February 17th Edition

BREAKING:  Stunning new report finds that bad shit is happening in North Korea. The report, performed by UN investigators, claims that massive human rights violations are occurring. One UN guy says that, "people would be shocked by what is going on there. It's even more shocking, because there was no indication that any of this was happening."

When it comes to winning bronze medals, United States is kicking ass. The United States is currently sitting in 7th place in the medal standing for this year's Winter Olympics. They have only won 4 gold and 4 silver medals. Numbers that put them on the lower end of countries that actually have a shot to win medal standings. But if one were to look past those first two columns, they would see that the US is dominating the field. The US has won a staggering 9 bronze medals. Two more than any other country. Nine is the most medals won of any color. United States Winter Olympic spokesman, Charles Smith, had this to say of the accomplishment, "We could easily be turning those bronze medals into silver or gold. We just told our athletes to hold back this year. Let the other countries know we're there, but don't show them up. That's our motto this year. We also want to make sure those sports, that only we are good at because we made them up and other countries don't really think they are sports, stay in the olympics. In those sports especially, we've made a strong effort to make sure other countries win those events this year. We've accidentally won a few of those events, but for the most part, we're doing a good job."

Despite the cold, Kardashian still inspires

George Zimmerman blames Trayvon Martin for making his life hard. In an interview with CNN, Zimmerman let it be known to everyone that he only has to answer to God. He won't answer to anyone else because he doesn't like what they have to say. He thinks God will understand him and that he had to shoot Martin. When asked if he felt any regret over killing Martin, Zimmerman said, "look, my life would be easier had I not gone out there that night. That's for certain. But so would Martin's. Martin chose to go out there that night. A place he shouldn't have been. I was just doing my responsibility as a respected community member by following him around. Both our lives would be very different had Martin not made the choices he did that night."

Kim Kardashian bravely shows New York City that it isn't too cold to show cleavage. Just as many in the City were beginning to think they would never again be able to show cleavage, Kardashian let her breasts free. "I'm just so happy that I can be an inspiration to so many," says Kardashian.

Whatever it is, it's terrible

Football player arrested, NFL asks for player to announce he's gay. Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, was arrested for what will probably turn out to be him hitting his fiancee. Upon learning of the news, the NFL sent out an e-mail to all it's players. Urging one of them to come out as gay.

Parents claim their son drew picture of all the Presidents of the United States. Keaton, 7, will tell you he was just "drawering a pictre." Ask his parents, and they'll tell you that he was drawing all of the Presidents, unprovoked. His parents say that they were unaware that he even knew what the President was. Let alone all of them. Many are claiming that Keaton just drew a picture that happened to have 43 people in it. Which is also what Keaton says.

                                           Über Racist

Stereotype of 'black people always kicking doors' is gaining steam. A university student in Canada emailed his fellow students a picture of US President Barack Obama kicking a door. Something that actually happened. The caption that accompanied the photo said, "Honestly midterms get out of here." The university forced the student to apologize for the picture when another student complained it was racist. The caption was also claimed to be racist because there was no comma in it. Many are claiming there was no comma in the caption because the student is Canadian and stupid, not racist.

Study finds that most studies find what they set out to find. Researchers were hoping to find that bullying affects children negatively and when they conducted their study, that's exactly what they found. "This is happening a lot more than you might think," says Charles Smith, who studies studies. "Last year a group of people wanted to show that having a dog is good for your happiness. That's exactly what they found. The last time a study didn't find what it wanted was in 1997."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

One look at the news these days and you are bombarded with political banter. Like a real American, you decided who you were going to vote for 6 years ago. You just want the news. That's why I'm here. To give it to you. Give it to you good.

Girl tries to auction off her virginity, only to find no takers. Catarina Migliorini thought she had stumbled across a good get-rich-quick scheme when she decided to auction off her virginity. What she received is a blow to her ego. To spare humiliation, Migliorini has convinced her self that, despite the stereotype, men just don't want the pressure of being 'first.' "That's only partially true," says virginity expert Chuck Ramon. "While it's true that the stereotype of men wanting to deflower someone is grossly exaggerated, that's only a very small reason why there are no takers for Catarina. To be blunt, the fact of the matter is that she just isn't attractive."

