gay scent. The only problem is that Lee is the only co-sponsor of the bill. Senators have long thought the two were in a relationship and most are saying that this is the proof they need. Senators who agree with the Bill in theory are afraid to sponsor it for fear they will be tied into the relationship. An anonymous Senator was quoted as saying, "I don't want people thinking I'm a part of some kind of gay orgy."

Heroic horse returns Amish family to their farm before dying. We'll call the horse Hero, but it's Amish tradition to not name their horses. Hero was pulling a buggy that seated a family of five. An unidentified vehicle passed the buggy and according to the Amish family, there was a loud bang as it passed. The vehicle is only unidentified because Amish people don't know anything about cars. Rather than inspect the "firecracker like sound" the family made Hero take them the rest of the way to their farm. Hero collapsed at the farm and died. A gun shot wound to Hero's chest was found. The man charged with shooting Hero has a really stupid haircut. 

Blackface is thriving in Germany. "Still not racist," say Germans. It's yet to be seen if this is like that time they said they don't hate Jewish people. 

Florida woman accidentally lights dog on fire, husband burned saving dog. Some stupid bitch was spraying her dog for fleas and ticks. When she noticed a tick walking across the floor, she tried to burn it with a lighter. Intrigued, the dog got too close to the flame and immediately turned into a giant fireball. The lady's husband scooped up the furry fireball and jumped in the pool with the dog in hand. The couple didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet right after the incident, but they somehow came up with the money the next morning. Despite burns, dog and man are fine. The woman is pretty sure she killed the tick. 

Woman runs around naked with baby in arms, punches things and gets blood everywhere because boyfriend didn't want to have sex. It's not known if she planned on having sex with her boyfriend while also holding the baby in her arms. I apologize for calling the last lady a stupid bitch. This lady is the bitch. 

Belgium gives terminally ill children the right to die. People who don't understand the meaning of terminally ill are outraged.  

WTF?

Snow in North Carolina cause drivers to freak the fu*k out. Lady takes photo of chaos, but pretends to only be taking picture of her friend talking on the phone.

Teen's parachute malfunctions, bravely admits she was scared. Makenzie Wethington, 16, says she doesn't remember much about her skydiving experience from 3,500 feet. What she does remember is that her parachute didn't work and that she was scared. What she forgot was that some dude was strapped to her back and his parachute opened just fine.  

That's it. That's the news. 

February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.