February 14th Edtion

Despite several sexual assault accusations involving comedians, people still believe comics can get it any time they want from whomever they want. Everyone knows about the recent allegations that are being brought back up against Woody Allen. Everyone forgets about the allegations Bill Cosby faced in the '70s and 2004. If comedians of those caliber have to assault people to get their sex, now maybe people will stop thinking comedians get all the tail.

Russian skater withdraws from Olympics and retires, will be found dead soon. Evgeni Plushenko, 31, withdrew after he claims he hurt himself while trying to land a triple-axle. Plushenko is the only figure skater in the modern-era to win medals at four different Olympics. What years the modern-era of figure skating covers is not known. Plushenko was Russia's only chance to medal in men's figure skating. He was the only Russian in the event. Plushenko skated towards the judges after his name was announced, told them he was withdrawing and then apologized to the crowd. Most assume Plushenko will be found dead of "mysterious causes" by the end of the month.

Men in Congo trying to spread terror, succeeding. The group has confirmed that their only goal is to "spread terror." They have accomplished this by traveling about the Congo wielding machetes. So far, they have executed over 70 people. 

Topless babes

Cover models take off tops for 50th anniversary of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. See photo. 

Senators Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Mike Lee (R-Utah) attempt to slow rumors of their gay relationship. Fearing that they are soon to be discovered, the two men devised a plan to trick people into thinking they aren't gay. Cruz introduced an Anti-Gay Marriage Bill to throw people off the gay scent. The only problem is that Lee is the only co-sponsor of the bill. Senators have long thought the two were in a relationship and most are saying that this is the proof they need. Senators who agree with the Bill in theory are afraid to sponsor it for fear they will be tied into the relationship. An anonymous Senator was quoted as saying, "I don't want people thinking I'm a part of some kind of gay orgy."

Heroic horse returns Amish family to their farm before dying. We'll call the horse Hero, but it's Amish tradition to not name their horses. Hero was pulling a buggy that seated a family of five. An unidentified vehicle passed the buggy and according to the Amish family, there was a loud bang as it passed. The vehicle is only unidentified because Amish people don't know anything about cars. Rather than inspect the "firecracker like sound" the family made Hero take them the rest of the way to their farm. Hero collapsed at the farm and died. A gun shot wound to Hero's chest was found. The man charged with shooting Hero has a really stupid haircut. 

Blackface is thriving in Germany. "Still not racist," say Germans. It's yet to be seen if this is like that time they said they don't hate Jewish people. 

Florida woman accidentally lights dog on fire, husband burned saving dog. Some stupid bitch was spraying her dog for fleas and ticks. When she noticed a tick walking across the floor, she tried to burn it with a lighter. Intrigued, the dog got too close to the flame and immediately turned into a giant fireball. The lady's husband scooped up the furry fireball and jumped in the pool with the dog in hand. The couple didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet right after the incident, but they somehow came up with the money the next morning. Despite burns, dog and man are fine. The woman is pretty sure she killed the tick. 

Woman runs around naked with baby in arms, punches things and gets blood everywhere because boyfriend didn't want to have sex. It's not known if she planned on having sex with her boyfriend while also holding the baby in her arms. I apologize for calling the last lady a stupid bitch. This lady is the bitch. 

Belgium gives terminally ill children the right to die. People who don't understand the meaning of terminally ill are outraged.  

WTF?

Snow in North Carolina cause drivers to freak the fu*k out. Lady takes photo of chaos, but pretends to only be taking picture of her friend talking on the phone.

Teen's parachute malfunctions, bravely admits she was scared. Makenzie Wethington, 16, says she doesn't remember much about her skydiving experience from 3,500 feet. What she does remember is that her parachute didn't work and that she was scared. What she forgot was that some dude was strapped to her back and his parachute opened just fine.  

That's it. That's the news. 

Marty and The News: August 8th Edition

Sean Hannity bumped for hot chick. Rumor has it, Megyn Kelly will be moving from her daytime spot to Hannity's primetime spot. No word yet on what will happen with Hannity's show. Most TV pundits say the move is being made because Kelly is hotter than Hannity. It's reminiscent of Alan Colmes being asked to leave the show he used to be on with Hannity because he is 'off-putting.' When asked if he had heard the rumor, Hannity said, "Who? That bitch that can't spell Megyn?"

