Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.


Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."


Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.

Marty and The News

News.

Bill O'Reilly finally shuts up everyone who thought he was doing actual news. O'Reilly stopped doing actual news reporting in 1989, when he started working on Inside Edition. People slowly started to realize that his career of doing actual news was over, but some were still believers. When O'Reilly went to Fox News in 1996, he set out to put all the rumors of him doing real news to rest. More people slowly realized he wasn't doing news. By 2010, there were only a handful of believers left. O'Reilly has spent the last two years trying to convince them that he isn't a real news guy. All of his attempts failed. But earlier this week, he found a way. He talked about 'Gangnam Style' and what it meant for 5 minutes. He even brought on an expert. After nearly 25 years, O'Reilly has finally shed the stigma of being a real news guy.

Some are saying she was on That 70's Show

'That 70's Show' star allegedly assaults her 61-year-old husband. Police say her husband also assaulted her. Police are certain the assaults took place. What is under question is whether or not Lisa Robin Kelly was a star on 'That 70's Show', or even on the show at all. Police Chief Michael Roberts had this to say about it. "We have a lot of officers that remember watching that show. A lot say it was their favorite show growing up. Most of them have no idea who she is. There are two guys who say they possibly remember seeing her on an episode or two, but they have no idea what her role was. We've already contacted Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and Wilmer Valderamma. They all had no recollection of her. We're still reaching out to Topher Grace, that tall chick and the other dude."

Disney, Sears, Walmart, Sean Coombs, Mickey Mouse and a bunch of other high profile companies/people are the reason for a fire in Bangladesh.

Teen single handedly sets back 'black people can't swim' stereotype 10 years. Pool surveillance footage shows the teen entering the deep end of the school's pool and then just slipping underwater. There was no splashing or struggling to stay afloat. Friends and classmates then swam around and above him for 17 minutes before someone finally realized he was down there.  The 'black people can't swim' stereotype was set to expire in February of 2015. It has now been adjusted to expire in February of 2025. Which was it's expiration date at the beginning of the year. When US Olympic swimmer Cullen Jones won a gold medal at the Olympics this year, the committee decided to have ten years shaved off. Upon hearing of the teens death, the committee tacked the years back on. Some have appealed the ruling. They note that the teens lack of struggle to stay afloat suggests suicide and not a lack of swimming ability. No word on whether or not the committee will hear the appeals.

Golf looks into banning 'belly putters'. Golf has always been all about trying to ban things, and people, that have a competitive advantage. In 2008, they tried to ban black people in attempt to stop Tiger Woods. But then he ran his car into that tree and that stopped his reign of terror, so they let that one go. It looks like they will see this one through to the end.

Somewhere in New York City, there is the body of a man who died on Monday from gun shots, stab wounds and slash marks saying, "hey assholes..."

That's it. That's the news.