February 26th Edition

Four million people have signed up for Obamacare, George W. Bush is surprised half the country has already signed up. The number of people that have signed up for Obamacare are very low, but not according to one former President. "Wow!" Said Bush. "Four million, already. I didn't think that many people would sign up for that Obamacare. Boy was I wrong. Half the country has already signed up." Bush was only off on the population of the United States by roughly 306 million. Since making his comments, Bush has taken to Twitter to explain that he was joking. "My comments on Obamacare were a joke. What do they call it, sarcasm? I was being sarcasm," tweeted Bush.

Another fast food patron looks at their receipt too closely. An alarming trend of customers looking to closely at their receipt has griped the country. In the old days, nobody looked at their receipt. Except in the rare circumstances they forgot their order number. "Bitch ass hoes."That's the name that left an elderly grandmother in tears. A Burger King employee printed the name on elderly woman's receipt. Apparently because the elderly woman and her granddaughter were being "bitch ass hoes." The manger of the Burger King told the woman that she shouldn't have looked at the receipt.

Random cat picture

Former New England Patriots turned probable murder, Aaron Hernandez, beats up guy in prison. TMZ reports that inmate was harassing Hernandez, so he had it coming.

Woman tricks boyfriend into killing himself under the guise of gun safety. Sarah was fed up with her boyfriends douchey ways and wanted to put an end to him. She didn't want to do it herself however, so she devised a plan for him to kill himself. For days on end, Sarah constantly nagged and complained about his guns and how unsafe they were to have in the house. Especially around their children. The boyfriend eventually set out to show her how safe the guns were. He grabbed his three guns and pointed each one to his head and pulled the trigger. What he didn't know, is that Sarah had put a bullet in one of the guns a few days prior. The first two gun did nothing when the man pulled the trigger. Sarah even played along and had him point the second gun at her and pull the trigger after nothing happened when he pointed it at himself. Sarah was in the middle of apologizing for saying the guns weren't safe when her boyfriend killed himself by pointing the third gun at his head and pulling the trigger.

NFL may move Super Bowl from Arizona if anti-gay is passed, Arizona wouldn't let Super Bowl take place if Michael Sam's team were in it. The bill isn't just anti-gay, it's anti-whatever-the-hell-you-want. If it's against your religious beliefs for people to wear hats, you can refuse service to those wearing hats. Hate women? Well good news for you. You don't have to let them live in your apartment complex. As long as you belong to a religion that hates women. Which is most of them. The NFL doesn't like the law and is using the threat of taking the Super Bowl away as a deterrent to passing it. If the Super Bowl were moved from Arizona, where it is scheduled to be played in 2015, the state would lose hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. Lawmakers in Arizona aren't scared however. They say it's the NFL that is scared. Under the law, Arizona could refuse at the last minute to let the Super Bowl take place if they wanted . One scenario where Arizona would stop the Super Bowl is if the team who drafts openly gay player, Michael Sam, were to make the Super Bowl.

High School senior is suspended because his dad is merely a lowly fisherman. David Duren-Sanner attends a prestigious high school in Tennessee. Most of the kids parents are doctors, lawyers are television celebrities. David's mom is a lawyer and that is how he got into the school. School officials assumed she was a single mother because she never mentioned a husband when enrolling David into the school. But when a man smelling of fish came to pick up David from school last month, the school grew suspicious. The school looked into it and it turns out the fishy man is David's father. The school informed David he would be suspended from the school for 10-days because of his father's job. According to the school, the only reason David wasn't expelled is because he was so close to graduating and his last name is hyphenated, so people will know that he is the son of the lawyer lady in town.

That's it. That's the news.

August 21st Edition

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

That's it. That's The News.

Marty and The News

For some reason I'm still here, and so is the news.

Dead Fidel 'reading' the paper

Fidel Castro gets 'Weekend at Bernie's' treatment in an attempt to prove he is still alive. It's a well know fact that Castro has been dead for at least three years, possibly longer. Family of Castro continues to deny his death. They have been carrying around his dead body for three years, as if he never died. They recently released some photos of 'Dead Fidel' in various poses to try and show people that he is still alive. It's unclear as to whether or not the family knows Castro is dead. Some experts say they could be going through an extended phase of denial and actually think the 'Dead Fidel' they carry around is alive.

NEWS ALERT!!! People who complain about the stuff they do, probably aren't doing it to the extent they say they do.

Police surprised to find that suspect had history of violence. Wisconsin police have been investigating a man who killed three, and wounded four, before then killing himself at a day spa. "I assumed we were looking at an upstanding individual," says Police Chief Bill Yardley, "but it appears that isn't the case." Radcliffe Haughton was arrested a week before the spa shootings for slashing his wife's tires and had threatened to throw acid in his wife's face on several occasions.

