Marty and The News

Here we go. It's news time. Start reading now.

Woman claims she was singled out by TSA, blames hairstyle. When Dana Oliver was singled out for a random search airport security, she had no one to blame but herself. "It had to be the hair," said Oliver.  During the pat down, Oliver claims that the gentlemen performing the search squeezed her butt. She also blamed the squeeze on the hair. Never once did she acknowledge that maybe the guy performing the search thought that she was attractive and that her booty was fly and used his positon to have her pulled out of line.

Before PSY was pretending to ride horses, he was telling America that they suck. In quite possibly the worst YouTube video of all time (the video being bad has nothing to do with PSY being in it, just watch it if you want to see why), South Korean rapper PSY is seen holding a tank over his head and throwing it to the ground. Not a full size tank. He then smashes it to pieces. It's a pretty generic looking tank. Nothing innately American looking about it. Could just be an anti-tank/war song, but since most Americans think we are the only ones with tanks, it's an American tank. One of the lyrics in the song is, "kill those f--king Yankees." No one is giving PSY the benefit of a doubt with that lyric. Even though it's a well known fact that his is a Red Sox fan.

Homeless people prove that they want to be homeless. Despite an effort to make more homeless shelters available to the homeless, the homeless rate hasn't moved. Charles Smith had this to say. "I know this guy that got sent to one of those homeless shelters. He just waited until they thought he was asleep and then climbed out the window. He was back at his bridge in a few hours. Most of these homeless guys want to be homeless."

Miley Cyrus being Pink in black

No one pays attention to Miley Cyrus as she slowly turns into Pink.

South Africa rethinks their hospital policy. It's standard procedure to not admit people into South African hospitals that are still able to speak. Lawmakers in South Africa may change this policy after what happened to Nelson Mandela. Mandela, 94, has been in quite poor health for a while now. His family and friends have been trying to get him into a hospital for a few months. The only problem was the Mandela was still able to speak. Mandela stopped speaking the other day and was finally admitted to the hospital. Some say it's all a rouse and that he can still speak. He's just using his postion to be admitted into the hospital. Friends of Mandela say it's a miracle that he stopped speaking. "If he were still speaking," says friend of Mandela, "he'd be dead." 

Kiam Moriya to turn 12. Moriya thinks it's a big deal that he is turning 12 because he was born on December 12, 2000 at 12:12 p.m.  That would mean he's turning 12 on 12/12/12 at 12:12 p.m. Moriya's teacher says he thinks he's hot shit because of it. "He used to be the biggest loser in the class. Last month he started telling everyone about how his birthday was going to be all 12s. The kids all thought this was cool. It's not cool. I plan on teaching the kids about Military time on December 13th. To show him and the class that his birthday isn't really all 12s. Then it will be back to spit-wads and wedgies for Kiam. That kid sucks and his name is stupid."

Irresponsible toddler leaves lets go of dog's leash to splash around in a puddle. Davis Lange, 3, was walking his dog, Rufus, when they duo came across a puddle. Lange dropped the dog's leash and started splashing in the puddle. Police have issued the toddler a ticket. "I know the boy is only 3, but we can't let this kind of thing go unpunished. What he did is just irresponsible. Dog owners need to have their dogs on a leash and be holding that leash at all times when out in public. For the safety of the dog and everyone in the vicinity. The dog did just stand there and watch the boy play in the puddle, but who's to say that'll be the case next time."

What do you think? Do you think the police made the right decision? Watch the video and leave a comment.

Boy doesn't get the toy he wanted for his birthday, donates all the presents he did get in hopes that someone will get him the presents he wanted as a reward for his generosity. Chase Branscum, 12, got hundreds of presents for his birthday, but not one of them was what he really wanted. In an act of generosity, Branscum donated everything he received to Toys for Tots. "I have toys," says Bransum. "I don't have a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy, but I have toys. Those kids deserve to have toys to play with. I just know those kids are going to have so much fun with the toys. The toys will bring them so much joy. The same kind of joy I'd get from a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy."

Monkey in puffy coat shops at IKEA. It's not known what the monkey was looking for. Despite IKEA having everything, the monkey left the store with nothing. He looked quite perturbed and frantic as he left the store.  

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

NEWS TIME!!!! !! !

This picture was cool. Now it's just lame.

Last week I reported on the photobombing stingray. This week we have the backstory behind this photo has come out. No one asked for the backstory, or was wanting it, but now we have it. The backstory on this probably should not have come out. It's not interesting and makes the picture less interesting.

Country singer mistakingly thinks that being caught cheating would disappoint his fans. Country fans like and expect this kind of thing.

One of those is a dude.

It's 'Miss Bum Bum' time in Brazil. The annual pageant is getting started in Brazil and I'm looking for a reason to post a picture of butts.

Amazon in trouble for selling a puzzle.


PBS surprised to learn that Jerry Lewis is still alive. "I was just sitting in my office," says one PBS executive. "I received a call from a man claiming to be Jerry Lewis. 'No really. Who is this?' I said. I thought Jerry died four years ago. He wants to do some thing in Vegas. I don't really know what it is. I told him that I thought he was dead, but we'd be happy to do it."

Gay-to-straight conversion therapy now banned in California. One group says that the ban doesn't go far enough. Leader of that group, Bill Darrelson, spoke out against the ban. "Unless this ban includes straight-to-gay conversions, it shouldn't be passed," he says. "What's stopping one of these gays from becoming a teacher and turing my boy into one of them? Gays are notorious for this kind of thing. My friend Larry met a gay at a bar, a straight bar that a gay shouldn't be at I might add. Now Larry is a faggot."

Boy Scouts of America, once again, prove they are a superior people when compared to your average American. They are now going to notify the police of pedophiles. Something the rest of America has not been doing.

Bus drivers in San Antonio attempt double-suicide. School bus drivers Mike Jeffers and Larry Kline were done with life. They couldn't deal with. They were especially fed up with the kids on their school bus and their low pay. The two men planned on racing their buses towards each other in hopes that the impact would kill both of them. Mike Jeffers survived the crash. Larry Kline was so lucky. "Larry is a lucky guy," said Jeffers.

Americans getting better at child abuse. "It used to be that kids would just get a few bruises," says Dr. John Leventhal of Yale University. "Now we are seeing a rise in the number of kids that have to be hospitalized due to injuries they sustain from child abuse. We've got a long way to go to catch other countries as far as child abuse is concerned, but we are headed in the right direction."

Ron Wallace has no fear of retribution for his record. 

Pumpkin records are falling left and right. In the time span of just five days, the world record for the heaviest pumpkin, fell not once, but twice. "This type of thing is unprecedented in the pumpkin world," said a pumpkin weighing judge who wished to remain anonymous for fear that their may be retribution for the records.

Original picture on the left. What appeared in the catalogue on the right.

Ikea removes woman from catalogue. In a move that has child safety enthusiasts everywhere up in arms, Ikea has taken a woman out of one of the pictures in their latest catalogue. "That kid really shouldn't be using that sink unsupervised like that," says child safety expert Julie Bond. "It's a shame to see Ikea act so irresponsibly."


That's it. That's the news.