February 28th Edition

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died. 

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016. 

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed. 

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard. 

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest. 

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.  

That's it. That's the news. 

August 23rd Edition

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months.  The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.


Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News: August 16th Edition

ALF as a panda

Baby Panda looks like ALF, mommy panda tries to eat it. The panda was born in Taiwan. It looks a lot like ALF. Click on the story link to see video of its mom trying to eat the panda.

Girl from That 70's show dies. Not that one. You're thinking of Mila Kunis. Lisa Robin Kelly died. No, that's Laura Prepon. No, the mom was Debra Jo Rupp. No, that's not a girl, but you're thinking of Topher Grace. She played his older sister. Yes, he had a sister.


Wrestler goes to airport to tell everyone he is gay. Darren Young, member of the tag team Prime Time Players, said he is "happy" and "here to please himself." Not clear if he was talking about the airport or being in the WWE.

Goofy looking guy

Goofy looking guy writes really long blog post on what he's learned about women, makes the news for some reason. Thor Lund usually just blogs about being vegan and training for a half marathon. He decided to take a break from that and talk about how the only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked. Among other things.

Derek Jeter engaged to DirecTV Genie? Probably.

Spy?

Cat may be a spy. Ok...

Guy complains about brownies in Ben & Jerry's ice cream, gets tour of factory. Scott White was so disappointed with the brownies in his Half Baked ice cream, that he wrote the company to tell them about it. In return, Ben and/or Jerry (probably someone else) wrote back and invited him to take a tour of the factory. White took the tour. "The tour was awesome," said White, "but it would be cool if they would just make the brownies taste better."


Kanye West shown on jumbotron at Dodgers game, gets booed. Robin Thicke got cheers when he was shown on the jumbotron. Nobody else shown on the jumbotron during the night got any reaction whatsoever.

Duck Dynasty star looks like homeless guy. One of those Duck Dynasty guys asked where the bathroom was while staying at a hotel in New York City. He was escorted out of the hotel because the hotel employee thought he was a homeless man. The bathroom is in your room, dumbass.

UPS plane crashes, pilots identified, no word yet on what happened to the packages.

Pepsi flavored Cheetos being sold in Japan. Proving again that Japan is number one.

Marty and The News: August 12th Edition

Joe Biden going to Iowa in September to get some steak fries. Apparently this means he might run for President in 2016. Or perhaps he is just not aware of bottomless steak fries at Red Robin.

Kris Jenner mad at Barack Obama, also unaware daughter got famous for having sex with Ray J. Jenner, of marrying Olympic hero Bruce Jenner and mom of Kim Kardashian fame, has her own talk show. Which is news in its self. Jenner used her show to yell at Obama for being critical of Kardashian's and Kanye West's 'over-the-top lifestyle.' Jenner said that Kardashian "is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she's got." Omitting the most important part of Kardashian's fame. Having sex on tape with Ray J. Also her butt.

Man shoots 9-year-old son and then himself at YWCA. Both died as a result of the gun shots. Why the two males were at a YWCA and not a YMCA is not clear. 

Lefty post surgery and missing a leg

Dog takes bullet for owner. Lefty the Pit Bull wasn't doing her job when she let four intruders enter her home. The intruders stole some stuff. When the owner of the home confronted the men, he was met with a gun. When fired at, Lefty sprang into action and took the bullet for her owner. Lefty lived and people on Facebook paid for her surgery. Lefty is now walking around just fine with three legs. 

U.S. Postal Service wants to deliver alcohol. That's pretty much the whole story. They think it will help them make money.  

Lesbian looking lady

Lesbian looking lady doesn't have sex for 12 years, writes book. Sophie Fontanel claims she was celibate by choice and that being so, made her happier. Friends of Fontanel say that it was because no one would have sex with her and that it wasn't from lack of trying. They also say she was a 'miserable bitch' to be around during those 12 years.

Oprah can't buy handbag in Zurich, even though she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' When Oprah asked to see the $42,000 handbag, she was told it was too expensive. Oprah was shocked because, even though she wasn't wearing her eye lashes, she was in 'full Oprah Winfrey gear.' What 'full Oprah Winfrey gear' means is beyond everyone.  

Black baseball player has banana thrown at him. Baltimore Orioles player Adam Jones claims that a fan threw a banana at him while playing center field. Most say the act was racist. Jones called the guy a jackass on Twitter. What hasn't been mentioned is that Jones suffers from Hypokalemia, a low-level of potassium. Bananas are known for their potassium. While bananas are a good source of potassium, Jones would have been better served had the fan thrown a potato, tomato, or clam. All of which are better sources of potassium than bananas and aren't as racist.

Elephants on their way to break some shit

Elephant herd in India destroys town after one of their own is hit and killed by train. Days after the elephant was struck by a train and killed, the elephant's friends and family returned to the site. At first they appeared to just be mourning the fellow elephant's death. They have now taken to destroying houses and a school. 

Spain forgets to put elevator in new 47-story building. The original plans for the building called for it to only have 20 floors. Builders decided to make it 47 instead. When they changed the plans, they forgot to make room for an elevator shaft. The building will be used for apartments. There is like 269, or something like that. Many of which have already been sold to people in other countries. No word yet on what they are going to do about the lack of an elevator. 

That's it. That's the news.