August 23rd Edition

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months.  The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.


Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Due to the fact that news has decided to only happen on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my reporting of the news has been cut back to the same hours.

News.

Apple set to release something that is bigger than the iPhone, both the new iPhone 5 and older ones, smaller than the the iPad 1 and 2 and the aptly named New iPad, at least until they release a new one and bigger than the iTouch. Nice job Apple. You made something a different size.

Where you are done using those bread crusts to clean your blinds, you can start using packing peanuts as air fresheners..

Contestant in controversial blackbody

It's generally agreed upon, that blackface is racist and should be frowned upon. No social such social norm exists for blackbody. The practice of blackbody has mostly been limited to the world of bodybuilding. But experts say that could be changing. "There could be an explosion of blackbody for Halloween this year," says black expert Charles Smith.

Is 7-year-old Alma Deutscher the next Mozart? Some experts say yes. Charles Smith says no. "She's good," says Smith. "It's impressive that she is composing and playing all this original music, but unless she also has a penis, she's no Mozart. Last I checked, Mozart had a penis." All experts agree that her last name being so close to 'douche' could also prevent here from achieving Mozart status. "Middle school is going to be brutal for her," says music prodigy guru Ted Weinstein. ."

Guy takes horrible video of a Porsche stuck in wet cement.

With the amount of people getting shot in the face lately, I'm going to be able to start a 'Who Got Shot in the Face Today' segment. Today's segment brings us an attempted pig slaughter, that ends with a man shooting his brother in the face. The man who was shot has died. Still no word on the pig. 

Kim Kardashian tries to look like the girl in the bee outfit in that Blind Melon video and admits failure.

Get used to this, say experts

Waffle House beat down (video) ruined by guy recording the action in portrait. Friends of the man are embarrassed and ashamed. When an argument broke out at the local waffle joint over the use of the word faggot, Jermaine Storwell knew he had to get it on video. Storwell's phone was low on battery though. "That's when I told my man Lamar to get this shit on his phone," says Storwell. "I thought he had that shit handled." Shortly after Lamar began recording, the angry Waffle House patrons attacked the man who had been brandishing the fag word so freely. "Soon as everything died down I wanted to see the video. I was like 'hell no, this shot in portrait you dumbass.' I can't even watch it."

Women breast feeding dogs becoming a trend, say experts. Arnold Letzman says he expects that by the year 2030, every women in America will have breast fed their dog at least once.

Home Depot employee won't stop bragging to coworkers that he knew the guy in aisle five was building a pipe bomb.

Woman claims to have given birth on Philadelphia subway. Fellow passengers say otherwise. "No she didn't," says passenger Rose Rosario. "She got on saying she needed money because she was nine months pregnant and had no food. She kind of looked pregnant, but her belly was kind of lumpy. No one really payed attention to her. Then she start complaining of pains and that her baby was coming. She started screaming and all this stuff. The next thing I knew, she got this like 4-year-old kid in her arms and she is saying how beautiful her new baby is and how she wished she had some money to get it some food."

That's it. That's the news.