Cory Monteith was hanging out with sober friends when he died. The Glee star was loaded with a combination of alcohol and heroin when he died, but the three friends he was with were completely sober. The three friends he was with that night are described as 'positive influences' in his life. Had those positive influences not been around, Monteith likely would have taken more drugs that night. Luckily, his 'good' friends were around to tell him that he'd had enough. He died 20 minutes later.

Bowser once danced as a ManiAAC.

Man suspected of killing four is former Dallas Mavericks ManiAACs dancer, also has last name of Mario Brothers villain. Erbie Bowser is suspected of killing four people, at two different locations. Family of Bowser say he was looking for his girlfriend at both locations. He didn't find her, so he shot people instead. Along with four people being killed, four were injured. Those numbers are consistent with the man's namesake from Mario Brothers. Bowser only kills about 50% of the time and leaves people injured the other 50%. Law experts say his last name could hurt him if this goes to trial. "People already associate Bowser with evil," says lawyer Charles Smith. "The defense team is going to have a hard time with that." There are no winners in a case like this, but that didn't stop Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban from saying there is. "No one knew the ManiAACs even existed before this," said Cuban. "This is great."

Man 'probably will' be dumped after killing girlfriend's son. Peter Hendy is accused of killing 4-year-old Kamari Zavon Taylor. Hendy reportedly disciplined Taylor for riding his scooter too far away from the house by punching him in the stomach several times. The boy's liver was lacerated from the punches and led to his death. Hendy left the house to sell marijuana and came back to find the boy dead. The boy's mom, and Hendy's girlfriend, was at work at the time of the incident. The boy's grandma, Azlea Taylor, says she hopes her daughter will dump Hendy this time. Azlea has wanted her daughther to dump Hendy for some time. She doesn't know for sure that she will this time, but says 'she probably will.'

Florida police use Taser to shoot and kill 18-year-old. Israel Hernandez-Llach was spray painting an abandoned fast-food joint when police spotted him. No word yet on which fast-food joint it used to be. It was probably a Subway. Subways are always going out of business. Police say Hernandez-Llach started running towards them, so an officer shot him in the chest with a Taser. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Friends of Hernandez-Llach say he was from Columbia and liked art.

Youth baseball coach convicted of assault and sent to jail for 15 days for being a terrible pitcher. When parents of teenagers in Ellis County, Texas began to notice that their children were returning from baseball practice with several bruises, they grew suspicious. Some of the parents began spying on the practices. What they found was a terrible pitcher. Coach Ron Santos repeatedly hit his players with pitches. The pitches ranged in speeds of 60-80 MPH. After each bad pitch, Santos looked distraught. He was heard yelling at himself after hitting one player in the chest with a pitch."Come on Santos! Get it together! You're better than this shit!" Along with jail time, Santos must pay a fine, be under community supervision and produce a video on the dangers of being hit by a pitch. He is also not allowed to pitch to anyone for a full year. Which isn't going to make him a better pitcher.

Only two Wizard of Oz munchkins left. Margaret Pellegrini is the latest Munchkin to die. The original Wizard of Oz had 124 Munchkins. Jerry Maren and Ruth Duccini are the only two Munchkins left. Vegas has Duccini outliving Maren at 8-1 odds.



That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

One look at the news these days and you are bombarded with political banter. Like a real American, you decided who you were going to vote for 6 years ago. You just want the news. That's why I'm here. To give it to you. Give it to you good.

Girl tries to auction off her virginity, only to find no takers. Catarina Migliorini thought she had stumbled across a good get-rich-quick scheme when she decided to auction off her virginity. What she received is a blow to her ego. To spare humiliation, Migliorini has convinced her self that, despite the stereotype, men just don't want the pressure of being 'first.' "That's only partially true," says virginity expert Chuck Ramon. "While it's true that the stereotype of men wanting to deflower someone is grossly exaggerated, that's only a very small reason why there are no takers for Catarina. To be blunt, the fact of the matter is that she just isn't attractive."

