August 19th Edition

Guy says he is going to publish secrets about Britain. Glenn Greenwald is the journalist who first published the secrets that Edward Snowden leaked. Greenwald is a little upset that Snowden has been getting all the press for those leaks. But what really riled him up, was that authorities in Britain asked his partner, David Miranda, questions for 9 hours. "No one asks my man questions that long, but me," said Greenwald. Greenwald says Britain will be sorry for asking his partner questions, but it appears the only secrets he has are about how most people there freely toss around the C-word and a list of people who regularly brush their teeth.

Lawyers for Oscar Pistorius tell him to lose the blades. Pistorius was in court earlier today to be indicted for murder. This was the first time his defense team got a good look at how the prosecution is going to pursue the case. Lawyers for Pistorius are scared this thing is over. They've decided the only shot they have is to heavily play up the sympathy angle. "It's the only choice we have," said his head lawyer Charles Smith. "They have a good case against him. When I first approached Oscar about the sympathy angle, he was reluctant. He asked if he could just wear some shorts that show that he is walking around on blades. I had to inform him that we can't have people using the word blades so much in a murder trial. You also can't wear shorts in a court room. I finally talked him into taking of the blades and using a wheelchair. If we can somehow convince the jury that Oscar is incapable of walking around in his condition, we may have a chance."

Chris Christie signs gay conversion therapy ban, but only for teens. On the surface, this looks like a good thing for Christie to do. But the ban only covers people under 18. The ban does nothing to protect those over 18 from being converted to straighthood.

One way to keep an erection.

Fork found in man's penis, claims he slipped and fell. A 70-year-old man was rushed to the hospital after getting a fork in his penis. The man stands by his story of slipping on some grease in the kitchen and falling on a fork. The man's girlfriend tells another story. "He had some trouble maintaing an erection while we were copulating," says Berta Rose. "I told him not to, but he insisted the fork would keep him erect."

Train driver in India hits and kills 37, attacked by mob who also sets train on fire, passenger misses important business meeting. Charles Smith was on his way to a very important business meeting. The meeting was likely to yield his company millions of dollars in contracts. Smith's company lost out on the contracts and he is now jobless.

12-year-old girl attacked by bear in latest bear-pocalypse attack. That makes 7 bear attacks since Thursday. Officials are reminding people to play dead when being attacked by a bear. Do not try to stop the bear attack by petting it, as this girl did before finally playing dead. No one died in the recent bear attacks. Bear experts say the bears are probably just practicing before they release a full-fledged bear-pocalypse.

That's it. That's the news.