Sunday Edition

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying  away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it. 

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her. 

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied. 

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here is news.

The Royal Balding

World is shocked to learn that Kate Middleton is pregnant and one newspapers editor is fired for using a non-royal related pun. Middleton, of 'being married to that balding Prince' fame, was taken to the hospital for acute morning sickness. It was announced that she was pregnant shortly after her hospital visit. The pregnancy has quickly been dubbed the Royal Pregnancy. Middleton's bout with acute morning sickness has been dubbed the Royal Morning Sickness. Although one small town newspaper's editor went with the headline, 'Acute Morning Sickness, More Like A-Cute Morning Sickness'. He was appropriately fired and thrown out of the country. In the hospital, Middleton had to be given water and nutrients. That has become known as the Royal Supplementation or Royal Hydration. Most were shocked to learn of the pregnancy, because there hasn't been any reports of Royal Sexual Intercourse ever taking place.

Supreme Court still has nothing to about same-sex marriage. In public, that is. Behind closed doors, same-sex marriage is all they talk about and do. They are always same-sex marrying people and each other. Stephen Breyer has been married to Thurgood Marshall for about a year. Same with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor. Clarence Thomas was engaged to Anthony Kennedy and Antonin Scalia and John Paul Stephens had been dating for nearly six years, but then Scalia cheated with Thomas. Both Kennedy and Stephens have sworn off dating because of the incident. Scalia and Thomas are set to be wed next month. The only straight one out of the bunch is Samuel Alito. He doesn't date either though, because his heart was also broken. He's loved Ginsburg for years. He even tried to stop the wedding of Ginsburg and Sotomayor during the ceremony. I think I got all of them.

Slow year for celebrity sex tapes as Octomom is nominated for 'Best Celebrity sex tape'.

Homeless guy thinks this is worth milions

Homeless man doesn't understand how the Internet works. Jeffrey Hillman has been homeless for for than 10 years. When a police officer spotted him on the street a few weeks ago, he noticed Hillman was barefoot. The officer went to a shoe store and bought Hillman a $100 pair of boots. Hillman refuses to wear the boots, because he says he would be killed for them. He says he has them hidden somewhere. A photo of the officer giving the boots to Hillman was taken. The photo was posted online and has gone viral. "I was put on YouTube," Hillman said. "I was put on everything without permission. What do I get? This went around the world, and I want a piece of the pie." What he doesn't realize is that the boots he was given are worth roughly 10,000 times more than the amount of money that was generated by the photo being on the Internet. Those 600,000 likes on Facebook aren't worth anything. He was also never put on YouTube, unless you count news stories. He also shouldn't know what YouTube is. He was homeless when it became a thing.

That's it. That's the news.