February 28th Edition

Fans of death penalty ask people to stop looking into cases of those that have already been executed. Those against the death penalty usually point to the fact that innocent people are being executed as a reason to stop it. Death penalty supporters say this is because people won't let the cases go. Especially after they have already been executed. "We'd never know if these people were guilty or innocent if people would just stop looking into these cases after they've already been sentenced," says death penalty fan Charles Smith. "We'd never have to feel guilty about killing an innocent man if people could just let it go. Instead they have to go and make us feel bad every time they find someone who was innocent. Which happens, at most, 20 percent of the time."

Lonely weird guy

Man complains about being in solitary confinement for over 15 years for a crime he didn't commit, doesn't realize life would have been just as lonely for him out of prison. At the age of 22, Damon Thibodeaux was convicted in 1997 of killing a 14-year-old girl. He was released in 2012 after it was discovered he didn't kill anyone. Now he's complaining about it. He complains a lot about how lonely he was. What he doesn't realize, because he didn't have a mirror in solitary, is that he is a goofy looking guy. Had he not gone to jail, he still would have spent his life alone. Only he wouldn't have had a legitimate reason to be alone like he did by being in jail. He would have just spent all of his time alone because nobody wanted to talk to him or be seen with him. Since being released from prison, Thibodeaux has spent the last two years all alone. He blames it on the solitary confinement he endured for 15 years. He thinks he doesn't have the social skills to interact with people because of the 15 years in solitary. Experts say the solitary confinement has nothing to do with it. He's just a weird looking guy that no one likes.

Bill O'Reilly says he doesn't like rap, but does enjoy Eminem and "other guys that look like him" on occasion. O'Reilly took to the airwaves to say we need to get rid of "these guys with the hats on backwards, and the terrible rap lyrics and the drugs and all of that." O'Reilly beat people to the punch by saying it has nothing to do with race or the music. He just doesn't like the lifestyle. He explained the he really likes listening to some rap. Eminem and "other guys that look like him" are his favorites. He just can't condone the "lifestyles" of people like Jay-Z and Kanye West.

Suicidal man's death blamed on his love for iPhone. Texas man Rex Benson was fed up with life and decided to end it all. He wanted to burn himself alive in his home. The last place he really loved. He thought it would be fitting if the two were to go out together. What Benson didn't realize, is that his daughter and son were both in the house when he started the fire. Benson helped his son and daughter escape the house. Benson couldn't bear the sight of his house burning down in front of him unless he was inside dying as well. Realizing he left his iPhone, Benson used it as an excuse to go back inside the house. Benson didn't even try to find his iPhone. He sat in his favorite chair and died. 

Looking towards the end?

Hillary Clinton dying? That's the word on the street. At first people just thought it was a really bad cold. It's now widely believed that she has a brain tumor. Now people are saying she is so sick, she may not run for President in 2016. 

Mom upset that 25-year-old daughter still poops in diapers, throws diaper at her face. Or something like that.

Family tries to kill their dad by pretending he's already dead. The Williams family was able to convince enough people that their dad died that he made it all the way to a funeral home in a body bag. Funeral home workers were preparing to embalm Walter Williams' dead body when he started kicking and screaming in the body bag. Williams was taken to the hospital, where nothing wrong with him was found. Williams told his family that he's happy to be alive, but he doesn't understand how this happened. In the kitchen, behind his back, family members placed blame on each other for him becoming conscious right before he was embalmed. 

Fashion faux paux

Substitute teacher arrested for wearing ugly ass vest while furiously masturbating in hallway. Michael Luecke made a big mistake when he decided to wear, what school officials are calling, an "ugly ass vest" to teach at Westhill High School. The high school is located in Stamford Connecticut. An area of the country that is know for it's snobby attitude towards fashion. Luecke was spotted wearing the vest in the hallway by another teacher. She also noticed that Luecke had his hand down his pants and was "moving it around" while looking at the students. She was so disgusted by Luecke's fashion choice, she went to tell school administrators about what was being worn in their school. School officials contacted police who arrested Luecke at the school. Police say they will not release the video of Luecke wearing the vest while masturbating, but they did release a picture and details of the video.

Surveillance video of the scene shows Luecke in a stairwell wearing an ugly ass vest suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants while looking at students in the courtyard. 

The sub then vanishes behind some lockers for a moment. Then, he reappears, lying on his back on the floor, focused on the task at hand and still wearing that hideous vest. At some point, the shocked teacher discovered him — but not before a half dozen students stroll by and see the man wearing the world's worst vest. 

Police say they are lucky the man was also masturbating while wearing the vest. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to arrest him. Police also say they wouldn't have arrested him if he weren't wearing the vest. They would have just politely asked him to stop masturbating, or at the very least, stop being so furious about it.  

