August 26th Edition

United Nations vehicle severely injured by sniper-shot in Syria. The "sniper" has been fired for only being able to hit the vehicle. The UN vehicle is still in the shop. It's not known if the Toyota 4Runner will ever be able to drive again. Charles Smith, the vehicle's normal driver, says he is very sad. "I've come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be used again for official UN business," says Smith, "but it's still hard. I just hope that one day, he'll be able to drive again and not be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of it's life." Charles Smith meant to say tow-truck.

Former pretty good basketball player is missing, probably on drugs after finding out he didn't marry the good Kardashian. Family of the former Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Los Angles Laker and Dallas Mavericks player, Lamar Odom, say he finally realized he is married to Khloe Kardashian and not Kim Kardashian. According to his family, no one has contacted him for 72 hours and he is probably on a drug binge fueled by his depression of realizing he married the 'wrong one.' Odom had believed he'd been married to Kim for nearly four years before finding out he married Khloe.

Liz Cheney gets Wyoming in the news with her incendiary comment, rest of state nods in agreement. Cheney was in Wyoming campaigning for Senate when asked about terrorists. “I do think that we know that recruitment goes on through mosques," answered Cheney. Everyone at the rally nodded their head in agreement and uttered under their breath, "yeah, that sounds about right." Despite not hearing what Cheney had said, everyone else in the state nodded their head at that exact moment.

Group of black people wait two hours to get wings, get table, white guy feels threatened. According to Michael Brown, he and 24 of his friends and family waited "patiently" for 2 hours just to get a seat at Wild Wing Cafe. The large group was gathered to see off one of their friends who was moving out of town. When the large group was seated, a white patron of the cafe told his waiter that he felt "threatened." The white gentleman had been seen eating exorbitant amounts of wings earlier in the night. He reportedly felt threatened because the large group of people would probably slow down service to his table. A manager approached the large group to tell them of their threatening ways. A video camera was pulled out and the large group of people were removed from the restaurant for some reason. They reportedly took their party to the Sizzler across the street. 

Did the peanut butter dog thing

Journalist tries to make it sound like preschool teacher took sexually explicit pictures of her students, was just her own kids and dog. Connie Ramirez, a preschool teacher in Ohio, has been charged with rape, gross sexual imposition, pandering obscenity involving a minor, and possession of criminal tools after investigators found sexually explicit images of her two children and dog. None of the pictures involve her two children and dog. She kept the dog sex stuff separate from the kid sex stuff. The preschool says she was never alone with any of the children while working there. There is no evidence, as of yet, that any of the children at the preschool are involved. This journalist just prints the facts. I don't try to make the lady sound like some kind of monster like David Lohr tried to make her sound.

Guns don't kill people, people in China with knives do. A man killed four and wounded 11 in a bus stabbing attack. The man is now the most successful knife stabber in China in recent months. The man barely bested last week's bus attack where a man killed three and wounded 12. Buses aren't the only dangerous place in China either. Last month a man killed two and injured four at the office when he was accused of violating China's one-child policy. 

Lady claims "stuttering has no ill effect on preschoolers." She says she did a study on it and found that stuttering had no effect on their social, language, or emotional development skills. She admittedly didn't add the part where they are ridiculed mercilessly by their peers into her study.

Sunday Edition

Syria to let United Nations inspect chemical weapons attack site, United States says "it's too late, we'll take care of this." The UN will inspect the site to figure out what is going on. The US is saying the inspection won't do anything. Many think the US is referring to fact that the attack already happened and that they should have figured it out before the attack. The spokesmen for the US stated that "we'll take care of this." When asked exactly how, he responded, "we got some bombs and missiles and stuff like that."