Here is another helpful tip on how to get your socks white again.

Underground fantasy league at Californian high school celebrates five year anniversary. "When I started the league in 2007, I never expected the league to take off like it has," says league creator Mike Marshall. "The Fantasy Slut League is still alive kicking and I couldn't be more proud." The rules of the league are quite simple. Girls are 'drafted' onto a team, and whenever anyone does anything sexual with one of the girls, whatever team she is on gets points equivalent to whatever the act was.

This photo now haunts Armstrong

Lance Armstrong now regrets posing for ironic 'sad face' picture. Armstrong posed for the picture minutes after one of his seven Tour de France victories. A reporter at the finish line asked Armstrong how he felt about the victory. Armstrong looked into the camera and made an ironic and comically sad 'sad face.' Reporters, fans, cyclists and even Armstrong himself had a good chuckle over the face. Those who didn't even see the face laughed as well, just because everyone else was. Now that Armstrong has lost several sponsorships and been stripped of every one of his seven Tour de France wins, the picture is now being used in an unironic way.

It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Who Got Shot In The Face Today?' Sadly, today's participant was shot in the shoulder and not the face. That's close enough though. A 9-year-old girl was shot by a family member who thought she was a skunk.

Sandra Fluke, of Rush Limbaugh calling her a a 'slut' and a 'prostitute' fame, speaks in front of 10 people. The event was held at a Sak 'N Save grocery store in Reno, Nevada. Fluke now claims that no event was planned. The ten people asked her to talk. Fluke was just their do her grocery shopping, but felt she had the responsibility to talk to these people if that's what they wanted. However, if you look at Fluke's Facebook page, it's clear the event at the Sak 'N Save was planned weeks in advance. She posted this hours before the event, "Hey guys, about to speak at the Sak 'N Save in Reno. It's going to be crowded, so get there early."

Donald Trump is almost as desperate for Twitter followers, as 'Fox and Friends' is for taking a phone call from Donald Trump. Trump called 'Fox and Friends,' who gladly put him on the air, to announce that he has something really big about Obama to announce. Trump will be making the announcement on his Twitter account. He wouldn't say when, but did say he would make the announcement by Wednesday. The on air phone call ended with 'Fox and Friends' telling Trump to call back tomorrow and anytime after that.

This is both the funniest and saddest lede paragraph of all time.

An unidentified man who had been riding in an electric wheelchair caught on fire Saturday afternoon and died.

 Hey guys, Adele wasn't fat, she was just pregnant.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Busy weekend. Surprisingly, news took a week off. I wanted to bring you the news, but it was nowhere to be found. Now it's back. Here it is, the news.

Police mistake Jewish man for black man. Surveillance footage shows two officers beating a man who had been sleeping on a couch at a Jewish center. "I had no idea we were in a Jewish center," said officer Robinson. "I was under the impression the place was a homeless center. There was this man sleeping on the couch. Those couches are for sitting. We woke the man up and found that he wasn't wearing a shirt. I did some quick math in my head. Homeless center, plus man sleeping on sittin' couch, plus no shirt, equals black man. So of course I attacked. Next time I'll just have to be a little more careful."

The man in question was later found to be Bill Murray

Middle-aged, balding, portly, white man shows up unannounced to kick ball game. In what is being called a classic case of 'do as your told, not as I do,' a strange looking man showed up to a kick ball game at a local park earlier today. If this happens at a kids kick ball game, the kids are instructed to get an adult and contact authorities. If it's an adult kick ball game, just get pictures with the guy and ask questions later.

"I go prune," says Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey was referring to how long she spends in the bathtub, but she also inadvertently described her preference for having sex with much older men.

Susan Sarandon didn't Google 'Casting Couch' before going to audition. Sarandon was excited when she got the call to appear on 'Casting Couch'. Sarandon hasn't done anything since 1998. This was going to be her first audition since then. Sarandon was appalled at what she had to do when she appeared at the audition. Had she done a quick Google search of 'Casting Couch', she wouldn't have been so appalled. Sarandon ended up going through with the audition. "At first I was very taken aback at what I was asked to do," says Sarandon, who has done nothing since appearing in 'Stepmom' in 1998. "My career could use a kickstart though, so I reluctantly went through with it."

Community doesn't care that a high school history teacher locked one of his students in a cage.

Moments after Tweeting, "I'll be by this black gentleman for a while if you want to take pictures of me."

Kristen Stewart is afraid that one of her Twitter followers will murder her. Stewart says that her biggest fear in life is being murdered. She is positive that it will happen to her. She claims that the person who murders her will do so because they know where she is because of Twitter. Despite the fear, She refuses to stop telling the Twitter world where she is at all times. "My fans want to know where I am," said Stewart. "They like that kind of stuff." Moments latter Stewart Tweeted, "At Starbucks on 4th and 8th. Be here for a few hours if you want to say hi or murder me."

