Marty and The News: July 8th Edition

News.

Eliot Spitzer trying to make return to politics, Americans learn of existence of comptroller. Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York in 2008, when it was discovered he was sexing some high-price prostitutes. Now, five years later, Americans are learning of the existence of a comptroller. It turns out lots of cities have them. Spitzer is planning to run for New York City's comptroller. It's still not known what exactly the comptroller does, but if they bang high-priced prostitutes, Spitzer is a shoe-in.

Only one death may have occurred from Asiana plance crash in San Francisco. It was first reported that two 16-year-old Chinese girls died in the plane crash. It is now being speculated that one of the girls may have been killed by an emergency vehicle that rushed to the scene. An autopsy is underway to determine the girls cause of death. Frank the airport ambulance driver has refused to comment.

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Heidi Klum Instagrams picture of her butt.

'Happy Endings' writer tweets jokes that didn't make the show. Writer Jason Berger shared some jokes on Twitter that didn't make it into the product that aired on TV. At the same time, he also showed why they didn't make it into the show.

Chicago gets to work over the Holiday Weekend. As I first reported last week, homicides in Chicago are down 27% in comparison to last year's numbers at this time. Criminals got to work for the Fourth of July, as nine people were killed over the weekend. The city passed the 200th homicide for the year milestone over weekend, but is still behind last year's stats.

George Zimmerman likely to walk. Says some guy who seems to know what he's talking about.

California may start giving condoms to inmates. Haven't thought that maybe this will open up the flood gates to inmates raping other inmates. A practice that rarely occurs in prisons.

Taco Bell has another drive-thru order returned. This time it's $3,600 in cash instead of shitty tacos.

Tigers tell a man he is too old by killing him. The man was 72 and very feeble. The three tigers took pity on him and his body.

Marty and The News

NEWS TIME!!!! !! !

This picture was cool. Now it's just lame.

Last week I reported on the photobombing stingray. This week we have the backstory behind this photo has come out. No one asked for the backstory, or was wanting it, but now we have it. The backstory on this probably should not have come out. It's not interesting and makes the picture less interesting.

Country singer mistakingly thinks that being caught cheating would disappoint his fans. Country fans like and expect this kind of thing.

One of those is a dude.

It's 'Miss Bum Bum' time in Brazil. The annual pageant is getting started in Brazil and I'm looking for a reason to post a picture of butts.

Amazon in trouble for selling a puzzle.


PBS surprised to learn that Jerry Lewis is still alive. "I was just sitting in my office," says one PBS executive. "I received a call from a man claiming to be Jerry Lewis. 'No really. Who is this?' I said. I thought Jerry died four years ago. He wants to do some thing in Vegas. I don't really know what it is. I told him that I thought he was dead, but we'd be happy to do it."

Gay-to-straight conversion therapy now banned in California. One group says that the ban doesn't go far enough. Leader of that group, Bill Darrelson, spoke out against the ban. "Unless this ban includes straight-to-gay conversions, it shouldn't be passed," he says. "What's stopping one of these gays from becoming a teacher and turing my boy into one of them? Gays are notorious for this kind of thing. My friend Larry met a gay at a bar, a straight bar that a gay shouldn't be at I might add. Now Larry is a faggot."

Boy Scouts of America, once again, prove they are a superior people when compared to your average American. They are now going to notify the police of pedophiles. Something the rest of America has not been doing.

Bus drivers in San Antonio attempt double-suicide. School bus drivers Mike Jeffers and Larry Kline were done with life. They couldn't deal with. They were especially fed up with the kids on their school bus and their low pay. The two men planned on racing their buses towards each other in hopes that the impact would kill both of them. Mike Jeffers survived the crash. Larry Kline was so lucky. "Larry is a lucky guy," said Jeffers.

Americans getting better at child abuse. "It used to be that kids would just get a few bruises," says Dr. John Leventhal of Yale University. "Now we are seeing a rise in the number of kids that have to be hospitalized due to injuries they sustain from child abuse. We've got a long way to go to catch other countries as far as child abuse is concerned, but we are headed in the right direction."

Ron Wallace has no fear of retribution for his record. 

Pumpkin records are falling left and right. In the time span of just five days, the world record for the heaviest pumpkin, fell not once, but twice. "This type of thing is unprecedented in the pumpkin world," said a pumpkin weighing judge who wished to remain anonymous for fear that their may be retribution for the records.

Original picture on the left. What appeared in the catalogue on the right.

Ikea removes woman from catalogue. In a move that has child safety enthusiasts everywhere up in arms, Ikea has taken a woman out of one of the pictures in their latest catalogue. "That kid really shouldn't be using that sink unsupervised like that," says child safety expert Julie Bond. "It's a shame to see Ikea act so irresponsibly."


That's it. That's the news.