Supreme Court fans concerned over Ruth Bader Ginsburg's latest comments. Ginsburg said this is "one of the most activist courts in history." That comment isn't what has SCOTUS fans worried. Most nodded their head in agreement and said she could have found a better way to phrase that. What has fans worried, is that she said she wants to stay on as a justice until her health and intellect are weak. If that sounds familiar, it's because Antonin Scalia said the same thing four years ago. SCOTUS fan Charles Smith explains fan concern. "When Scalia made that comment, he was in sound mind and body, as Ginsburg is now. But over these last four years, Scalia has broken down physically and lost most of his mental faculties. They've gotten so bad, that he forget that he said he'd leave when this happened. When you ask him if he wants to step down now in his condition, he just says 'No. Me fine. I stay here. I needed here. America.' We don't want to see that happen to Ginsburg."

Collin Powell lets the world know he's a month and a half behind in his news consumption. Journalists have been asking Powell what he thinks about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial ever since the verdict was handed down on July 13. They'd ask Powell if George Zimmerman got a fair verdict. If he thought any new legislation would come as a result. "Powell would always respond by saying, "we'll just have to wait and see." It was always just assumed that Powell was only answering the last question and avoiding the first two, until today. While on some CBS show, Powell was once again asked what he thought about the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. He quickly and eagerly responded with "questionable." The host of that CBS show says Powell responded with such enthusiasm that it was clear he just found out what the verdict was an hour ago and had been waiting in anticipation for someone to ask that question. The host and producers were so dumbfounded by Powell and the fact that he obviously just learned of the verdict, that they were unable to respond. The host just sat there for 15 seconds, in stunned silence, hoping that one of the producers would be able to feed him a followup question in his earpiece. CBS eventually threw it to commercial.

Both pics are "totes" gay

Guy's photo from his 'straight years' looks more gay than photo from his 'gay years.' Homosexual oriented TV station and website Logo has asked it's viewers and readers to send in photos of themselves during their 'straight years.' People just send in pictures of them holding up pictures from when they were closeted. Much like the picture to the left. Many of the photos show vast differences. Often times, the person has switched which gender they resemble the most. Some don't really understand the project and just send in pictures that only make them look older. They don't look any more gay in the more recent photo. One man though, looks more gay in his 'straight photo' that he does in his gay photo. Some have accused the man of not even being gay and just trying to make a mockery of the project. To which the man responded, "no man, I'm totes gay." Naysayers have now recanted their accusations of him not being gay.

Denny's appears on list of least respected companies, proving the list means nothing.

Scientist who thinks birds can tell the speed limit gets laughed at by colleagues. Pierre Legagneux is pretty sure that birds know the speed limit of the roads they fly around because they are always flying  away from oncoming cars just in time for them to not get hit. Other scientists say this just proves that birds know how to not run into shit. This says nothing about them knowing the speed limit. Legagneux is hopeful he'll win a Nobel Prize for his discovery.

Most worthless graph in graph history

Guy tries to stick it to Barack Obama by making graph of hurricanes by Presidency. Out of all the things Obama has said, this guy is most upset about him mentioning a study done by the Choom Climatological Institute. The study says that hurricanes are getting stronger. This guy is upset that there have been no hurricanes yet this year. He points to 1886 when there was seven hurricanes by the end of August.

New telescope to be 10 times sharper than Hubble Space Telescope, children not allowed to use. When it comes to telescopes, Hubble is the cream of the crop. It's very sharp. The sharpest. Despite being really sharp, children have been allowed to use Hubble under strict adult supervision. The new telescope will be so sharp, that children won't even be allowed to be near it. But don't worry kids, the new telescope won't be done until 2022, so you should all get your telescoping degrees. By the time the new one is done, you'll be an adult and able to use it. 

*Update*

Turns out the Magellan telescope was recently upgraded to be twice as sharp as Hubble. As it is with Hubble, kids are allowed to use Magellan under strict adult supervision.

