February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 1st Edition

Larry Summers hates women. Summers appears to be the prospective nominee for the Federal Reserve Chair. Summers has come under fire for sexist remarks he has said in the past. The biggest red flag of Summers' sexism is the fact that he won't step back and let a woman have the Federal Reserve Chair. Women first, Larry.

Cleveland kidnapper, Ariel Castro, apologizes, poorly, for kidnapping people. "I'm not a monster," said Castro, in front of a packed courtroom. "A lot of harmony (was) going on." Castro went on to say that he is not a violent person. He says he never beat or tortured any of the women. While not all of the sex was consensual, he claims that most of it was. "I simply kept them there without them being able to leave." Castro was also hurt to learn that his home has been torn down. "I had so many beautiful memories there with Amanda." Amanda, one of his victims, says there was no beautiful memories. Castro also admitted to being addicted to porn. It's not known why he admitted to this. It didn't help his case whatsoever. He was sentenced to life in prison. And just in case he outlives his life, 1,000 more years were tacked on.

New hair, same boobs

Sofia Vergara changes hair color, keeps big boobs. Fashion experts are split as to whether or not the hair change was a good or bad move, but they all agree that she did the right thing by keeping the boobs the same. "No one is really looking at her hair anyways," says fashion expert Charles Smith, "so the change doesn't really matter."

In an unexpected twist, Glee writes the Finn Hudson character off of the show. Finn has been a fan favorite ever since the first episode of Glee. The decision to remove him from the show has taken many off guard. "I didn't see this coming," says Glee fan Charles Smith. "Finn was my favorite character and everyone I know loved him. He was a great singer. He seemed so integral to the show. I don't understand why they would just write him off." Glee fans have started a Facebook page urging Glee writers to 'Bring Back Finn.' Finn was played by actor Cory Monteith. Monteith died last month from a drug overdose. Producers of Glee would not confirm, but it's speculated that the actor's death led to him being written off the show.

Former MTV VJ tries to sell books. Kennedy, who hasn't been on TV for nearly 20 years, is claiming that she almost had sex with Michael Jordan once. Jordan, who hasn't played basketball for a decade, is now known for being one of the worst owners in sports and once sporting a Hitler 'stache. It appears that 'I almost had sex with this person' is the new 'I did cocaine while I was on the Brady Bunch'.

New Zealand power companies funnier than other country's power companies. Clive Saleman was worried when he received a letter saying that his power would be turned off if he didn't stop using so much. Saleman then noticed that the letter wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to the streetlight in front of his home. It's not known why streetlights in New Zealand have their own address. This is where the comedy starts. Saleman went to the streetlight in question and knocked on the door. No one was home to collect the mail. The power company says they are happy to hear that no one is living in the streetlight, because it would be "quite draughty." Ha Ha! Whatever draughty means.

Vladimir Putin's plan to get free dildos is working. It was once suggested the Putin's militant, anti-gay agenda was just a ploy for him to get dildos sent to him. No one took the dildo strategy seriously, but it now appears there may be some truth to it. A Facebook group called "Send a Dildo To Vladimir Putin" has sprung up, urging people to send dildos, used or new, to Putin. It hasn't been confirmed that this is what Putin wanted all along, but someone said that they once heard Putin say 'once I get six or seven dildos, I'll lighten up on the gays.'

'Rent is too damn high' guy endorses Weiner. Pundits are calling this the most embarrassing gaffe of Anthony Weiner's campaign.

Funny beard guy and Weiner

That's it. That's the news.