Boy finds mammoth in backyard. Evgeny Salinder is only 11, but his newest playmate is 30,000 years old. Salinder came across the mammoth remains while playing in his backyard in Northern Russia. It's assumed his house is also in Northern Russia. After naming the mammoth Clark, the two spent the next few days playing a game Salinder called 'Evgeny and Clark'. "Clark was fun," said Salinder. "We played baseball, wrestled and hopscotched." Salinder eventually tired of his new friend and told his parents of his discovery. His parents called scientists. "This is a very rare find," says science guy Alexei Tikhonov. "The boy destroyed the thing though. He's rendered this thing useless. We could have learned a lot about this particular mammoth and mammoths in general. If I ever see this kid, I'm going to give him a stern talking to."

Gay teen, Ryan Andersen, claims he has been denied his Eagle Scout Award because he is gay. Boy Scouts of America claims Andersen hasn't gotten all the required merit badges for a boy in his situation. The Boy Scouts of America have released a statement.

We made this deal with gays a few years ago. They could be Eagle Scouts and/or leaders, but they have to get our new 'fag' merit badge. Despite it's name, it has nothing to do with them being gay. It's actually really easy to get. You just have to go gather a bunch of sticks. It's a really good skill to have if you are planning to build a fire. We made this badge so that we know who is really in scouting for the right reason. What's to stop a disgruntled gay from infiltrating our organization and taking it down from the inside? With this 'fag' merit badge, we can see who is really all about scouting and what it stands for. Ryan refuses to get the merit badge and that is why he won't be receiving his Eagle. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. That's it. End of discussion."

While is easy to get, you really do just gather a couple of sticks, it does have it's differences from other merit badges. Merit badges, usually are displayed on a sash, that is worn by the scout who has received said badge. Typically, the badge has a picture on it that represents the skill that was learned to earn the badge. For example, the canoeing merit badge has a picture of a canoe on it. The 'fag' merit badge is just a badge that says 'fag'. It is also considerably larger than the other merit badges. It is also not to be displayed on the merit badge sash, like other badges. Proper placement of the 'fag' merit badge, calls for it to be displayed on you scouting uniform and placed where the Eagle Scout badge is placed. The 'fag' merit badge is to be placed over the Eagle Scout badge. All of this can be found in the Boy Scout uniform handbook.

Dickhead wildlife officials in Florida put an end to alligators at kid's pool parties. Having alligators at your kid's pool party had become quite the fad in southern Florida. Officials have put an and to that, saying that it is 'too dangerous'. "It's a shame," says Michael Friedman, who has had several 'gator parties' for his children. "Everyone has been having the parties recently. Only six kids have been bitten. Six. There are literally dozen of kids in this neighborhood and only six have been bitten. Of those, only one of them died as result of being bitten. No one really liked having him at the parties anyways because his family is poor. For them to decide that the parties are dangerous is unjustified."

Police, who observed a car drive into the harbor, are 'shocked' when the lifeless bodies of three women are discovered in the car. One of the policemen, Grant Lowe, described the situation.

Me and two of my police buddies were headed to Denny's to get some breakfast. We saw this car just go into the harbor. We assumed no one was in the car. Who in their right mind would just drive into the harbor? There is also a small hill that leads into the harbor. We came to the conclusion that someone had just forgotten to use their park brake and the unoccupied car had rolled into the harbor. We were all fairly hungry. If we called the car in, we'd have to wait at the scene until other people arrived. So we decided to wait until after we ate to call it in. We had such a good time at Denny's. We were there for nearly four hours. We called in the car and waited at the scene. We had bets on whether or not our park brake theory would prove to be correct. It was then that we saw three dead bodies being pulled from the car. We were shocked. Had we known that there were people in the car, we certainly wouldn't have wasted all that time by going to Denny's. We would have just gone to Dunkin Donuts and then called it in.

 Linda Hogan, ex-wife of the great Hulk Hogan, happens to get DUI on the same day the Hulk Hogan sex tape is released. The two are in no way related.

Canadian economy on it's way to becoming stable again after 600 barrels of missing syrup are found.

That's it. That's the news.