Boy finds mammoth in backyard. Evgeny Salinder is only 11, but his newest playmate is 30,000 years old. Salinder came across the mammoth remains while playing in his backyard in Northern Russia. It's assumed his house is also in Northern Russia. After naming the mammoth Clark, the two spent the next few days playing a game Salinder called 'Evgeny and Clark'. "Clark was fun," said Salinder. "We played baseball, wrestled and hopscotched." Salinder eventually tired of his new friend and told his parents of his discovery. His parents called scientists. "This is a very rare find," says science guy Alexei Tikhonov. "The boy destroyed the thing though. He's rendered this thing useless. We could have learned a lot about this particular mammoth and mammoths in general. If I ever see this kid, I'm going to give him a stern talking to."

Gay teen, Ryan Andersen, claims he has been denied his Eagle Scout Award because he is gay. Boy Scouts of America claims Andersen hasn't gotten all the required merit badges for a boy in his situation. The Boy Scouts of America have released a statement.

We made this deal with gays a few years ago. They could be Eagle Scouts and/or leaders, but they have to get our new 'fag' merit badge. Despite it's name, it has nothing to do with them being gay. It's actually really easy to get. You just have to go gather a bunch of sticks. It's a really good skill to have if you are planning to build a fire. We made this badge so that we know who is really in scouting for the right reason. What's to stop a disgruntled gay from infiltrating our organization and taking it down from the inside? With this 'fag' merit badge, we can see who is really all about scouting and what it stands for. Ryan refuses to get the merit badge and that is why he won't be receiving his Eagle. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. That's it. End of discussion."

While is easy to get, you really do just gather a couple of sticks, it does have it's differences from other merit badges. Merit badges, usually are displayed on a sash, that is worn by the scout who has received said badge. Typically, the badge has a picture on it that represents the skill that was learned to earn the badge. For example, the canoeing merit badge has a picture of a canoe on it. The 'fag' merit badge is just a badge that says 'fag'. It is also considerably larger than the other merit badges. It is also not to be displayed on the merit badge sash, like other badges. Proper placement of the 'fag' merit badge, calls for it to be displayed on you scouting uniform and placed where the Eagle Scout badge is placed. The 'fag' merit badge is to be placed over the Eagle Scout badge. All of this can be found in the Boy Scout uniform handbook.

Dickhead wildlife officials in Florida put an end to alligators at kid's pool parties. Having alligators at your kid's pool party had become quite the fad in southern Florida. Officials have put an and to that, saying that it is 'too dangerous'. "It's a shame," says Michael Friedman, who has had several 'gator parties' for his children. "Everyone has been having the parties recently. Only six kids have been bitten. Six. There are literally dozen of kids in this neighborhood and only six have been bitten. Of those, only one of them died as result of being bitten. No one really liked having him at the parties anyways because his family is poor. For them to decide that the parties are dangerous is unjustified."

Police, who observed a car drive into the harbor, are 'shocked' when the lifeless bodies of three women are discovered in the car. One of the policemen, Grant Lowe, described the situation.

Me and two of my police buddies were headed to Denny's to get some breakfast. We saw this car just go into the harbor. We assumed no one was in the car. Who in their right mind would just drive into the harbor? There is also a small hill that leads into the harbor. We came to the conclusion that someone had just forgotten to use their park brake and the unoccupied car had rolled into the harbor. We were all fairly hungry. If we called the car in, we'd have to wait at the scene until other people arrived. So we decided to wait until after we ate to call it in. We had such a good time at Denny's. We were there for nearly four hours. We called in the car and waited at the scene. We had bets on whether or not our park brake theory would prove to be correct. It was then that we saw three dead bodies being pulled from the car. We were shocked. Had we known that there were people in the car, we certainly wouldn't have wasted all that time by going to Denny's. We would have just gone to Dunkin Donuts and then called it in.

 Linda Hogan, ex-wife of the great Hulk Hogan, happens to get DUI on the same day the Hulk Hogan sex tape is released. The two are in no way related.

Canadian economy on it's way to becoming stable again after 600 barrels of missing syrup are found.

That's it. That's the news.