February 28th Edition

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died. 

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016. 

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed. 

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard. 

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest. 

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.  

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News

While you were watching the debates last night, or avoiding people talking about the debates, actual news was happening. Luckily, I was there to catch it.

You guys, the day we've been waiting for has happened. It's been rumored for quite a few months that this tape existed. Now we have the tape. The Hulk Hogan sex tape we've all wanted to see is real. It's 30 minutes long. Go here to see a 1 minute clip of all the best parts, or you can skip past the video and read a synopsis of the video. Needless to say, don't go there if you are at work, or a normal person. But if you like hearing Hulk Hogan talk about how he feels like a pig because he just ate so much AND seeing his penis, click away.

Hillary taking it all in

Christina Aguilera wins George McGovern Leadership Award. Aguilera did nothing to win the award. Hillary Clinton, who hosted the awards, has always wanted to meet Aguilera and has never gotten the opportunity. "I've admired her for years," says the former first lady. "The voice, the breasts... she has it all. I took this opportunity to take it all in."

Chris Brown hits his girlfriend to pursue Rihanna. The spat Brown and Rihanna got into that resulted in Brown striking Rihanna is well documented. It's also well documented that the two have been spotted canoodling as of late. Word on the street is that the two are getting back together. There was one stumbling block to this happening. Brown was dating Karrueche Tran. So to pursue Rihanna, he got out of that relationship the only way he knows how. "I didn't want to be an asshole and date the two women at the same time," says Brown. "I'm too much of a man to play two women like that, so I broke things off with Karrueche by punching her in the face." Friends of Brown say that's the only way he knows how to breakup with someone.

Snooki and her large head

Pictures of Snooki, with no makeup on, leak. Experts say the leaked photos will be damaging to the career of Snooki. "The pictures are grotesque," says Jim Richards, a big Hollywood expert guy. "Their is no doubt that Snooki's PR team is working hard to try and clean this mess up and sweep it under the rug." Snooki claims she leaked the pictures on her Instagram account. "Can't be true," says Richards. "Releasing those pictures would be career suicide. Someone released them without her knowledge." Richards ended the interview to throw up.

Boxer Orlando Cruz keeps the streak alive. Gay men coming out of the closet is nothing new, but Cruz almost made history when he come out of the closet. When rumors started to circulate last week that Cruz was going to announce that he is a 'content gay man,' the gay community feared that their streak may be in jeopardy. In the history of gay men coming out, not one has come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' In the end, Cruz came out as a 'proud gay man' at a press conference earlier today. When asked about the rumors Cruz said, "I'm ashamed that even happened. I was just having a rough day. I never intended to come out as anything other than a 'proud gay man.' The 'content gay man' comment was something I said out of frustration. I regret that I put the gay community through this ordeal."

Austin, Texas has the reputation of being a little island of Texas. A liberal island surrounded by conservative waters. Today, students at the University of Texas at Austin took it upon themselves to show that this just isn't true. They threw balloons filled with bleach at African-American students. Jamilah Beene, a black gentleman, said of the attack, "It's sad this happened and that it appears racism is behind the attack. They were actually really nice about it though. That's the thing about Austin. People here are really nice. Before the balloons started being thrown they said, 'hey you guys, we're going to start throwing these balloons at you because you are black. Oh, and they are filled with bleach.' They didn't start throwing the balloons until they after they let us know what was going on. So that was cool."

Boston Red Sox finally fire Bobby Valentine. Talk of Valentine's firing began even before he was hired to be the teams manager. Throughout the season, all talk involving the Red Sox centered around why Valentine hadn't been fired yet. Now that the season is over, Valentine has finally been fired. "We meant to fire Bobby clear back in May," said Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington. "We had done all the paperwork and everything. Then we lost the paperwork. We looked everywhere for it. We could have filled out different paperwork, but you have to get all these signatures and the signatures we needed were already on the paperwork we lost. It would have been too much of a hassle to get all those signatures again. Our season is over now, so I was cleaning up my office today and the paperwork showed up. And now Bobby is no longer working with the Red Sox. I never gave up looking for those papers. Persistance pays."

That's it. That's the news.