Marty and The News: August 2nd Edition

Ellen DeGeneres to host 2014 Oscars. Looks like the Oscars won't have any jokes this year. If that's the case, I don't have to make jokes about this. Just kidding. Ellen is great! Dance party!

House Republicans keep voting to repeal Obamacare, jokes fired. This is the 40th time House Republicans have voted to repeal Obamacare. Not one of the 40 votes have meant anything. A few Democrats took to the floor to roast the Republicans and their frivolous vote. Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.), opened the roast by saying, "I suspect we don't want to call them the Republicans anymore, but I think we ought to call them the Repeal-icans. Or perhaps the Repeal-ican'ts, because they've never been able to repeal anything." Oh snap! That joke can't be topped. The roast should have ended there, but that didn't stop a few Democrats from embarrassing themselves. "They have one alternative to Obamacare. It's called NothingCare," joked Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-Texas). Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) laid the stinker of the night when he said, "we've seen this movie before." Just embarrassing, Doggett and Thompson. Nice job, Dingell

Not Related

Nick Cannon thinks he is related to Amanda Bynes. Cannon has asked for Bynes to reach out to 'her family' in her time of need. Despite him being black and Bynes being white, Cannon is referring to himself when he says family. Cannon believes they are family, because they were both on Nickelodeon at the same time. Bynes is upset that it's been 15 years since they hooked up and this is the first time Cannon has ever tried to contact her. 

Raven-Symone "can finally get married," thanks Government. Symone took to Twitter earlier today to say, "I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you." It's not known if she is referring to the Supreme Court's decision in June to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act or the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional. It's murky as to whether Symone announced that she is lesbian, is in love with someone from another race, or perhaps both. Either way, she is late in thanking the Government. Symone also could have made her thanks mean a little more by thanking the Supreme Court and not just the Government in general.

College issues apology after its president refers to minorities as "dark ones." Hillsdale College President Larry Arnn was technically correct when he called minorities "dark ones," but the College still issued an apology. The apology states that "no offense was intended by the use of that term, except to the offending bureaucrats." Arnn was even less apologetic in his statement. “The State of Michigan sent a group of people down to my campus, with clipboards ... to look at the colors of people’s faces and write down what they saw. We don’t keep records of that information. What were they looking for besides dark ones?"

Colin Powell denies having sex with vaguely attractive Romanian lady. Powell is being accused of having an affair with Romanian diplomat Corina Cretu. Despite exchanging emails and Facebook messages with Cretu for over 10 years, Powell insists that he has been nothing but faithful to his wife Alma. You be the judge.

Colin and his wife Alma

The much more attractive Corina Cretu

Even the ladies got involved

Taiwanese lawmakers come to blows, waste water, over nuclear power. What was supposed to be a meeting to decide if a nuclear power plant should be built, turned to violence when a decision couldn't be agreed upon. Punches were thrown and numerous bottles of water were emptied. 

One lawmaker throws punch as another wears a sweet headband

Texas running low on lethal injection drug, just going to start shooting people.

That's it. That's the news.