Resort employee says man "obviously didn't stay out of the water like I told him too." Erin Bayard, Australian resort employee, says she made it clear that guests were not to go into the water. "I tell everyone this at check-in," says Bayard. "I even went to this one particular guy's room to tell him to stay out of the water because I had heard rumors that he was thinking about doing it. Even after it was clear he had gone in the water, his friend tried to deny he had gone in the water. Fifteen people tell me differently. I have 15 people that will tell me he got in the water, tried to swim across and got eaten by a crocodile."

That's it. That's the News.

August 23rd Edition

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months.  The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.


Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

August 21st Edition

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

That's it. That's The News.

August 19th Edition

Guy says he is going to publish secrets about Britain. Glenn Greenwald is the journalist who first published the secrets that Edward Snowden leaked. Greenwald is a little upset that Snowden has been getting all the press for those leaks. But what really riled him up, was that authorities in Britain asked his partner, David Miranda, questions for 9 hours. "No one asks my man questions that long, but me," said Greenwald. Greenwald says Britain will be sorry for asking his partner questions, but it appears the only secrets he has are about how most people there freely toss around the C-word and a list of people who regularly brush their teeth.

Lawyers for Oscar Pistorius tell him to lose the blades. Pistorius was in court earlier today to be indicted for murder. This was the first time his defense team got a good look at how the prosecution is going to pursue the case. Lawyers for Pistorius are scared this thing is over. They've decided the only shot they have is to heavily play up the sympathy angle. "It's the only choice we have," said his head lawyer Charles Smith. "They have a good case against him. When I first approached Oscar about the sympathy angle, he was reluctant. He asked if he could just wear some shorts that show that he is walking around on blades. I had to inform him that we can't have people using the word blades so much in a murder trial. You also can't wear shorts in a court room. I finally talked him into taking of the blades and using a wheelchair. If we can somehow convince the jury that Oscar is incapable of walking around in his condition, we may have a chance."

Chris Christie signs gay conversion therapy ban, but only for teens. On the surface, this looks like a good thing for Christie to do. But the ban only covers people under 18. The ban does nothing to protect those over 18 from being converted to straighthood.

One way to keep an erection.

Fork found in man's penis, claims he slipped and fell. A 70-year-old man was rushed to the hospital after getting a fork in his penis. The man stands by his story of slipping on some grease in the kitchen and falling on a fork. The man's girlfriend tells another story. "He had some trouble maintaing an erection while we were copulating," says Berta Rose. "I told him not to, but he insisted the fork would keep him erect."

Train driver in India hits and kills 37, attacked by mob who also sets train on fire, passenger misses important business meeting. Charles Smith was on his way to a very important business meeting. The meeting was likely to yield his company millions of dollars in contracts. Smith's company lost out on the contracts and he is now jobless.

12-year-old girl attacked by bear in latest bear-pocalypse attack. That makes 7 bear attacks since Thursday. Officials are reminding people to play dead when being attacked by a bear. Do not try to stop the bear attack by petting it, as this girl did before finally playing dead. No one died in the recent bear attacks. Bear experts say the bears are probably just practicing before they release a full-fledged bear-pocalypse.

That's it. That's the news.

Sunday Edition

Journalists are angering Egyptian Government, come under attack. The government is complaining that their coverage is bias. One journalist has already been hit in the head with a really long stick. This journalist says, 'bring it on, bitches."