That's it. That's the news. 

August 23rd Edition

Steve Ballmer retires from Microsoft, in 12 months.  The announcement comes after 13 years of resolute mediocrity from Ballmer. When Ballmer took over the company in 2000 from it's founder Bill Gates, Microsoft was on top of the computing world and second place wasn't even close. Microsoft is still number one it comes to software sold, but nobody really recognizes them for that. Most just see the company as a distant 3rd, behind Apple and Google. Ballmer has stuck to his word as CEO. "Microsoft will still be around in 15 years," said Ballmer, when he took over in 2000. It was thought to be a joke at the time, but he also said, "and we're going to just be average." It's apparent now he wasn't joking. Microsoft had one slip up with the XBox, which turned out to be a raving success, but Ballmer has stayed in mediocrity for the most part. Ballmer plans to keep up the mediocre pace he's established for another 12 months and then step down.

Edward Snowden accuses British newspaper of falsely attributing secrets to him. This paper in Britain published some stuff and claimed they got the information from Snowden. Snowden says he has never had any contact with that newspaper. Snowden said the Government leaked the information to the paper and are trying to blame him. Still not very interesting, but this Snowden thing seems to be a much more interesting story in Britain that it is in the US.

Girl has sex every day for a year, probably not going to have sex again. Brittany Gibbons told her husband that they could stick to their routine of having sex once every couple of weeks, or they could do it every day for a full year and then probably never again. Her husband took the year. Now that the year is over, he's starting to regret it. It should also be noted that Gibbons's husband is the first man in history to have sex every day for a year, despite every single man in the world trying to do so every year.

Millions of men living in their parent's basements throw hissy fit over the new Batman choice, pretend they won't be in line weeks before opening day. Ben Affleck has been chosen to play Batman in the upcoming sequel to 'Man Of Steel.' The guy that played Superman in the first 'Man Of Steel' movie will still be Superman. "All this fake outrage is cute," says guy who goes to movies, Charles Smith. "We all know how this is going to go though. These guys are going to spend two years in their parent's basement, eating Cheetos and complaining about Affleck being Batman. They'll say things like, 'but it doesn't take place in Boston.' Then two weeks before the movie comes out, they'll put their little costumes on, get their pup-tent and go set it up outside the movie theatre."

Gay guy reminds us about Prison Break, that show that had a great first season and then just kind of shit the bed. Prison Break has been off the air for four years and it's star, Wentworth Miller, hasn't really done anything since then. Feeling lonely, Miller decided to remind everyone about that time he was in that show. Miller is also not going to Russia because of the way they treat gays. Oh yeah, he's also gay.

North West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West disrespect North West with terrible 'first picture'. North West, the second most important baby born this year, was severely disrespected by her parents. (That Royal Baby is the first most important baby born this year. I'm not trying to be all cute by saying my baby was the most important baby born this year. I didn't even have a baby. Also know, that if you had a kid this year, or probably any year really, your baby is nowhere near the top of the list for most important babies born that year.) Baby West was not given the star treatment for her first photo, like most important babies are. The picture is fine if your Joe and Julie Smith, the couple down the street's baby, but if your North West, the picture is an insult. It appears to just be taken with an iPhone.

Even Shorty's picture is better than North's

Elderly man beaten by two teens dies, family is shaken up, but all right with it. Delbert Belton, also known as Shorty, is a World War II Veteran. He was shot in the leg in the Battle of Okinawa and survived. He could not survive a random attack by two teenagers in an Eagle Lodge parking lot in Spokane, Washington. Belton's family is very distraught about the ordeal, but says he probably should have died in WWII, so they are happy with the extra 50 years they did get.


Guy selling hot dogs at Home Depot has cell phone stolen, hit in head with stolen hammer. When hot dog vendor Charles Smith had his cell phone swiped by four men, he was unaware of the hammer they had also stolen. Smith left his hot dog selling duties to confront the men who took his cell phone. Smith was struck in the head with the stolen hammer. The four men drove off. It's not know if they took anything else from the store. The hot dog stand was ransacked by other Home Depot patrons during the melee.

Pope Francis harasses people over the phone, asks them what they are wearing. Several people who sent the pope letters received harassing phone calls from the Francis over the past few days. It was widely known that Pope Francis frequently made these type of calls before becoming pope. The Vatican took precautions to make sure this wouldn't happen while he was pope. Pope Francis found a way to make the calls anyways. The Vatican was made aware of the pope's phone calls when a woman called The Vatican to complain that Francis keeps calling her. She says Pope Francis sounded intoxicated and kept asking, "what are you wearing? Pope-y wants to know." Several other people have since come forward with similar complaints. Pope Francis has had his phone taken away.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

Due to the fact that news has decided to only happen on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my reporting of the news has been cut back to the same hours.

