August 21st Edition

Bradley Manning gets 35 years. Manning, of giving stuff to WikiLeaks fame, is getting credit for the three years he has already spent in jail. In about eight years he'll be eligible for parole. He'll be out then. The 35 years thing was just a Military prank.

Barack Obama endorses Cory Booker for New Jersey Senator with a fist bump.

Nickelodeon star, Lucas Cruikshank, shocks nobody by coming out as gay, many shocked by learning of his existence. Cruikshank is better known as his character Fred Figglehorn. If you don't know who that is, consider yourself lucky. People that do know who he is are confused as to why he had to announce he was gay. Everybody already knew.

Dr. Phil has second thoughts about sleeping with drunk girl, asks his Twitter followers for advice. Dr. Phil was hanging out at the bar the other night when he spotted a hottie. The bartender says he heard Dr. Phil saying, "I'm going to bed that chick." After noticing that the woman was extremely intoxicated, Dr. Phil had second thoughts. Still wanting to have relations with the woman, he sent out a a tweet to ask his followers what he should do. "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphil." The tweet caused quite a bit of outrage and the consensus seemed to be no. Despite that, Dr. Phil banged the woman anyways.

Some of these counties aren't even in Northern Colorado

Counties in Colorado want out. They say the rest of the state doesn't understand their needs. They want to secede from Colorado and become North Colorado. If the secession is successful, North Colorado would immediately become the worst start in America. Denver is the only city that matters in Colorado and North Colorado would be stuck with nothing.

Naked, one legged man dies doing what he loves. The man was seen throwing bricks, cinder blocks and other objects through neighbor's windows before being found bloody and delirious on a lawn. His housekeeper also claims he banged her head against the wall and gouged her eyes earlier in the day. Now he's dead.

Cows being stolen in Texas, old guy tells long, boring and rambling story about it. Larry Schatte is the old guy. Here is his story. “Probably about a year ago. This one guy, he’d usually bring in some cattle for his mom. On a recent auction day that the man would always bring in the same kind of cow, a specific type of cross breed. And this one particular time he came in with a couple of long horns, and I thought it was kind of an odd deal.” Not only were the cows odd, they were stolen. I can't figure out if this old guy is the idiot or if the guy who wrote the article is the worst newspaper writer in history.

Former Pope says God told him to quit, God says he misheard him. Pope Benedict, who was the first pope to not die on the job, is claiming he had a "mystical experience" where God told him to "quit being pope." When asked, God claims it was all a misunderstanding. God confirmed the mystical experience, but says Benedict misheard him. "Why would I want him to quit being pope?" Said God. "He was one of the best. I was worried about his health. I told him to quit buying pop. Not to quit being pope."

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Pope Francis makes bold statement for God. The Pope has always spoken for God, according to the Catholic religion. But normally when the Pope is asked how God feels about a particular topic, the Pope has to go to his Pope Chamber and ask him. But when Pope Francis was asked about how God feels about slave Labor in Bangladesh, he didn't do that. He immediatly answered that God is against it. Leaving many to wonder if God really feels that way or if Pope Francis is just putting words in his mouth. Many Catholics are saying slave labor in Bangladesh is a common conversation for God and the Pope. Pope Francis was already aware of the answer. Some Catholics are saying Francis shouldn't be so haste when speaking for God.

"I wasn't looking for sex, I just wanted to know where the gay bars were," Christian blogger. Matt Moore has spoken out several times against homosexuality in his blog and has now been caught on the gay-dating app Grindr. Moore admits that he is sexually attracted to other men, but has been fighting off the feelings because he believes it is a sin. According to Moore, he wasn't looking for sex, he was just looking for someone to show him where they gay bars were in New Orleans and maybe take him there.  No sex.

New York City man can't figure out how sink works, sues city for $150 million.

The first time I ate at a restaurant and used their restroom, I couldn’t figure out how to use the sink; it was one of those automatic motion-sensor faucets. I had to get someone to show me what to do, and I felt embarrassed.

Those are those words of David Ranta, who is suing the city for $150 million for his ordeal. Ranta had been in prison for 22 years, but was released in March when it was found he didn't commit the murder. 

Parents get 5-year-old boy .22-caliber rifle for birthday, shoots sister in the face.

Is that a hostel bathroom?

Amanda Bynes' bathroom isn't very cute. Her face also looks funny. Boobs decent.

Gay, former MLB player Glenn Burke introduced the high-five. A National gay athlete hall of fame has been opened in Chicago. When asked as to whether or not Jason Collins would be in it, "he'll probably make it, but it's more for players like Glenn Burke," said hall of fame organizer Bill Gubrud. Burke, who is now deceased, came out after his playing days, but is widely credited with introducing the world to the high-five. Upon learning about the high-five news, several other hall of fames are strongly considering inducting Glenn Burke. 

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Rape pallet cleanser

Richard Mourdock gains voter after rape comment. Mourdock, who said rape was just a part of God's plan, is now saying the comments have helped him gain voters. "I know I did," said Mourdock. Most found Mourdock's claim of gaining new voters, as a result of his rape comments, just as absurd as his rape comments. But now a man named Derek Spuhler has come forward backing Mourdock's claim. Spuhler, 42, has lived in Indiana his entire life. He has also lived in his mom's basement his entire life. He claims to be a ladies man who goes on dates every night. Not even his own mom will back those claims. Spuhler says he wasn't going to vote until he was made aware of Mourdock's views on rape. "I just like his way of thinking," says Spuhler. "I'm not a monster, but no one believes me. Mourdock understands that I'm not a monster. I'm just an instrument of God's will." Despite gaining Spuhler's vote, it's estimated that Mourdock's comments have lost him the vote of 95% of those who were previously going to vote for him. The other 5% cast early ballots last week. They are all trying to find ways to take their votes back.

