Marty and The News

Like a real American, news took some time off for Christmas. Now it's back. I'm also back to report on it.

Some guy says we are crippling our future. Despite never being in a movie, TV show, band, or sports team, Paul Krugman had the following to say about the economy: "we are crippling our future as well as our present by failing to do what is needed to deal with the short run." Krugman's only credential is that he is a Nobel Prize-winning economist.

Shut up Paul

Big Coffee pays for study. A new study shows that soda drinking can be a factor in depression. The same study also shows a link between drinking coffee and lowering depression. Big Soda is rumored to be working on a study of their own that would link coffee drinking to AIDs.

Woman tries to kill husband, so that her and her son can further their 'unnatural relationship.' It's cool though, because her son is adopted. The mother and son can frequently be seen at a local night club playing grab ass. Looks like the only place she'll being playing ass grab at anymore, is at the big house night club (prison).

Husband supports his wife who is accused of having sex with a student. The husband of the teacher says it is all a misunderstanding. She 'is too overcaring,' he said. Which may be true. The student she is accused of sleeping with, was ridiculed just 2 days earlier for being a virgin. 

Keith Ratliff, avid gun enthusiast, dies doing what he loved. Ratliff is the producer of a popular YouTube channel about guns. He once tweeted, "I went to the movies with my pistol in my pocket the whole time I was praying that somebody would try to pull a Batman!" Ratliff was found dead in his home with a single gun shot to the head. The incident is believed to be a homicide. Multiple guns were found at the scene.

Ned Wertimer, white

White guy from 'The Jeffersons' dies. 

After plans fall through, man goes to work. The Pennsylvania man had planned on being dead and thought he wouldn't have to go to work. Despite his best efforts, the man just couldn't die. The man first tried jumping out of the car while traveling down the interstate. The suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Thirty minutes later, the man jumped in front of a semi truck  He lost his shoes, but not his life. Defeated, the man collected his shoes and walked to work.  

That's it. That's the news.