Ice swan

Chris Christie reportedly doesn't want Rand Paul at his party. When asked why, Christie said, "Oh, we don't have room." Paul responded with, "The party is big enough for both of us." Party goers say Christie was correct in saying the party didn't have room. One man describes the scene. "The invitations said the party starts at 8pm," says party participant Charles Smith. "Most everyone was there a little before 8. Some trickled in 5 to 10 minutes late, but by 8:15, there was literally no more room. No one else could fit in there. It wasn't that Christie didn't want certain people in. The room was just too packed. So when Rand Paul strolled up at 9:02, like some kind of big shot, he just wouldn't have physically fit inside that room. It was nothing against the man personally. If he had shown up on time, Christie would have welcomed him with open arms. Had the ice sculpture swan been taken out, there might have been enough room for Rand, but that swam was cool. It was all anybody talked about. There is no way it was being taken out."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoes .50 caliber rifle ban, would "only interfere with lawful recreational pastimes." Christie says he vetoed the ban because a .50 caliber rifle has never been used criminally in the state of New Jersey. The ban "will not further public safety," says Christie. Christie pointed to the fact that every single weapon people used in crimes is already in use by criminals to support his veto. Criminals will never bring a new weapon into their arsenal, he claimed. Criminals in New Jersey signed a 'no new weapons' treaty in 2007. The treaty states that if a weapon hadn't been used for criminal activity prior to 2007, criminals could not adopt such a weapon for future crimes.

Fearing he'll never have another hit song again, Robin Thicke sues Marvin Gaye's family, vows to ride 'Blurred Lines' gravy train out to the end and not let the Gaye's derail it. All Gaye's family did was state that 'Blurred Lines' sounds similar to Marvin's song 'Got To Give It Up.' Thicke feels that his song is under attack and has decided to sue the Gaye family. The only thing Thicke is looking for from this lawsuit is for the Gaye family to say the two songs don't sound similar, which they do. He also wants to make sure the family can't come after him for copyright infringement. Something the Gaye family hasn't done yet and is not planning on doing. As of now, they have just stated the songs sound similar and Thicke freaked the fuck out. We'll have more as this develops.

This map can't be real

Map reveals that New York City's wealth is not distributed evenly across the city as previously thought. Conventional wisdom has said that everyone in New York City has roughly the same amount of money. Nickolay Lamm has turned that conventional wisdom upside down with his new map of the city. In his map, Lamm shows how high buildings would be if they represented how much money the people who live in that area make. The maps results are very shocking. It turns out that some New Yorkers just aren't as rich as others.

Racy Commercial

Woman takes picture of her TV screen, writes blog. "The GMA segment went to commercial," the woman wrote. "And then, wham. Confusion. Disbelief. Did that just flash on my TV screen? In front of 8-year-old Andy?!" I cannot ever be okay with naked people having sex in the middle of ‘Good Morning America.’" The woman went on to say she is ok with clothed people having sex during 'Good Morning America,' or naked people having sex when 'Good Morning America' is over. She is also very concerned about Andy, despite not having any kids named Andy. Her kids are Rebecca and Dale.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker isn't black enough. Or something like the. It was hard to read. Apparently, the way he says 'B' has something to do with how black he is. 

British police don't like Kate Middleton, start looking into whether or not Diana is really dead. Not liking how Middleton does things, police are looking further into Diana's 1997 death in hopes that it was an elaborate hoax. "We need a princess that knows what she is doing," said one officer under anonymity. "Kate is just stupid. Diana was great."

Germany to offer new gender option. The days of only selecting Male or Female on your birth certificate are over. Parents in Germany can now select 'blank' while filling out a birth certificate. The move was made because many parents were taking too long to select a gender when filling out their new child's birth certificate. German Doctor Charles Smith weighed in. "Some of these people were just wasting hospital resources. They were taking too long to fill out these birth certificates. They would be in the hospital room longer than necessary and be served meals during that time. One couple stared at that birth certificate for two days before finally selecting female. That was after we showed them the child's penis several times."

Dog that was mistaken for African Lion

Zoo in China discovers their African Lion is really just a dog. The zoo discovered their mistake when the "lion" started barking. This isn't the first time the Chinese zoo has made this mistake. What they thought were snakes, were really just rodents. They've mistaken a white fox for a leopard. And at one time, thought a common dog was a wolf. “The zoo is absolutely cheating us,” said one zoo visitor. “They are trying to disguise the dogs as lions.” Zoo officials claim they aren't trying to cheat anyone. They just got confused and made a mistake.

That's It. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.


Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."


Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.