Italy implements a trial run of putting cocaine and marijuana into the air. It's been common practice for many cities in the world to add fluoride to the city's water supply, but Italy is taking it a step further. Italy is now going to start putting drugs into the cities air supply. Italy has started by rolling out the controversial air drugging in eight cities, including Rome. Mario Monti, the Prime Minister of Italy, has said that if the eight city trial goes well, the program will be rolled out nationwide. He also wants to expand the types of drugs being used.

Video on YouTube may make bring the end of the Internet. A video of a kid unsuccessfully jumping over a car, may make the internet collapse in on its self say experts. "The video alone isn't that mind blowing," says Internet expert Charles Smith. "It's just a kid trying to jump over a car as it races towards him. It's not even really an attempt to jump over the car. It's better described as kid gets hit by car and does a bunch of flips in the air. At no point do you ever say, 'this kid might make it'. He doesn't even make it over the front bumper. The YouTube video could bring the Internet down though. It appears as if it's a YouTube video, of a video. Someone played a video from another Internet video service, and then recorded that video as it played on their browser. They then posted the video of a video on YouTube. The Internet isn't capable of handling these types of things."

Man who gave worthless donation

Mitt Romney says 'thanks, but we could have used this sooner' to campaign donor. Just weeks before the election, Sheldon Anderson, has given $10 million to the Romney election campaign. Romney's campaign team isn't quite sure what to do with the money. "We already budgeted out how we were going to spend the rest of campaign money we have," says Romney campaign manager. "We appreciate this money, but we don't really know what to do with it. It's too late to make another video. It's too late to do anything with it. This money would have been very beneficial about a month or two ago. Romney will probably just keep it now."

United States gives Mexico back some of its stuff. "We're keeping the land though," says America.

Ted Turner, fan of suicide.

Man surprised at how easy it was to rob Church's Chicken.

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Marty and The News: Sunday Edition

The news used to stop on Sunday and give you time to catch up. That's not the case anymore. That's why I'm here.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are still trying to figure out the equation for their tax plan. When Romney and Ryan came up solution for what their tax plan would do, they decided to call it a night and work on the specifics of achieving that solution in the morning. "We really were going to figure it out that next morning," says Romney. "But Paul had to do some P90X and I didn't have time to wait for him to finish as I had some campaigning to do. I let the people I was talking to that day know that Paul and I had come up with the perfect solution. I thought we would have found the answer on how to get there by now. The whole thing has just kind of snowballed out of control." Romney and Ryan are working tirelessly on the specifics of their tax plan that will end in the way they dreamt. The two men have been spending every night together for the last two weeks trying to figure it out. They have gone through a lot of root beer and licorice, and Ryan has done thousands of push-ups, but they still haven't found the equation that gives them the answer that they came up with more than a month ago now.

Polls show that if the election were held today, Obama would win. Pollsters continued. We also have this other poll from November of 2008, that shows if the election were held then, Obama would also win that. We also have this poll that was only done in the State of Illinois in November of 2004. Obama would win that one too. It doesn't matter which one of these polls you look at, things aren't looking good for Romney.

Justin Bieber's bulimia is out of control. Bieber has never publicly acknowledged the rumors of his bulimia, but it now looks like he may have too. Biber took the stage last night in Arizona and threw up. It was the first stop on his Believe tour, so he can't even blame it on exhaustion. Bieber is going to have to face the rumors head on this time.

David Letterman tells viewers of his late night show to not vote for Mitt Romney. President Barack Obama appeared on the show last week and now Letterman is telling his viewers not to vote for Romney, unless he makes an appearance on the show. Once that appearance takes place, Letterman will then tell his viewers not to vote for Mitt Romney.

Young Jeezy versus...

Just another night in black entertainment, as a fight breaks out at the BET Awards. This time it was Young Jeezy and Rick Ross who got into it. The two got into a shoving match on stage, but things didn't end there. The two argued in the parking lot, where gun shots were reportedly heard.

This fat guy

Man angry with God, attacks churches. Wade Murray was pissed of at God. Now he is accused of vandalizing at least six different churches. Each one of a different denomination. Murray wasn't sure which God was the right God to be mad at, so he hedged his bets and attacked the six most popular Gods. 

NHL players meet to discuss lockout strategy. The players have been talking with NFL referees to try and figure out how they got so much public outcry behind their lockout, that eventually came to an end because of the public backlash. The NFL referees union had this to say to the NHL players union. "Our sport is popular. People would rather watch us do our thing, than do whatever it is that you do. And we are just referees. We don't know how to help you. You already missed a full season recently. No one cared then. Why would they care now? The world stopped during our lockout and we only missed three weeks. Sorry that we can't help you. Best of luck."

Prank backfires on high school teen. Sarah Ditmers, the most popular girl at a Michigan high school, thought it would be funny to pull a prank on Whitney Kropp, the often bullied and least popular girl in the school. Ditmers thought it would be a funny prank to have Kropp voted as homecoming queen. "Can you imagine that homely, dumpy looking girl as homecoming queen?" Says Ditmers. "This was going to be my best prank yet." After the prank, Ditmers' mood was much different. "Watching her walk out on the football field... She just looked so beautiful. And the ovation she got from the crowd. I wanted it to be me. She's always going to have that memory of being homecoming queen. I want to have that memory. She's always going to be able to tell people she was homecoming queen in high school. I'm going to have to tell people I lost to that."

Fans of giant breasts and water parks shed a tear. Dolly Parton has withdrawn her involvement in a planned water park in Nashville. 

That's it. That's the news.