August 26th Edition

United Nations vehicle severely injured by sniper-shot in Syria. The "sniper" has been fired for only being able to hit the vehicle. The UN vehicle is still in the shop. It's not known if the Toyota 4Runner will ever be able to drive again. Charles Smith, the vehicle's normal driver, says he is very sad. "I've come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be used again for official UN business," says Smith, "but it's still hard. I just hope that one day, he'll be able to drive again and not be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of it's life." Charles Smith meant to say tow-truck.

Former pretty good basketball player is missing, probably on drugs after finding out he didn't marry the good Kardashian. Family of the former Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Los Angles Laker and Dallas Mavericks player, Lamar Odom, say he finally realized he is married to Khloe Kardashian and not Kim Kardashian. According to his family, no one has contacted him for 72 hours and he is probably on a drug binge fueled by his depression of realizing he married the 'wrong one.' Odom had believed he'd been married to Kim for nearly four years before finding out he married Khloe.

Liz Cheney gets Wyoming in the news with her incendiary comment, rest of state nods in agreement. Cheney was in Wyoming campaigning for Senate when asked about terrorists. “I do think that we know that recruitment goes on through mosques," answered Cheney. Everyone at the rally nodded their head in agreement and uttered under their breath, "yeah, that sounds about right." Despite not hearing what Cheney had said, everyone else in the state nodded their head at that exact moment.

Group of black people wait two hours to get wings, get table, white guy feels threatened. According to Michael Brown, he and 24 of his friends and family waited "patiently" for 2 hours just to get a seat at Wild Wing Cafe. The large group was gathered to see off one of their friends who was moving out of town. When the large group was seated, a white patron of the cafe told his waiter that he felt "threatened." The white gentleman had been seen eating exorbitant amounts of wings earlier in the night. He reportedly felt threatened because the large group of people would probably slow down service to his table. A manager approached the large group to tell them of their threatening ways. A video camera was pulled out and the large group of people were removed from the restaurant for some reason. They reportedly took their party to the Sizzler across the street. 

Did the peanut butter dog thing

Journalist tries to make it sound like preschool teacher took sexually explicit pictures of her students, was just her own kids and dog. Connie Ramirez, a preschool teacher in Ohio, has been charged with rape, gross sexual imposition, pandering obscenity involving a minor, and possession of criminal tools after investigators found sexually explicit images of her two children and dog. None of the pictures involve her two children and dog. She kept the dog sex stuff separate from the kid sex stuff. The preschool says she was never alone with any of the children while working there. There is no evidence, as of yet, that any of the children at the preschool are involved. This journalist just prints the facts. I don't try to make the lady sound like some kind of monster like David Lohr tried to make her sound.

Guns don't kill people, people in China with knives do. A man killed four and wounded 11 in a bus stabbing attack. The man is now the most successful knife stabber in China in recent months. The man barely bested last week's bus attack where a man killed three and wounded 12. Buses aren't the only dangerous place in China either. Last month a man killed two and injured four at the office when he was accused of violating China's one-child policy. 

Lady claims "stuttering has no ill effect on preschoolers." She says she did a study on it and found that stuttering had no effect on their social, language, or emotional development skills. She admittedly didn't add the part where they are ridiculed mercilessly by their peers into her study.