News.

Apple set to release something that is bigger than the iPhone, both the new iPhone 5 and older ones, smaller than the the iPad 1 and 2 and the aptly named New iPad, at least until they release a new one and bigger than the iTouch. Nice job Apple. You made something a different size.

Where you are done using those bread crusts to clean your blinds, you can start using packing peanuts as air fresheners..

Contestant in controversial blackbody

It's generally agreed upon, that blackface is racist and should be frowned upon. No social such social norm exists for blackbody. The practice of blackbody has mostly been limited to the world of bodybuilding. But experts say that could be changing. "There could be an explosion of blackbody for Halloween this year," says black expert Charles Smith.

Is 7-year-old Alma Deutscher the next Mozart? Some experts say yes. Charles Smith says no. "She's good," says Smith. "It's impressive that she is composing and playing all this original music, but unless she also has a penis, she's no Mozart. Last I checked, Mozart had a penis." All experts agree that her last name being so close to 'douche' could also prevent here from achieving Mozart status. "Middle school is going to be brutal for her," says music prodigy guru Ted Weinstein. ."

Guy takes horrible video of a Porsche stuck in wet cement.

With the amount of people getting shot in the face lately, I'm going to be able to start a 'Who Got Shot in the Face Today' segment. Today's segment brings us an attempted pig slaughter, that ends with a man shooting his brother in the face. The man who was shot has died. Still no word on the pig. 

Kim Kardashian tries to look like the girl in the bee outfit in that Blind Melon video and admits failure.

Get used to this, say experts

Waffle House beat down (video) ruined by guy recording the action in portrait. Friends of the man are embarrassed and ashamed. When an argument broke out at the local waffle joint over the use of the word faggot, Jermaine Storwell knew he had to get it on video. Storwell's phone was low on battery though. "That's when I told my man Lamar to get this shit on his phone," says Storwell. "I thought he had that shit handled." Shortly after Lamar began recording, the angry Waffle House patrons attacked the man who had been brandishing the fag word so freely. "Soon as everything died down I wanted to see the video. I was like 'hell no, this shot in portrait you dumbass.' I can't even watch it."

Women breast feeding dogs becoming a trend, say experts. Arnold Letzman says he expects that by the year 2030, every women in America will have breast fed their dog at least once.

Home Depot employee won't stop bragging to coworkers that he knew the guy in aisle five was building a pipe bomb.

Woman claims to have given birth on Philadelphia subway. Fellow passengers say otherwise. "No she didn't," says passenger Rose Rosario. "She got on saying she needed money because she was nine months pregnant and had no food. She kind of looked pregnant, but her belly was kind of lumpy. No one really payed attention to her. Then she start complaining of pains and that her baby was coming. She started screaming and all this stuff. The next thing I knew, she got this like 4-year-old kid in her arms and she is saying how beautiful her new baby is and how she wished she had some money to get it some food."

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

News called in sick yesterday. I was all ready to report it, but it never showed up. It will be reprimanded appropriately. As for now, it's back.

Robin Roberts shows up in the news. Millions of Americans ponder about where they know that name from. "I've heard that name," said Charles Smith, a man we found on the street. "Who is she? Why do I know that name? What does she do?" Smith stood on the street for five minutes trying to figure it out. Finally giving up and looking it up on his phone. "Oh, that lady. That's right."

"That lady fat" - Charles Smith

Marya Rosales disappointed to find out she is only one of the fattest women in the world, goes on eating binge. Rosales has been spending her whole life trying to become the fattest woman in the world. Upon reaching 1,100 pounds, she thought she had done it. Unfortunately, her weight just puts her among a handful of other fat woman. Rosales has locked herself in her room and is eating until her goal is reached.

Americans confused as 'Bad News Bears' actress dies at the age of 20. "Really?" Said Charles Smith. "Isn't that movie almost 40 years old?" When it was pointed out to Smith that she acted in 'Bad News Bears,' not 'The Bad News Bears,' Smith became more confused.

Uma Thurman and others to have sex in movie. Usually sex scenes are just simulated in movies, but a new Lars Von Trier film is going to have the actors and actresses actually performing the acts. "Nice," says Charles Smith. Smith's excitement died down when he learned that Shia LaBeouf would be involved in many of the sex scenes. "Oh, never mind."

Airport loses more than just luggage. Edward Rysiewicz has been flying on airplanes for years. He's been very unlucky when it comes to the airlines losing his luggage. "Happens all the time, says Rysiewicz. "It's gotten to the point where I jokingly wave goodbye and say 'see you in three weeks' to my luggage when I check it. Most of the time I don't see it again for three weeks. I feel like the airlines are messing with me, but now they've taken it to far." The airport lost Rysiewicz' daughter, Jeanne, while they were waiting in line to board their plane. Charles Smith declined to comment due to the fact that he has never flown.

