Marty and The News: August 5th Edition

No-name baseball players accept suspensions. Twelve Major League Baseball players have accepted 50 game suspensions for associating with some guy. They didn't actually fail any drug tests. Despite the long list of names, no one knows who these players are. Unless you are in one of those fantasy baseball leagues that has way too many teams and are forced to have scrubs on your team. The list just proves that steroids don't actually make you that much better at baseball. Alex Rodriguez, who was already good at baseball, is rumored to be facing a suspension as well, but he is fighting it. Steroid use in baseball appears to just make good players better at avoiding suspensions than mediocre players.

*Update*
Alex Rodriguez has now been banned for the rest of this season and all of next. He should have taken more 'suspension delaying' steroids.

Study finds stupidest group of people in America. You can be the best test taker in the world or know Pi to 6 decimal places, but if you can't remember where you put your keys, you're stupid. For this reason, it's often assumed that old people are the stupidest in the world. But a new study shows that it's women who are the stupidest people. The stupidest group of women are those between the ages of 18 and 34 and live on the East coast. 

Dancing fool Billy C

Bill Clinton answers a bunch of questions. Tells everyone to not worry about yesterday, embrace tomorrow. He wasn't so clear on what to do with today. He did mention that he's "gotten a lot of good advice and wishes he'd taken more of it." Perhaps that advice was about what to do with today.

Chris Christie wins hottest politician poll. He also wins for fattest politician. No poll was held to determine that. He was just given the prize for fattest. 

Author of 'Jaws' makes a list of words to try and help sell 40th anniversary copies of the book. He says the list of words are alternative titles for the book. He considered all of them before going with Jaws. But after close examination of the list, of almost 200 alternative book titles, it appears to just be a list of words. Many of which are loosely related to sharks and shark activity, but most are just words. One alternative title is just " ". Suggesting that he was willing to call the book anything. 

Danny Bonaduce: "It was totally embarrassing to be famous and homeless." Bonaduce mistakenly gave this quote while appearing on 'Oprah: Where Are They Now?' He has since revised his quote to, "It was, and still is, totally embarrassing to be me, homeless or not."

Burned body of a woman found in Detroit, Fire Chief sounds stupid. This is Detroit's third burned body in 8 days. Some think they have a serial body burner on their hands. Fire Chief Jack Wiley isn't so sure. “It’s a young lady, I think, I’m not sure. All I could see was the leg and it looked like the leg of a lady than more of a man. So, I’m not sure yet.” He also doesn't want people to jump so quickly to murder. “I’m not sure because like I said, it’s still a crime scene and I couldn’t get all the way in there to see, but they did just let me see where the fire was.”

Anthony Weiner dick pic recipient films porno. Not only was she the lucky, original recipient of a picture of Weiner's junk, Sydney Leathers was lucky enough to shoot a porn scene. 

50 Cent tries to get back into the news Chris Brown style, forgets to get famous girlfriend first. 

That's it. That's the news.