Marty and The News: August 1st Edition

Larry Summers hates women. Summers appears to be the prospective nominee for the Federal Reserve Chair. Summers has come under fire for sexist remarks he has said in the past. The biggest red flag of Summers' sexism is the fact that he won't step back and let a woman have the Federal Reserve Chair. Women first, Larry.

Cleveland kidnapper, Ariel Castro, apologizes, poorly, for kidnapping people. "I'm not a monster," said Castro, in front of a packed courtroom. "A lot of harmony (was) going on." Castro went on to say that he is not a violent person. He says he never beat or tortured any of the women. While not all of the sex was consensual, he claims that most of it was. "I simply kept them there without them being able to leave." Castro was also hurt to learn that his home has been torn down. "I had so many beautiful memories there with Amanda." Amanda, one of his victims, says there was no beautiful memories. Castro also admitted to being addicted to porn. It's not known why he admitted to this. It didn't help his case whatsoever. He was sentenced to life in prison. And just in case he outlives his life, 1,000 more years were tacked on.

New hair, same boobs

Sofia Vergara changes hair color, keeps big boobs. Fashion experts are split as to whether or not the hair change was a good or bad move, but they all agree that she did the right thing by keeping the boobs the same. "No one is really looking at her hair anyways," says fashion expert Charles Smith, "so the change doesn't really matter."

In an unexpected twist, Glee writes the Finn Hudson character off of the show. Finn has been a fan favorite ever since the first episode of Glee. The decision to remove him from the show has taken many off guard. "I didn't see this coming," says Glee fan Charles Smith. "Finn was my favorite character and everyone I know loved him. He was a great singer. He seemed so integral to the show. I don't understand why they would just write him off." Glee fans have started a Facebook page urging Glee writers to 'Bring Back Finn.' Finn was played by actor Cory Monteith. Monteith died last month from a drug overdose. Producers of Glee would not confirm, but it's speculated that the actor's death led to him being written off the show.

Former MTV VJ tries to sell books. Kennedy, who hasn't been on TV for nearly 20 years, is claiming that she almost had sex with Michael Jordan once. Jordan, who hasn't played basketball for a decade, is now known for being one of the worst owners in sports and once sporting a Hitler 'stache. It appears that 'I almost had sex with this person' is the new 'I did cocaine while I was on the Brady Bunch'.

New Zealand power companies funnier than other country's power companies. Clive Saleman was worried when he received a letter saying that his power would be turned off if he didn't stop using so much. Saleman then noticed that the letter wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to the streetlight in front of his home. It's not known why streetlights in New Zealand have their own address. This is where the comedy starts. Saleman went to the streetlight in question and knocked on the door. No one was home to collect the mail. The power company says they are happy to hear that no one is living in the streetlight, because it would be "quite draughty." Ha Ha! Whatever draughty means.

Vladimir Putin's plan to get free dildos is working. It was once suggested the Putin's militant, anti-gay agenda was just a ploy for him to get dildos sent to him. No one took the dildo strategy seriously, but it now appears there may be some truth to it. A Facebook group called "Send a Dildo To Vladimir Putin" has sprung up, urging people to send dildos, used or new, to Putin. It hasn't been confirmed that this is what Putin wanted all along, but someone said that they once heard Putin say 'once I get six or seven dildos, I'll lighten up on the gays.'

'Rent is too damn high' guy endorses Weiner. Pundits are calling this the most embarrassing gaffe of Anthony Weiner's campaign.

Funny beard guy and Weiner

That's it. That's the news.