Executioners in Texas show they have a sense of humor. When Jonathan Green said 'I never killed anyone,' moments before he was to be put to death by lethal injection, he didn't know he was going to be given the opportunity to kill someone before being put to death. Texas executioners let Green put the lethal needle into his arm. A task that is usually performed by a doctor. "It took him almost 15 attempts to get his vein," said one executioner, "but he got it. Can't claim he hasn't killed anyone now. Can't claim much of anything. Because he's dead." The man then laughed a lot. Charles Smith could not be reached for a comment.

Google Chairman, Eric Schmidt, complains about Apple Maps. "It just keeps messing up," said Schmidt. "It never gets me to where I need to be. I've been late to every metting for like two weeks. Other than that, I enjoy the phone." When we contacted Charles Smith he said, "Why is he using an iPhone? Did you ask him that?" We've tried to contact Schmidt again, but he won't returen our calls or reply to our emails. Other Google employees say Schmidt is still trying to use his phone to figure out where to catch the bus and then he'll get back to us shortly.

Harvard student who can't get into 'Incest-Fest' is devastated.

According to Marlo Thomas, women are dying during mammogram exams.

Tulane University finds that mice can sing. Mice everywhere start forming barber shop quartets. "Better than whatever that music is my son listens to," says Charles Smith.

That's it. That's the news.

Marty and The News

It's only been a day since I last reported news. News is happening at a record pace. I'm doing my best to keep up. Let's not waste any more time.

Tim Cook angers iPhone users even more. Steve Jobs thinks about coming back to life and running Apple again. Reminiscent of the signal issue that the iPhone 4 had, Apple holds press conference to talk about an issue with their new phone. This time for their attempt at maps. But unlike with the signal issue, where they blamed people for holding the phone wrong. Apple took blame this time. The weak Tim Cook apologized for the piss-poor app. Then suggested alternative apps to use. One of the apps Cook suggested was Waze. What the hell is Waze? Apple users are left bewildered and angered at the Waze suggestion.

Romney face

Poll finds that Mitt Romney is less favorable than George W. Bush. Upon learning the news, Romney tried to stick to his plan of distancing himself from Bush. "I'm not familiar with this George guy," Romney claimed. Bush reacted with glee. "All right," said Bush while giving two thumbs up. "Looks like I have a good chance at winning."

This gentleman is holding his phone correctly for shooting video

It happened again. Teens take video of them beating a mentally challenged woman. These attacks seem common place these days. They like to post the videos on Facebook too. Which is a travesty. The videos are always shot in portrait. Stop recording video in portrait. It doesn't matter how you take pictures, but video should always be shot in landscape. Today's youth are failing this country.


Sick and tired of the small lunch portions, students plan a cafeteria boycott. A strategy session was held on Thursday to discuss the possible strike. One student had this to say, "This year you’re eating lunch and you’re like ‘Did I even eat?’ You’re not even full." He even went as far to say, "if somebody’s obese why should someone like me who’s not obese have to suffer, and eat a small meal when I’d rather have a bigger meal?" Answer that, Obama. The students are blaming Obama for the small meals.

How come you can say definitively say that this guy shot himself, but you have to say he allegedly shot the other 4 people? Oh, this guy lost his job, went back to the office, shot and killed 4 people before killing himself. You know the routine.

Hey ladies, stop your bitching and start doing the housework. Study finds that couples are more likely to divorce when they share the housework duties. The best marriages are those in which the woman do the housework. "The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate," says this one guy.

Man sends sext message to two teen girls and every other contact in his phone. Craig Evans claims the sext was meant for his girlfriend. Evans was most likely really hard up. The good news is, he'll be able to get some of his frustrations out in jail. Where he'll be spending the next 18 months for the sext.

Man teaches his teenage son to not rob houses by shooting and killing him in the act. Jeffrey Giuliano received a call from his neighbor who believed someone was trying to break into her house. Giuliano went to check it out with his gun in hand. He found a masked man who was attempting entry into the house. Giuliano claims the masked man came at him with a silver object. Giuliano shot and killed the man. Turns out the masked man was Giuliano's teenage son.

Jimmy Hoffa may be buried under a driveway in Michigan. They're going to dig up the driveway today to find out. Because for some reason, it still matters where Jimmy Hoffa is, even though no one has seen him for nearly 40 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger manages to only get one movie title into the title of his book. Schwarzenegger's memoir is titled, 'Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.' Schwarzenegger regrets only being able to get one movie title into the book title. Schwarzenegger had this to say, "I wanted more than one. I just couldn't figure it out. I was able to get true into the title. I just couldn't figure out how lies would fit in. I've never lied."

That's it. That's the news.