Sunday Edition

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying  away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it. 

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

Marty and The News

News, here it is.

Rebel leaders in Syria show that they aren't that serious about fighting. They now want to take a four-day holiday. They say the Syrian government has agreed to the ceasefire, but it appears as if the government has other ideas. "Of course we agreed to the ceasefire," said a Syrian government guy. "Doesn't mean we are going to do it. This is a war. You don't get no holidays during war." Syrian government guy went on to say that rebel leaders could 'suck his dick.' It's not clear as to what he meant by that.

Navy to start putting lasers on ships in the coming years. In an attempt to boost recruitment numbers and overall excitement about the Navy, a top Naval officer has released information that shows lasers will be used on ships by the year 2016. Other Navy officers have confirmed the use of lasers on ships. Also adding that they are just going to tape some laser pointers to the front of a couple of ships.

The Mac's are expert Facebook users, despite not having accounts.

Parents who claim they don't want or need Facebook accounts, get on their daughter's account a lot. Ashley Mac says their Facebook use started out as a punishment. "When I'd get in trouble, they'd take my phone away," says Ashley. "They started taking pictures and posting them to my Facebook and changing my status." The punishment worked, too well. Ashley stopped getting in trouble, but her parents had become addicted to Facebook. "They have started coming up with stupid reasons to take my phone. One day I woke up an hour earlier than normal and my mom was like, 'what are you doing up early? You're not supposed to be awake yet. Give me your phone. I'll give it back to you in an hour, when you are supposed to wake up.' She then posted a picture of herself sitting on the couch with the caption, 'waiting to take Ashley to her soccer game.' One time I woke up in the middle of the night and my dad was sitting on the floor with my phone just reading through my friend's status updates. I now have a few friends that I'm pretty sure are guys my dad works with. My dad is always corresponding with them through my account.  They need to just get their own accounts."

James Cameron, is doing some stuff.

Former baseball player unsuccessfully tries to find Field of Dreams. Carlton Fisk was found sitting in is pickup truck in a cornfield crying. The former Boston Red Sox catcher says he was searching for the real field of dreams. This is the fourth time in a year that Fisk has been found in a cornfield. Baseball pundits point out the he clearly didn't watch the movie very closely. You have to be dead to be on the team. They also agree that Fisk is nowhere good enough to make the team.

Sadly there is no entry for 'Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' However, we do have a former reality star getting her head run over by a truck.

Most had forgotten about her lack of breasts

Christina Applegate misses her breasts.

Black woman casts black mark on KKK by claiming they set her on fire. All evidence points to the woman setting herself on fire. Police also believe she wrote the racial slur on her car window. "It's sad that this happend," said police. "The KKK was doing a pretty good job of making themselves look racist. But this attack against them has actually made our community feel sympathetic for them, black and white alike."

Legendary women's basketball coach wants the rims lowered. University of Connecticut women's basketball coach, Geno Auriemma, may be the greatest women's coach of all time, but that isn't stopping him from saying some of the rules in the women's game need to be changed. The seven time national champion and six time Naismith Coach of the Year winner, is calling for the rims to be lowered. Friends of Auriemma say that isn't the only rule change he wants implemented. They say Auriemma also wants stoves installed at the free-throw line, yarn and knitting supplies at half-court, and he doesn't want any more ball boys. He believes the players should have to mop the court themselves during timeouts.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

For the first time, I got my own news. I'm moving Marty and The News on to Blogger. Facebook treated me well. I assume no one was reading it on Facebook, but there was no way to know for sure. With the move to Blogger, I'll be able to know for sure that no one is reading it.

Now for the news.

Romney advisers want him to bring back certain kinds of torture. Republican fans already feel tortured by his horrendous campaign.

Johnny Lewis found dead. Goes to show you that just because you are in Hollywood, you're life isn't glamorous. And just because you are on a hit show, people still aren't going to know you by name. Lewis, 'Sons of Anarchy,' and more importantly, 'The O.C. star,' was found dead on the driveway of a 70-year-old lady. Lewis was renting a room from the lady. That's where 'fame' gets you. The old lady was found dead inside the home. Rumor has it, Lewis is suspected of killing the old lady.

Ladies Ray

Stingray tries to pick up some chicks.

Representative Barney Frank claims pot brownie made him sleepy. I suspect Frank would have been sleepy whether or not he ate the brownie. 

There are just to many good quotes in this story about a man who had 60 dead cats in his van, for you to not go and read the whole thing.  

Something tells me this lady isn't going to vote, or isn't eligible to vote. But at least she wouldn't vote for Obama just because he is black.

It's sad that this kid killed himself at school. It's even worse that it may have been due to bullying. It's sadder yet, that he did it dressed as Two-Face. Further tarnishing the Batman Trilogy. But the worst part of all, is that this school thinks having a day where you dress up in costume has anything to do with Breast Cancer Awareness week.  

I didn't know this site existed, but all you ladies should go check it out. You may already be internet stars and just not know it.  

Doctors claim to have grown an ear on a ladies arm. After further review, they just grew some skin and then shaped it into an ear. It's not like she could hear out her arm. It didn't even look like an ear when it was on her arm.  

Alligator rips off old lady's arm. She was probably taunting the alligator. I don't see why they have to kill the alligator. She is old. She probably wasn't using the arm much anyways.  

Victim #1 in the Jerry Sandusky case is going to show how traumatized he is by profitting off of it.  

If this lady ends up getting cancer one day, do the charges get dropped and she gets the money back?

Finally, the NFL referee lockout is over. Now we can get back to complaining about the refs the old fashioned way.  

I hope this kid doesn't die. I don't want to have to watch 'World's Deadliest Snake Bites' on TruTV.  

Syria shows rebels they mean business the only way they know how. By sending them text messages.  

Guy writes story about how he puts his phone in his pocket. Great stuff.  

That's it. That's the news.