February 12th Editon

Nutritionists may start using snow machines near fast food establishments.  McDonald's sales fell 3.3 percent last month and experts are blaming the poor weather. Health expert Charles Smith says that nutritionists have been trying for decades to find ways to get people to not eat fast food. Turns out all they needed was little snow. Nutritionists are now considering using snow machines near fast food joints to deter people from going. Some argue that those who didn't go to McDonald's because of weather, just sat at home and ate nothing. Which is worse than just going to McDonald's. The rebuttal has been to also use snow machines at people's homes.

Woman is very upset that McDonald's never gets her order right. When McDonald's messed up the woman's order, they promised that her next order would be free. After they messed up her free order, she fired a gunshot into the driv-thru window.

Smug asshole, Joe Darger, and wives

Polygamist with normal looking wives is smug asshole.  Joe Darger claims to the the best polygamist in history because his wives are all somewhat normal looking ladies. They don't wear weird clothes either. What he never mentions, is that two of them are twins and the other is their cousin. A fact that puts him back into normal polygamy territory of weird.

Tom Brokaw admits he only knows guys with cancer. Brokaw has famously always called himself the "luckiest guy I know." Upon telling everyone that he has cancer, many expected his opinion of himself to change. But despite his cancer, Brokaw still says, "I remain the luckiest guy I know." Brokaw went on to admit that "he only knows guys with cancer."

Michael Jordan fails to produce the next great basketball star, again. When it was learned that Jordan would be having twins, hopes were high that one of them would become the next great basketball legend. Jordan had twin daughters. Putting a stop to all of the 'next great basketball star' talk. This is the fifth time Jordan has failed to produce. The first two times was with his sons Jeffrey and Marcus. Both of who never amounted to be much in the basketball department. Jordan's third child as also a girl.

Winter Olympic athletes being outed as junior varsity athletes. Warmer temperatures at the Winter Olympics is leading to many athletes having lackluster performances. Most our outright blaming the weather. Real athletes don't make excuses.

Gay NFL prospect, Michael Sam, told his family he's gay at Denny's, during father's birthday party. Sam recently announced that he is gay. Just months before he is likely be drafted to the NFL. In an interview, Michael Sam Sr. revealed that his son told him while Sr. was celebrating his birthday at a local Denny's. Sr. says he was disappointed at first and went to drink at Applebee's. He now says he is proud of his son. Although he is still "a man and woman type of guy." Sr. also says he looks forward to the days when his son gives him enough money to not have to eat at Denny's and Applebee's.

Billy Ray Cyrus releases 'Achy Breaky 2' to remind everyone that Miley Cyrus is still his greatest contribution to music. Many, forgetting how bad of a song 'Achy Breaky Heart' was, have been saying that Billy Ray's biggest mistake in life was his daughter Miley Cyrus. With the release of 'Achy Breaky 2' Billy Ray is not only reminding everyone how bad the original was, but also that he is capable of much worse and that anything Miley has done is vastly better than anything he's done. There is also a bizarre Larry King intro to the video for some reason.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Here we go. It's news time. Start reading now.

Woman claims she was singled out by TSA, blames hairstyle. When Dana Oliver was singled out for a random search airport security, she had no one to blame but herself. "It had to be the hair," said Oliver.  During the pat down, Oliver claims that the gentlemen performing the search squeezed her butt. She also blamed the squeeze on the hair. Never once did she acknowledge that maybe the guy performing the search thought that she was attractive and that her booty was fly and used his positon to have her pulled out of line.

Before PSY was pretending to ride horses, he was telling America that they suck. In quite possibly the worst YouTube video of all time (the video being bad has nothing to do with PSY being in it, just watch it if you want to see why), South Korean rapper PSY is seen holding a tank over his head and throwing it to the ground. Not a full size tank. He then smashes it to pieces. It's a pretty generic looking tank. Nothing innately American looking about it. Could just be an anti-tank/war song, but since most Americans think we are the only ones with tanks, it's an American tank. One of the lyrics in the song is, "kill those f--king Yankees." No one is giving PSY the benefit of a doubt with that lyric. Even though it's a well known fact that his is a Red Sox fan.

Homeless people prove that they want to be homeless. Despite an effort to make more homeless shelters available to the homeless, the homeless rate hasn't moved. Charles Smith had this to say. "I know this guy that got sent to one of those homeless shelters. He just waited until they thought he was asleep and then climbed out the window. He was back at his bridge in a few hours. Most of these homeless guys want to be homeless."

Miley Cyrus being Pink in black

No one pays attention to Miley Cyrus as she slowly turns into Pink.

South Africa rethinks their hospital policy. It's standard procedure to not admit people into South African hospitals that are still able to speak. Lawmakers in South Africa may change this policy after what happened to Nelson Mandela. Mandela, 94, has been in quite poor health for a while now. His family and friends have been trying to get him into a hospital for a few months. The only problem was the Mandela was still able to speak. Mandela stopped speaking the other day and was finally admitted to the hospital. Some say it's all a rouse and that he can still speak. He's just using his postion to be admitted into the hospital. Friends of Mandela say it's a miracle that he stopped speaking. "If he were still speaking," says friend of Mandela, "he'd be dead." 

Kiam Moriya to turn 12. Moriya thinks it's a big deal that he is turning 12 because he was born on December 12, 2000 at 12:12 p.m.  That would mean he's turning 12 on 12/12/12 at 12:12 p.m. Moriya's teacher says he thinks he's hot shit because of it. "He used to be the biggest loser in the class. Last month he started telling everyone about how his birthday was going to be all 12s. The kids all thought this was cool. It's not cool. I plan on teaching the kids about Military time on December 13th. To show him and the class that his birthday isn't really all 12s. Then it will be back to spit-wads and wedgies for Kiam. That kid sucks and his name is stupid."

Irresponsible toddler leaves lets go of dog's leash to splash around in a puddle. Davis Lange, 3, was walking his dog, Rufus, when they duo came across a puddle. Lange dropped the dog's leash and started splashing in the puddle. Police have issued the toddler a ticket. "I know the boy is only 3, but we can't let this kind of thing go unpunished. What he did is just irresponsible. Dog owners need to have their dogs on a leash and be holding that leash at all times when out in public. For the safety of the dog and everyone in the vicinity. The dog did just stand there and watch the boy play in the puddle, but who's to say that'll be the case next time."

What do you think? Do you think the police made the right decision? Watch the video and leave a comment.

Boy doesn't get the toy he wanted for his birthday, donates all the presents he did get in hopes that someone will get him the presents he wanted as a reward for his generosity. Chase Branscum, 12, got hundreds of presents for his birthday, but not one of them was what he really wanted. In an act of generosity, Branscum donated everything he received to Toys for Tots. "I have toys," says Bransum. "I don't have a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy, but I have toys. Those kids deserve to have toys to play with. I just know those kids are going to have so much fun with the toys. The toys will bring them so much joy. The same kind of joy I'd get from a Nintendo Wii U or a John Cena WWE Brawlin' Buddy."

Monkey in puffy coat shops at IKEA. It's not known what the monkey was looking for. Despite IKEA having everything, the monkey left the store with nothing. He looked quite perturbed and frantic as he left the store.  

That's it. That's the news.