February 24th Edition

Jason Collins is surprisingly the same mediocre basketball player he was before announcing he was gay, doesn't try rubbing butts with other players. When Collins came out as gay a few months, he didn't have a roster spot on a team. He had played 14 season in the NBA and was never more than a serviceable player. Many assumed a team would sign Collins for the publicity alone. It took nearly two-thirds of the season to be played before a team finally gave Collins an opportunity. The New Jersey Nets signed Collins to a 10-day contract over the weekend. He played in his first game last night. Nobody expected it, but he was the same mediocre player he was during his previous years in the NBA. Everyone thought he would become a superstar after coming out as gay, or that he would forget how to dribble and just go around trying to rub butts with other players..

John Dingell says no Congressman should ever serve 60 years. Dingell has represented Michigan in Congress for over 59 years. He's finally ready to retire, but not because he can't still get the job done. "I'm still just as capable as I was when I first stepped onto the floor in 1955," said Dingell. "I've just always said, no one man should ever serve 60 years in Congress. I'm taking my own advice and stepping down. Thank you." Dingell then forget where he was and started yelling at the reporters to "get out of his house."

Uganda defends anti-gay law by pointing out that it's now illegal to have sex with minors too. Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni was met with applause after signing the bill into law. The new law nets you 14 years in jail for having gay sex. You could get life imprisonment for repeated gay sex, sex with a minor, a disabled person and someone infected with HIV. Uganda was quick to point out the sex with minors thing to critics of the law. They claim that gay thing is just a very small part of the bill. What lawmakers failed to mention is that only homosexual activity with a minor is punishable.

Comcast takes money from Netflix and ruins the Internet. This will be the beginning of the end for Internet. It'll never be the same.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts has the sniffles of cancer. Wrestling fans don't know how to react. At first they are saddened that he has cancer. Then they realize it's just knee cancer. Which sounds like a pretty weak form of cancer. Knee cancer is like the sniffles of cancers.

3-person embryo fertilization likely not to be allowed because "it's playing God." Two-person embryo fertilization to still be allowed, because that's how God is making babies. In some beakers and stuff.

USA dominates world in winning bronze medals.

WWE Network launches today, causes one guy to half-ass his news reporting. Sorry

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: Special Report

When NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay Monday morning, everyone assumed that his twin brother was already aware of the Jason's sexual orientation. Jarron was not.

Jason and Jarron have been twins their entire lives. They were even born on the same day. Until they both reached the NBA in 2001, they had always played on the same basketball team. Always rooming together at home and on road trips. They were roommates during their playing days at Stanford. The Collins twins have always been close, but Jason had been keeping a secret from not only the world, but his brother Jarron as well.

"I'm really happy for Jason," says Jarron. "I'm glad he can finally be true to himself. I just wish he felt he could have told me. It hurts a little bit."

"I can see why maybe he felt he couldn't tell me," says Jarron. "I was always trying to get him to hook up with chicks. Especially back at Stanford. I was always bringing back chicks and bedding them. I'd always have my ladies bring their friends over for Jason. Looking back, I guess I should have known something was up. The only thing my brother ever did with the ladies was bake stuff. Cookies, cakes, pies, muffins... He even made a soufflé once. The stuff was so damn good that I never asked him why he only baked stuff with the ladies I brought over for him. Maybe baking was a very sensual experience for him."

"The biggest clue should have come the day I got married. Jason was my best man, of course. Right before the wedding I told him that it was his turn to get married next. Then I'll get divorced and it would be my turn again. We both laughed and he told me he couldn't get married. It's illegal. I just assumed Jason was a player and wanted to marry more than one woman.  Now, I get it. And honey, I was just joking about that divorce thing."

"We still haven't talked about it. We've talked on the phone four times since the article came out. Neither of us has brought it up. I guess we don't really need to. It doesn't change anything between us. He's still my brother. Maybe I should stop trying so hard to set him up with Brenda, but other than that, nothing has to change."