Red Bull tries to prove that 'Red Bull give you wings.' Man, instead, falls faster than anyone has ever fallen before.

No joke here. Just a hard hitting news story about how to dust blinds with bread crusts.

Millions of Americans mourn upon hearing news of the death of legendary musician B.B. No one bothered hearing the rest of the name. Assuming it was B.B. King who died. News stations around the country apologize for making it appear as if they were going to say B.B. King. It was not B.B. King who died. B.B. Cunningham Jr. died. He was in Jerry Lee Lewis's band or something.

I believe the small penis contest is still taking submissions if you want in. You could win an iPhone. Makes owning an iPhone a lot less cool now.

Embarrassing photo of Jesse, who didn't die. Although his face does look different now.

Teens concoct elaborate plan to shoot friend in the face. According to friends, Jesse Rainey was being 'a real dick lately.' That's when Jesse's friends made an elaborate plan that involved cutting the power to a house and having Jesse 'scare' some friends. Jesse thought the joke was on the friends he would be 'scaring.' The joke was really going to be on Jesse, who was to be shot in the face when he 'scared' his friends. Friend of Jesse, Mark Wright said of the prank, "everything played out as it was supposed to. We convinced Jesse that we were going to cut the power and then he'd jump out and 'scare' our other friends while they were trying to fix it. Jesse wasn't really scaring anyone though. They were in on it. There part of the prank was to shoot Jesse in the face with a shot gun. Everything went just as we planned. The only thing I'd do differently is not doing it at my house. The power at my house still isn't back on. It's been hours. The prank got even better when newspapers started using this picture of Jesse in front of a bunch of stuffed animals."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News.

Teen finds new way to amass Twitter followers. Kara Alongi was tweeting a lot, but she didn't have many followers. She decided to go 'missing' in an attempt to gain followers. It worked. To the tune of nearly 100,000 new followers. Police are treating the case as a runaway teen. Family claims she would never run away and was abducted. Twitter experts argue over whether or not her new followers will stick around after she is found. @LarryTheSatelliteGuy tweeted, "I checked this girls tweets. Not very good. Soon as she found, I'm unfollowing. #GetErDone"

Girl, 14, kills baby after giving birth. Sometimes you just have to report the news folks. No jokes here. Although this girl's mom is pretty stupid.

Makes it easier to transition back into other news when you have a story about a college professor stripping naked and running around the classroom screaming, "there is no fucking God." Most of the students in the class saw this coming. Cade Miller, sophomore  said, "he's been saying for a few days now 'you guys, wouldn't it be funny if I just started running around the room naked?"

Angie Hernandez, 11, ruins cousin's birthday party. Anna Hernandez tells the story.

My parents got me this Party Bus for my birthday. I was turning 12. It was so cool. Angie got mad because I wouldn't let her sit where she wanted to. I told her she couldn't sit by any of us and she had to go sit by the emergency exit. The bus turned and she fell out. Now she is dead. This was supposed to be my birthday. I hate Angie. 

Anna's parents have reportedly told friends that although tragic, the incident may be a blessing. They spent all their money on the bus. The bus wasn't really taking the kids anywhere where the party would continue. The bus was just going to drive around. The bus was also just a school bus. The parents had just covered up 'school' with some poster board and wrote 'Party'. The bus has now been dubbed 'The Sad' bus.

Hong Kong also forgot to have a band play as the boat sank.

Hong Kong celebrates 100th anniversary of the sinking of Titanic, by sinking ferry and killing 38. When informed that the 100th anniversary was in April, the President of Hong Kong said, "Really? Shit."


Man finds out his pigs don't really like him. Terry Garner has been raising pigs for years. He thought they were his friend. His own family. After feeding the pigs one morning, Garner stuck around to pet his fellow family members. Only the pigs weren't done eating. They ate him. Terry Garner was 58.

I feel like PETA is on the wrong side of this argument.

BREAKING NEWS: Nigeria has a college. Upset that no one believes Nigeria has a college, a gunmen shot and killed 26 students to get the college into the news. Sadly, the Nigerian college only had 26 students. The college is essentially non-existant now.

Student assaults PE teacher. John Webster, 27 and a former college football player, suffered a fractured ankle and an injured knee from the attack. Webster claims he has been forced to wear an unsightly knee brace because of the attack. Webster's attacker is Rodrigo Carpio. Carpio is in the first grade, 6-years-old and weighs 50 pounds.

Drag queen community upset with Obama. Obama didn't think twice before calling debate prep 'a drag.'  But now the drag queen community is up in arms over the flippant comment. "Ahh, hell no," said James Stack, better know as Esther. "No he didn't. Maybe debate prep is hard, but Obama don't need to be bringing us into this."